The Friday Clock-Watcher's Guide to NFL Week 8

I don't know about you, but damn I'm tired.

It's been a long, long week at the office, and the only thing worse than a long week at the office is when you leave the aforementioned office and it's dark and cold outside.

To quote Game of Thrones: winter is coming. Now you get to spend your days in a cubicle, and when you leave it's like the sun was never out. Good times!

But fret not, my dear sports fan, as a veritable cornucopia of football goodness will be upon you in the not-so-distant future.

Here is the Friday Clock-Watcher's Guide to NFL Week 8:

This Weekend's Prime-Time Games: So Bad, They're Good

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God, I love being an American.

We live in the greatest country in the world, and have the freedom to (mostly) do and say as we please. It's a pretty sweet deal.

However, I'd like to change the slogan "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" to something more appropriate:

Life, liberty and the pursuit of a good complaint.

Because if there's anything that Americans truly love to do, it's complain. 

Hark back just a few short days ago to the Monday night abortion that was Vikings/Giants, a game that very nearly set football back to the stone ages. Everyone and their mother was on Twitter, complaining about the poor quality, whining that they'd never seen anything so atrocious, lamenting the fact that they spent their precious time watching such an atrocious sporting event.

And everyone that tweeted loved every second of it.

Why? Because it's our God-given right as American citizens to complain about anything and everything we choose. Complaining about something terrible is almost more fun than enjoying something awesome, especially when you get to do it in concert with millions of your fellow Americans.

In lieu of that point, there are three prime-time games this weekend that just might surpass Vikings/Giants in terms of horrendous play, cockamamie decisions and general unwatchability.

I can't wait to watch and whine incessantly. You shouldn't, either.

Let's examine those three games.

So Bad, It's Good: Part I

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What's the only thing more fun than complaining about the poor quality of American sporting events?

Complaining about American sporting events that take place in other countries, of course!

This Sunday, the NFL will once again showcase its brand in London, as the Jaguars "host" the 49ers at Wembley Stadium. 

For our English friends: This would be like the Premier League showcasing its brand by having Manchester United play Crystal Palace at Cowboys Stadium.

The Jaguars are awful. Truly, truly awful. And if the NFL were to ever take a franchise to London, they would likely be on the top of the list. 

So, when the 49ers are up 27-0 in the second quarter, and the TV cameras show depressed English children wearing teal in the audience, you'll be able to smile, kick your feet up and know that you don't have it as bad as they do.

So Bad, It's Good: Part II

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This past Monday night, Vikings quarterback Josh Freeman authored what could possibly be the single-worst performance by a signal-caller in NFL history. 

It was the kind of effort that prompts dumbasses around the country to say "Hey, I could do better than that!", except this time, the dumbasses were probably right.

Imagine how fellow Minnesota quarterbacks Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel felt on the sideline, watching Freeman fire pass after pass 10 yards over the head of intended receivers: "We're worse than this guy?"

Apparently the answer to that question is yes, as the Vikings would have trotted out Freeman once again this Sunday night when the team hosts the surging Packers. 

Alas, we were robbed of potential riotous entertainment, as Freeman will be sidelined with a concussion, meaning the Vikings will turn back to Ponder to save their season.

There is only one phrase that can properly sum up the last two sentences: LOL!

Think about this: the Vikings employ a coaching staff that lives, eats, breathes and sleeps football. These men sat in a room and decided that Josh "never met a high throw he didn't like" Freeman was their best option. Meaning that these men who, again, make their living by working in football came to the conclusion that Ponder and Cassel are worse than Freeman!

That means that Sunday night's game is going to be uproariously entertaining. Instead of throwing the ball over the heads of his receivers, Ponder will instead throw wounded ducks at their feet. Personally, I can't wait to see the pained looks on the faces of Adrian Peterson, Greg Jennings and Co. as they watch passes hopelessly flutter to the turf in front of them.

It's going to be awesome.

So Bad, It's Good: Part III

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Last Sunday, the Rams lost quarterback Sam Bradford for the season, leaving them with a Gateway Arch-sized hole at the position, as backup Kellen Clemens is set to start in his place.

