Theater of the Bizarre: Glorious Fights That Never Could Have Happened, Pt. II

Forget, if you can, that sad and limited group of considerations that say two fighters from different sports and weight classes can never meet in anger. Disregard the idea that says, “It would never happen because...”

This kind of thinking has no place in the Theater of the Bizarre.

Instead, once again, let your imagination run wild. This is a stage where fights unfold due to the virtue of violence, and two authors come together to do their worst to each other, just to see who is best.

Of course, there is always at least one caveat per fight. Perhaps it is the size of the gloves or the duration of the rounds. Perhaps it is the number of rounds, the venue or even the application of rules that reign in contrast to the combatants.

At least one circumstance always prevails amid the chaos.

The bout in question this evening? The legendary Mike Tyson, rejuvenated and resurrected from his most glorious and violent past, faces Junior dos Santos. The action is called in typical play-by-play style.

Mike Tyson vs. Junior dos Santos

Caveats: Four-ounce gloves; 12 rounds; three minutes per round; no grappling on the ground; takes place in the legendary Blue Horizon.

Advantages for Tyson: Speed, punching power, defensive skills, aggression, explosiveness.

Advantages for Dos Santos: Heart, reach advantage, size advantage, elbows, knees and kicks.

It’s a brutally cold night in Philadelphia, with a wind-chill factor that lowers the temperature well below freezing. The snow feels like sand across your face as you make your way up the front steps and into one of the true hallmark locations for the sport of boxing, the legendary Blue Horizon.

Inside, the temperature is warm, and the crowd is anxious for the fight to begin. This is the Blue Horizon, after all, where the crowd has high expectations for aggression.

Larry Merchant, a Philadelphia standard, is in attendance, but the rest of the crowd is a motley crew. The balcony level of the Horizon extends almost to the parameter of the ring, and if you lean over the rail, you can almost spit onto the canvas or throw whatever is in your hand.

It is a sobering sight to see a prime Mike Tyson pacing about the cage. This isn’t the same fighter who lost his desire and with it all sense of dedication to training and discipline. This is the young Tyson who ripped through the heavyweight division with shockingly fast hands, brutal punching power and unbridled aggression.

This is the Tyson who was the full realization of all the virtues that Cus D’Amato felt made a fighter great.

Across the small ring stands Junior dos Santos, looking grim and determined in the face of such an eager crowd. He, too, is pacing, perhaps not as much as Tyson, but he is moving and seems fully aware of the task in front of him.

It is a big one.

Dos Santos wanted to fight a great boxer because, as Merchant put it: “He has the daring that is required of all true fighters. He isn’t just talking the talk, he’s walking the walk, and that brought him all the way to Philadelphia in the heart of a snow storm. He wanted to test his boxing skills against a dangerous opponent, and tonight he gets his wish.”

While Tyson is expected to be the faster fighter, Dos Santos is clearly the bigger man in the ring, which becomes clear when the referee calls them to the center. Dos Santos looks to be about six inches taller than Tyson and has six inches in reach over the Brooklyn-born legend. Yet, despite the size advantage, one cannot help but stare in horror at those incredibly small gloves that surround the granite fists of Tyson.

Both men touch gloves and go to their separate corners. Dos Santos is bouncing in place, ready to go. Tyson stares at him, emotionless, with his fists together right below his chin.

The crowd is going insane as the bell is about to ring...

Round 1

Both men come out a bit cautiously, but given the size of the ring, that probably won’t last for long.

Dos Santos looks unsure of how to attack, while Tyson is circling, moving forward, using constant head movement and showing angles. Dos Santos throws off a leg kick, but Tyson springs out of the way and then is suddenly inside!

He throws hard hooks at the head of Dos Santos, who is trying to block them with his arms. Four hooks in a row crash against his forearms, and "Cigano" reaches out to try and get his hands on Tyson, only to eat a savage left hook to the jaw.

Dos Santos is buckling against the ropes as Tyson keeps ducking and firing heavy shots. The Brazilian finally manages to tie him up, but what does he do from here? Tyson is so much faster, especially with the smaller gloves.

Dos Santos lands some knees to Tyson's body, but the young bull is turning him every time he throws so they aren’t landing with much force. Tyson finally pulls away and unloads another series of heavy hooks with blinding speed, attacking the head and body. Dos Santos springs back, but his ribcage is flushed red on both sides from the blows.

Tyson is working his way forward again, and dos Santos is moving around the outside, circling and looking for anything he can use as a weapon. He fires off a front kick that lands in the center of Tyson’s chest, pushing him back.

Tyson strides forward, darting his head and upper body to the left and right, up and down, never giving Dos Santos a stationary target. Cigano backs up, feels his back touch the ropes and moves quickly away.

