Rockets Look To Move McGrady To Fill Urgent Need: Team Barber (Humor)

Patrick ParsonsAnalyst IMay 5, 2009

HOUSTON - APRIL 24:  Guard Tracy McGrady #1 of the Houston Rockets during play against the Portland Trail Blazers in Game Three of the Western Conference Quarterfinals during the 2009 NBA Playoffs at Toyota Center on April 24, 2009 in Houston, Texas. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

It has been reported that the Houston Rockets are once again interested in moving Tracy McGrady in order to bring in what could be the missing piece on their quest to a championship: A team barber.

One who will bring steady hands and a reliable set of clippers to the team, something the Rockets hope will get them over the hump and help bring home a championship to the city of Houston.

McGrady has been sidelined since February 9, and it looks as though his career in Houston may be over after opting for microfracture surgery right before the trade deadline this season.

So why shouldn't the Rockets try and get something in return for him and his bum knee?

In light of recent hairdos, a qualified team barber could be crucial to the Rockets' success as a team.

Von Wafer is an excellent scorer and energy guy off the bench, but imagine how much he would struggle if his mohawk were uneven, or if his ear was nicked during the haircut?

Even more importantly, with Ron Artest joining Wafer with a mohawk and designs in the side of his head, an experienced barber becomes an even bigger neccessity.

If Artest were to come out onto the court with a subpar haircut, a fan may heckle him for it, and who knows, Artest may run into the stands to show him that his haircut is much better than just subpar.

The Rockets went to a local barber college to scout the talent before they opened their series with the Lakers, and were unable to locate what they were looking for.

Plenty of barbers seemed to be promising pickups, but when it came time for them to give Brent Barry a clean cut, they were flustered.

"That's a goofy white boy, what am I supposed to do with that hair?!" said Vernon Maxwell, a student at the barber college.

Barry, who had requested a high-top fade, was offended, saying, "I'll have you know that I won the slam dunk contest many years ago. I'm not a normal white boy!"

When asked about the possibility of a trade, Rockets coach Rick Adelman acknowledged that "It would do a lot for this team to bring in a qualified barber. After all, you know how tough it is to keep [Shane] Battier's head looking as ridged as a Ruffles chip? Hard work indeed."

Upon hearing the news of his possible departure, McGrady tried to defend himself.

"I think the city is really underestimating my value. After all, because everybody hates me so much, it is much easier to like the rest of the team.

"If i'm gone, who are you going to hate? Aaron Brooks? He looks like a 9-year-old with a beard. Luis Scola? You don't want to get on his bad side. If he hair whips you, you'll drown in the sweat and grease trapped in there.

"The worst I could do when I get mad is give you a sort of half glare, half lazy eye, and that just makes you hate me even more!"

The Rockets front office has been frantically calling SportsClips around the city, asking if they would be interested in picking up McGrady's contract. Not one call has been returned.

More updates to come as information is made available.


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