Why the New England Patriots Should Mortgage Future for Derrick Burgess

Derrick Burgess, who's picking up steam to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer, is in fact the missing piece to the Patriots' title hopes.  I say, why only give up Vince Wilfork??  If you look closely at the story picture you can clearly see Burgess (No. 56) is a far superior athelete to the other Raidahs pictured. 

I'm thinking he has the kind of untapped talent to play BOTH sides of the ball, and given his obviously supreme conditioning he could likely play special teams too. 

I think the ONLY time he should EVER leave the field is during halftime, and even then they could work him in as a male star in the halftime cheerleading show.  Ok, here's the scenario...

1. We trade Vince Wilfork to the Raiders...but that's not enough.  You can't expect one of top three nose tackles in football to be enough for a superstar like Burgess.  This is just one part of a very-complex, but DEFINITELY feasible plan to return the Raiders to excellence. 

You see, Al Davis has been ACTING like a degenerate geriatric with alzheimer's, but it was all part of his master plan.  Now that the Raiders have a run-stopping defensive tackle, we move on to the next part of the trade.

2. The Patriots trade Tom Brady, Matt Light, and next year's number one pick to the Browns for Braylon Edwards and Joe Thomas.  Edwards and Thomas are subsequently shipped to the Raiders as part of this MEGA deal to land the NFL's biggest star in Burgess. 

To fill the hole left by the departure of Light, the Pats pull the biggest, most shocking career reclaimation project of all...they call Tony Mandarich out of retirement!!  He's been juicing for years now, and while his testes may be the size of small raisins, his arms are the size of Burgess' legs! 

He instantly becomes the favorite to win the Comeback Player of the Year award over the golden child Brady.  Who's going to replace Brady?  You guessed it!!  B.B. works his magic to have BURGESS ready to play QB on the offensive side of the ball. 

When you're the most dominant defensive end in the game, you gotta know what it takes to avoid a sack.  Just look at those pipes, he can probably throw MUCH further than any current starting NFL QB.

3.  We're almost there folks, but Al CANNOT give up Burgess without first seeing Moss somewhere besides New England.  The Patriots, in the stunner of stunners, ship Moss, 2011's first round pick, and Jerod Mayo to the rival Jets for Darrel Revis and Kerry Rhodes. 

They send both players immediately to the Raiders, and the deal is complete.  B.B., in his infinite wisdom, has realized what Al has known for years.  Burgess is SO good you have him START by rushing the passer. 

If by some miracle the QB is able to get the pass off, Burgess will sprint back into the defensive secondary, either breaking up the play or making the tackle IMMEDIATELY, holding the opponents Y.A.C. to 0.4.  As far as the hole left by Moss' deal goes, that's negated by having Burgess throw to HIMSELF!!! 

As long has he gets some air under it, he's obviously got the wheels necessary to make this happen.  B.B. understands that a player of Burgess' caliber can take the spot of a lot of "specialty" players, and that's why I say this deal is truly a win for the Patriots.

(*Author's note-My first Bleacher Report article is obviously an attempt at humor, in response to the ridiculous articles written by some poor Raiders fan who's living 2005.  Hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!!)