Chelsea: Predicting Jose Mourinho's Defining Quotes This Season

It's often said that actions speak louder than words, but in the case of outspoken Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, the opposite is often the case.

Since his Second Coming, we have been treated to a more docile and jovial Special One, leading many to believe he's lost his snarky edge. However, when the season proper starts back up and the heat is on, it's more than likely that the Portuguese coach will start baring his teeth once again.

Here's B/R's thoroughly tongue-in-cheek predictions for the Mou's quotes of the season...

August 18th 2013

"The Special One is back!"

Approximately six minutes into Chelsea Premier League season opener with Hull, Mourinho abandons his new "Happy One" charade, completely losing his cool when Steve Bruce's side takes a surprise lead.

However, in accordance with the form that has seen the Blues put 16 goals past the Tigers in their last six meetings, they go rampant in the second half and win 4-1.

When the fourth Chelsea goal goes in, Mou performs a knee slide, unbuttoning his shirt to a reveal the words "The Special One is Back!" on an undershirt. Underneath that shirt he has written "Who the f**k is David Moyes?" on his chest in pig's blood, but he chooses to save that message for another day. 

Monday 26th August 2013

"Did I meet Moyes after the match? No, I don't like wasting Merlot."

As part of his season-long mission to diminish the new Manchester Utd manager in every way possible, Mou declines a post-match glass of wine with the Scot, abandoning a fond Old Trafford tradition he held with Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Portuguese manager is in no mood to celebrate as Manchester Utd pull of a 2-1 victory in their first home game of the season. Not even John Terry's hilarious "white-eared elephant" impression can make him laugh on the bus back to London.

Friday 30th August 2013

"Hey Pep, Urban Outfitters called, they want their shirt back!"

In the press conference that proceeds Chelsea's second UEFA Super Cup Final in two years, Mourinho quips about his rival's Brooklyn hipster wardrobe, before reminding the Spaniard that he only joined a German side so he wouldn't have to face him—to use hipster parlance—"on the reg."

Despite Guardiola's controversial line-up tinkering (moving Philipp Lahm to midfield; putting Mandzukic on the wing; playing the kit man at right back), Bayern prove too strong for Chelsea and emerge 2-0 winners. 

Mou leaves the Eden Arena in Prague with his arm around David Luiz, reminding Pep that he can look, but he can't touch.

Sunday 6th October 2013

"My thumb slipped."

Controversy breaks out at Carrow Road as Chelsea lose a heated game to Norwich, the East Anglia side who claimed the scalps of Arsenal and Manchester Utd at home last season.

In the post-match melee, an irate Mourinho goes to shake Chris Hughton's hand, but gouges his protruding thumb into Chris Hughton's left nostril.

He doesn't pull the digit out until unused substitute Frank Lampard takes him to the dressing room and gently strokes his hair while playing a soothing whale-sounds album on his iPod.

Sunday 27th October 2013

"There is only one team in Manchester, and we just beat them."

Mourinho's assault on David Moyes continues as he celebrates victory over Manuel Pellegrini's Manchester City at Stamford Bridge. 

Moyes has absolutely no idea why he is being treated like this, as Mourinho calls him to chat most nights and regularly organises double dates at TGI Fridays with the wives.   

Saturday 21st December 2013

Roman Abramovich: "I'm in charge!"

Mourinho: "Do you feel in charge?"

Chelsea go into the Christmas break top of the league after a 2-1 victory over Arsenal. After the match during a meeting in Roman Abramovich's office, the game-of-chess power struggle between owner and manager continues. 

When Mou demands extra funds in the transfer window to buy whoever David Moyes is interested in, the Russian reminds him who is in charge. Mourinho puts his hands on his employer's shoulder, and, without realising, directly quotes Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. 

Cashman, a masked crusader who plays left-back by day and fights doormen at nightclubs by night, breaks into the room to dissolve the hostility.

Tuesday 11th February 2014

"I'm the f**king boss, the f**king man!"

Chelsea make it through to the last 16 of the Champions League, leaving their group undefeated. Somehow, Fernando Torres is tournament top scorer. 

The Blues are drawn against Bayern Munich and win the first leg 1-0 thanks to an Oscar 20-yard screamer that slightly brushes Fernando Torres' back to earn the Spaniard another goal. 

Clutching a champagne bottle in the post-match interview, Mou paraphrases and twists Pep Guardiola's angry outburst directed at him prior to Madrid's 2011 Champions League semi-final with Barcelona. 

Pep gets the last laugh as Bayern win 4-0 in the return leg.

Saturday 22nd March 2014

"I thought it was only other people's money he didn't like spending."

Chelsea still lead the league, but the gap between them and Manchester City is closed to two points as Arsenal win at Stamford Bridge for the third time in five seasons. 

After deciding that Arsene Wenger is no longer a "voyeur" and is now a "nice guy," The Special One accompanies his new closest Premier League pal for a post-match dinner at Pizza Leisurely (a version of Pizza Express that only rich people know about). 

Mou's opinion of his French ally quickly changes when Wenger orders tap water, asks to share the cheesecake for dessert and dashes to the men's room when he sees the waiter bring the bill.

Saturday 26th April 2014

"I don't take lessons in class from a guy with a self-portrait in his house!"

With three Premier League games remaining, just one point separates Chelsea and Manchester City at the top after the Blues are held at Anfield. When Juan Mata is denied a stonewall penalty in the 80th minute, Jose loses his cool and is sent to the stands for screaming at the fourth official. 

Brendan Rodgers accuses the Chelsea coach of "lacking class," the same accusation he levelled at Arsenal in preseason simply for making a formal bid of one of his players. Remembering the shambles that was Being Liverpool, Mou reacts by referencing this monstrosity... 

11th May 2014

"I am once, twice, three times a Special One."

On the final day of the season, a 1-0 victory over Cardiff is enough to seal Mourinho's third Premier League trophy as Manchester City are held by West Ham. After Mou is reunited with the trophy he loves so much, he reacts by paraphrasing a Lionel Richie song. Later that evening, he will claim to have written it. 

During his post-match victory speech, he thanks club top scorer Romelu Lukaku, his dog Gullit and "the guy at Manchester Utd whose name I forget" for not getting in the way of his title campaign.



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