Tyson is now in the center of the ring most of the time, watching Dos Santos over the tops of his gloves. He throws a feint, and Dos Santos answers with a powerful kick at his head, but Tyson ducks under it and rushes forward, attacking the Brazilian against the ropes again.

Dos Santos is covering up, but some of those hooks are landing around his guard, and when they land, the sweat that flies off his head is like a rain shower. Dos Santos is desperate to tie up Tyson, and as he reaches out, he eats a monster uppercut that drops him to his knees!

Tyson moves to the neutral corner as dos Santos takes a knee, trying to shake the cobwebs out. He stands at the count of eight, and then the bell rings.

The crowd is on their feet as both men go back to their corners. Dos Santos has some swelling around both eyes.

Tyson 10-8

Tyson’s corner men are telling him to stay tight while working his way inside, to keep his eyes open for those kicks and to mix the punches up. They’re telling him Dos Santos doesn’t know what to do when Tyson gets inside, and thus far, they are right.

In Dos Santos' corner, they are telling him to keep moving, to attack with leg kicks and that those leg kicks will set up the head kick. They are screaming at him to stop trying to box with Tyson.

Round 2

Tyson comes out with purpose, moving aggressively from behind his guard and swaying side to side. Dos Santos is bouncing on his feet and moving around the ring. He has one hand out straight, as if to push Tyson back when he arrives.

Tyson continues to stalk Dos Santos, with neither man firing any punches yet. The tension is almost unbearable; everyone knows something’s about to happen...

Dos Santos fires off a leg kick, but Tyson moves back easily, and it sails right by. Dos Santos is quickly back in a defensive posture. He seems a bit unsure of himself.

He throws another leg kick, and it's another miss. He’s throwing them from too far out. Tyson seems to be exploring the tools of Dos Santos; so far, Tyson hasn’t thrown a single punch yet.

Dos Santos is springing from side to side. Tyson rushes forward, and the Brazilian lands a slapping kick to his upper thigh. But Tyson is inside now, throwing hard hooks to the head and body. He is really landing some thunder to the ribcage.

Dos Santos tries to slide away, but Tyson stays right on him, throwing more hooks toward the head before instantly dropping down to slam violent lefts and rights into the unprotected ribs of Dos Santos.

Cigano throws an elbow out of desperation, and it lands across the forehead of Tyson, but the boxer has all the momentum in close and knocks Dos Santos’ head back with a brutal right hand, followed by a savage left hook that crashes against the jaw line.

Dos Santos stumbles forward, trying to tie Tyson up, but once again, his arms are outstretched and Tyson lands a tremendous uppercut.

Once again, Dos Santos is down!

Tyson moves quickly to the neutral corner as dos Santos takes another knee. His face is swelling, and there is blood coming out of his mouth.

He rises by the count of eight and nods to the referee that he wants to continue. The crowd may have been against Dos Santos before, but they appreciate him now.

Tyson moves in quickly, slipping a desperate kick thrown at his head and landing a right hand to the head that knocks Dos Santos down again. It was more because Dos Santos was off balance as he didn’t have both feet under him, but it’s scored as a knockdown anyway.

Dos Santos is quickly up by the count of two.

As Tyson rushes in to finish the job, Dos Santos explodes with a stiff push kick that catches Tyson flush in the chest/neck, sending him stumbling backward. The ropes keep him from falling, and he comes right back out, moving forward.

Dos Santos tries another push kick, but Tyson mostly slips it. Dos Santos is now on his bike and riding around the ring, trying to avoid the ropes at all costs.

The bell rings.

Tyson 10-7

Round 3

Dos Santos comes out moving and feinting, his left eye badly swollen. Tyson continues to stay tight on the outside, moving quickly and never giving Dos Santos an easy target.

Tyson feints, and the Brazilian fires off another high kick that almost catches Tyson in the head, but his shorter stature saves him in this unfamiliar territory. Once again, he’s firing off blindingly fast hooks to the head and body as Dos Santos is caught against the ropes.

Cigano is trying to fire back, but he eats a hard hook to the cheek.

Then he manages to latch both hands behind Tyson’s head just as Tyson lands a murderous right hook to his body. As Dos Santos tries to pull his head down into a knee, Tyson lands a jarring right hook over the top that sends the Brazilian stumbling along the ropes.

Tyson wades in with both hands, and his punches are coming too fast for Dos Santos to deal with. Tyson lands hooks to the head with both hands, and then he lands a thumping right hook to the body followed by a right uppercut that rips Cigano's head back.

Dos Santos collapses like an accordion.

Tyson once again goes to the neutral corner and watches as the referee counts over Dos Santos, who is hurt too badly to rise.

The referee waves off the fight. The crowd goes wild as Tyson moves over to Dos Santos and helps him to his feet, hugging him tightly.

Mike Tyson def. Junior dos Santos via KO (punches) in Round 3, 1:13