Al Davis Assistant Position Available

Bart NielsenContributor IApril 29, 2009

ALAMEDA, CA - JANUARY 23:  Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a news conference introducing new Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin on January 23, 2007 in Alameda, California. Kiffin, a 31 year-old offensive coordinator from the University of Southern California, was named as the new head coach to replace Art Shell who was fired after going 2-14 for the season.  (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Dear Mr. Davis,

I was recently informed that you were in need of a personal assistant and thought I might inquire about this exciting opportunity.

This past weekend, I had the chance to follow along with your draft picks.  I must say, you seem to have a special intuition for what makes a great professional football player.  I have a feeling we probably have a lot in common.

Like yourself, I have a disdain for the so-called experts.  They think that just because they spend their time researching how something works, studying the traits of people who have been successful, and all that other nonsense, that gives them a platform to tell other people what they should do.  I too suffered through eight years of listening to these idiots before I finally mustered up the courage to tell my 9th grade teacher I wouldn't be going to school anymore. 

Instead of droning on about my resume, let me just give you some examples of how I could be a great asset for you and your Raiders organization.

1. The Heyward-Bey pick was brilliant.  While all these other teams were wasting their time watching game film, you steadfastly held that stopwatch above your head and declared the next Jerry Rice would be a Raider.  Because speed trumps everything, right?  That's why my first business trip would be to Jamaica, where I will make Usain Bolt fall in love with Oakland.

2. Next item on the agenda: get rid of Janikowski.  We can do much better.  If you'll just ante up a bit more money, I think I could get Tiger Woods to switch sports.  He can drive a golf ball well over 300 yards...just think of what he could do kicking a football!

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3. Did I mention I know a plastic surgeon who specializes in making faces less transparent?  He's working with basketball analyst Hubie Brown on a new experimental technique right now.  Just say the word and I'll hook you up.

4. I cannot believe the media is doubting your second pick, Michael Mitchell.  If you hired me, I would talk some sense into everybody.  Sure, he was projected as a fifth to seventh round pick.  Whatever.  You knew the Bears were gonna pick this guy otherwise, and how could we live with ourselves if we let the Bears have him?! 

We play the Bears at least once every two or three years!  The mere sight of Michael Mitchell wearing a Bears uniform would make me want to slit my wrists.

5. This game of drafting players is all about progressive thinking.  Somewhere in the jungles of Cambodia, there's a kid that can throw a durian fruit at 60 miles per hour.  We need to be ready to jump on this talent before anyone else does.  You can teach things like team leadership, the complexities of the NFL playbook, pocket presence, and general hand-eye coordination.  That's the easy stuff.  But you can't teach fruit tossing.

Before you interview the next person for the job, picture it in your head—a perfect Cambodian spiral darting through the air into Usain Bolt's outstretched hands in the back of the end zone, capped by Tiger Woods' extra point that rips through the back netting and lands somewhere in the San Francisco bay.

I look forward to hearing from you soon about the assistant position.  Thanks again for your time and consideration.