Baron Davis Recalls Time He Was Abducted, Aliens Now Armed with Killer Crossover

Gabe Zaldivar@gabezalPop Culture Lead WriterJuly 12, 2013

Aliens once stole Baron Davis for a brief examination. 

At least, that is what the former NBA star had to say in an interview with Neal Brennan and Moshe Kasher for The Champs podcast, via Deadspin

Here is the audio that will have most of you thinking twice about making the drive from Las Vegas to Los Angeles all alone. (Warning: This audio contains graphic language.)

Davis states that he was driving back from Las Vegas when he saw a bright light and was suddenly being poked and prodded by these "crazy looking people," which probably doesn't go over well with his former hosts.

Finally, he realizes he is in Montebello, California, not knowing why he is there, which is precisely the feeling anyone has when driving through Montebello. 

Thankfully, there was an In-N-Out nearby to calm his nerves. 

Now, as Yahoo! Sports notes, he does temper the story a bit: 

Eventually, Baron backed off his "abduction" stance, but only because that sounds like too pejorative a phrase.

"I don't think it was an abduction, dude — I think that they were, like ... because now, like, I come back and, like, I'm, like, sharper and [expletive], you know what I mean?" Davis said. "Like, I'm retaining information."

While I am sure all of us believe Davis was no doubt beamed into space or some other dimension, there is a tiny part of me that thinks he may have just fallen asleep, which is just as scary considering the dark and windy roads. 

But let's ditch the speculation, because buying into the story wholeheartedly is far more fun. 

If movies like Independence Day taught us anything, it's that aliens come here looking to study our weaknesses—like NBA stars breaking down game tape. 

We can now all look forward to life forms from other planets one day coming here to demolish humanity with ankle-breaking maneuvers and fall-away jumpers. It will be a day of terror that no amount of solid man-to-man defense or Bill Pullman speeches can remedy. 

I would also like to point out that aliens don't seem to be huge NBA fans. Now, I love Davis as much as the next person, and I enjoyed watching him play during his solid 13-year career, but you would think extra terrestrials from light years away might nab Michael Jordan or LeBron James. Hell, Dennis Rodman would have even shown them a great time in Las Vegas. 

Well, the question of whether we are alone in the universe has been answered. In the end, it didn't come from UFOs or some message from another galaxy. It came from a podcast we should all pay very close attention to. 

Every man, woman and child on this planet better start practicing perimeter defense. Something tells me we are going to need it. 

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