Twenty Reasons to Bet Twenty Horses

It’s that time of the year again, folks: The one time of the year that my fellow JSF members give me a free pass to crank out some horse racing chatter. 

The 135th running of the Kentucky Derby is upon us and, even though our market research shows that we would get more traffic by just posting pictures like this, I’m doing it anyway. 

Like last year, we’ll go ahead and discard the hardcore handicapping talk and instead focus on some suggestions for how the Average Joe should go about determining what horse to go with and why when they hit the betting windows on Saturday. 

I don’t want to pat myself on the back too much, but last year I did tell you to pick Big Brown if you wanted to pick the winner. Granted, it wasn’t real ballsy to pick the overwhelming favorite, but still, let me have my moment in the sun.

If you’re looking for an excuse to bet on any horse in this year’s race, look no further:

Bet West Side Bernie if you’re totally torn as to whether your favorite movie is West Side Story or Weekend at Bernie’s and you just wish that someone would finally come along and make a movie where Bernie Lomax joins the Sharks and starts kicking some serious Jet ass. 

Bet Musket Man if you prefer the role of sharp shooting gunman when you participate in the neighborhood Revolutionary War reenactments

Bet Mr. Hot Stuff because you just absolutely love the 1979 Dom DeLuise comedy vehicle by the same name and frankly, who doesn’t.

Bet Advice if you like to kick back and watch the race while enjoying an occasional sip of Hennessey, as that happens to also be the namesake of his grandsire. 

Bet Hold Me Back if you’re the kind of guy who acts tough when you’ve got someone much larger standing between you and the person you are supposedly trying to fight.

Bet Friesan Fire if you are of the belief that Larry Jones, trainer of the second-place finishers in each of the last two Derbys—is poised to take the next step with his entry this year.

Many are skeptical due to a seven-week layoff for the horse prior to the Derby, but he’ll still be one of the top betting choices. That’s about the best I can do for you since I have no clue what a Friesan Fire is.

Bet Papa Clem if a) you’re touched by the tale of a trainer-owner naming his horse after his father; b) you are eyeballing a nice potential return on a horse that will probably come in, 15-1, or higher c) you really dig Clem Haskins. 

Bet Mine Than Bird if you were one of the few rooting against Smarty Jones, as Mine that Bird is the son of Birdstone, the horse that came from behind to nip Smarty in the last few strides of the 2004 Belmont Stakes and deny him the first Triple Crown since 1979. 

Bet Join in the Dance if you think its karma that this late-entry horse will somehow perform as good as the horse it replaced which was likely second betting choice Quality Road who scratched due to a foot injury.

Hint: He won’t.

Bet Regal Ransom if you think it’s only a matter of time that the Sheiks of Dubai, after spending money in horse racing like an NFL player spends money in a strip club, finally get themselves a Kentucky Derby. This horse and Desert Party are probably their two best chances to date.

Bet Chocolate Candy if, when you walk into a gas station prior to a road trip, you scoff at the Skittles and Sour Patch Kids and head right for the old school Hersheys Bar.

Ironically, the horse named after weight loss mogul owns a calorie-packed indulgence Jenny Craig and the stable of her late husband Sid.

Bet General Quarters if you’re a sucker for the sentimental tale, as this horse is the only horse that trainer and former school principle Tom McCarthy currently has in his “stable.”

You can be fairly confident that NBC will crank out a human-interest story on this one before post time on Saturday (ESPN already has).

Bet I Want Revenge if you’re a fan of the Animal Planet show Jockeys.  The 18-year old jockey “phenom” who is featured prominently in the show - Joe Talamo - will be getting the mount on the early favorite in the Derby.  

Bet Atomic Rain if burning dollar bills isn’t proving as entertaining a way of wasting money as it used to.

Bet Dunkirk if you happen to subscribe to the popular thoroughbred wagering philosophy that preaches betting heavily on any animal that shares a name with a famous battle in World War II. 

Bet Pioneerof the Nile if you’re one of those people who aren’t very good at remembering names of movies and convince yourself that you’re placing a bet on the horse named after the sequel to romancing the Stone with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner—that or if you like West Coast horses, since this one is clearly the most dominant of them this year.

Bet Summer Bird because the horse’s trainer is named Tim Ice.  And, to the best of my knowledge, he isn’t a professional wrestler or porn star or anything. 

Bet Nowhere to Hide if you have no interest whatsoever in winning money on Saturday.

Bet Desert Party if you’ve always dreamed of throwing a legendary kegger in the middle of the Mojave.

Bet Flying Private if the motivation for you betting on the Derby is to make enough money so that one day you might be able to regularly take private flights rather than standard commercial ones, thus limiting the possibility of sitting next to an obese person who loves talking to strangers.

Sure, it’s a unique way of “handicapping” the race, but anyone who tells you they know how a race that is filled with 20, three-year-olds is going to unfold before it happens is full of crap. 

So, get your BetUS.com account set up and go win some dough.