Gary Bettman Commits Hate Crime, Sentenced to Five Years (Humor)

Boris GodzinevskiCorrespondent IIMay 8, 2009

CHICAGO - JULY 22:  Gary Bettman Commisioner of the National Hockey League speaks at the NHL Winter Classic 2009 press conference on July  22, 2008 at Wrigley Field in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images for the NHL)

Hate crimes add unnecessary punishment simply because it was committed due to prejudice.

However, the law is the law, and the Supreme Court of Canada found Gary Bruce Bettman guilty of repeatedly refusing to allow Jim Balsillie to purchase a National Hockey League Team with fair and legal monetary proposals.

Exhibit A

In 2006, when Balsillie offered to buy the Pittsburgh Penguins, Bettman disallowed the offer to stand.

Exhibit B

In 2007, the Nashville Predators, one of the least profitable teams in the NHL, was up for sale and Bettman again disallowed Balsillie's offer to stand.

Exhibit C

This piece of evidence occurred just recently with the struggling Coyotes, a team that has consistently been at the bottom of NHL profits.

Bettman has been hailed by some as a genius for increasing League revenue from $400 million in 1993 to $2.2 billion in 2006.

There are other factors at work, here, such as inflation, the Internet and the fact that the addition of six new teams has generated more revenue.

Bettman's hate crime was declared against Canada, because Balsillie has repeatedly stated his intent to purchase an American hockey team and move it to Southern Ontario.

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Gary Bettman refused to allow a seventh team in Canada, after having allowed the movement of the Winnipeg Jets and Quebec Nordiqeus.

Bettman has almost singlehandedly put teams back in cities such as Atlanta, which once had a team and lost it, and cities that have nothing to do with hockey, such as Columbus and Nashville.

There were charges of fraud that Bettman had documents forged to prove that his I.Q. was above 90, thereby enabling him to stand as commissioner. These charges were dropped when two witnesses attested that Bettman was not only dropped from 52 private schools, but that he also spent two years of his youth in a mental hospital.

Regardless, the Supreme Court of Canada ordered Bettman to step down as commissioner, have his estate sold off to fund orphanages in Bhutan, and spend five years in a Winnipeg general prison.

Bettman has since disappeared, believed to be hiding in a bathroom stall in a gas station in southern Alabama. This has not been confirmed as of yet.

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