To say that Clemens is a poor option would be like saying Billy Ray Cyrus won't be winning any Father of the Year trophies. The Rams are finished if he's going to be their guy for the rest of the season.

The Rams surely know this as well, and they've reportedly considered both Tim Tebow and Brett Favre to take Bradford's spot.

Go ahead and read that last sentence again, and tell me you didn't just have a Chris Matthews-esque "thrill down your leg" at the prospect of Tebow or Favre back in the NFL again.

On Monday night, with each pass that Clemens throws into the ground, I can only pray that Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden bring up Tebow and Favre. 

Why? Because Tebow and Favre are entertaining. Clemens is not entertaining. And damn it, if I'm not going to be able to watch good football, I want to be entertained. 

Think about it: Would you rather watch Clemens lose by 40, or Favre lose by 40?

Would you rather watch Clemens get up after each sack, or Favre lying on the turf like Batman after Bane breaks his back?

Would you rather watch Clemens pump his fist after a random first down, or Tebow celebrating after a four-yard run like he witnessed the second coming of Jesus?

Either way, Monday night is going to be boring. Seattle is going to dominate. The game will be over by halftime.

All we'll have is our complaining, and visions of Tebow and Favre dancing through our heads like sugar plums.

Hey, it could be worse.

We could be Londoners forced to watch the Jaguars.

Dolphins vs. Patriots, aka: Blondes or Brunettes?

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Think about some of the great debates in NFL history.

Brady or Manning?

Belichick or Lombardi?

'85 Bears or '00 Ravens?

Forget about those. For male NFL fans around the country, the greatest debate has always and will always be: blondes or brunettes?

And on Sunday at Foxborough, that question will receive an injection of jet fuel when the Dolphins host the Patriots.

Why? Because of the smoking-hot wives of Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill (Lauren Tannehill, pictured above) and Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (the gorgeous Gisele Bundchen).

Tannehill is a beautiful blonde, while Gisele is a striking brunette.

So on Sunday, root for both quarterbacks to throw as many touchdowns as possible, because that will increase the likelihood of Lauren Tannehill and Gisele being shown on television.

And when that happens, everyone wins.

You're welcome, America. 

This Week in Gambling

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Last week, I told you the Packers were the only logical pick for your survivor pool. Once again, I was right, and if you've listened to me throughout the season, you are still alive in your pool, as I am.

This week, there are a few wonderful options.

First, the Chiefs are a mortal lock to beat the Browns at Arrowhead. Jason Campbell is starting for Cleveland, and I've seen gargoyles with more mobility than Campbell. That spells trouble against a Kansas City defense that leads the NFL in sacks.

Second, I can't conjure up a scenario where the Bills go into the Superdome and beat the Saints. If C.J. Spiller were 100 percent healthy, and quarterback EJ Manuel were to play, and the team had Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed and Bruce Smith all in their primes, I'd probably still pick the Saints, but it'd at least give me pause. Select New Orleans with confidence.

I know I have advocated against taking road teams in survivor pools, but the Seahawks and Packers will most certainly win.

With all of these options, there is no reason why you shouldn't advance another week. Remember: the key is to advance. Don't get cute with your picks. Don't go outside the box. Lock yourself inside the damn box and don't come out until it's time to collect your winnings.

And by the way, I'll accept my cut via cash, check or PayPal.

Now, onto actual gambling.

I want to talk about one of my favorite gambling axioms: trust.

As in many areas of life, trust is so incredibly important. It takes on added importance where your hard-earned money is concerned.

Take the Falcons/Cardinals game this Sunday. As of right now, Arizona is a 2.5-point favorite. 

Before you wager on this game, ask yourself who you trust more: Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan or Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer?

Look, I'm not saying the Falcons are a lock to win and cover. I could see Arizona winning.

But I have a helluva lot more trust in Ryan than I do in Palmer. So even if I end up losing the wager, I will at least feel good about making it, whereas I would never, ever feel good about plopping down a few shekels on Carson freakin' Palmer.

So when you're reviewing the lines on Sunday morning, ask yourself who you trust. Who will you feel good about wagering on? 

And don't come crying to me when you lose. After all, what the hell do I know? I've personally paid for a few bricks at the Wynn.