The Tool Shed: Blockhead Broadcaster

So Monday night, I’m watching the MLB Network, like you do, and I’m cringing at footage of Rockies’ second baseman Brad Hawpe going down after a pickoff throw to the neck.  And then, this moment of perfect idiocy from Matt Vasgersian:

I won’t dwell on the “Vasgersian thinks all black people look the same” bit.  Who knows, maybe the man can’t tell his Cosby from his King, at least when they’re sporting similar facial hair and headgear, just like I can’t tell Vasgersian from ShamWow!

Vince when they’re both holding chamois.  Maybe he thinks Donovan McNabb needs an offseason job.  Or maybe he’s just filling airtime with the marginally (totally?) racist, double-take-inducing comments broadcasters have perfected.

You know, Jack Clark getting heated up about the Brewers’ “hip-hop basketball celebrating” as the team untucks its jerseys post-win.  Steve Lyons going on about Lou Piniella’s Spanish-speaking, wallet-stealing ways. 

Ricky Horton dressing up as “Rick from the Future” and predicting what’s to come for major league baseball, thereby offending aliens and psychics everywhere. 

It’s Bush-league, and it’s baseball, baby.

But Vasgersian separates himself from the pack, bringing not just subtle racism but also other crucial tools to the airwaves:

• Diverse skills:  Some broadcasters specialize, others diversify.  Vasgersian’s portfolio includes not only football and baseball but also Olympic ski jumping, blackjack and poker specials, and the International World Championships of Rock Paper Scissors.  Seriously.
• Awesome tagline:  When a ballplayer hits one out of the park, two men yell “Santa Maria!” — Matt Vasgersian and Ron Burgundy.
• Fan/playa-hating:  Vasgersian has not once but twice bashed the beautiful, crime-ridden, STD-filled city of St. Louis, home of The Best Fans in Baseball™ (except for all the ones who are jerks), a spotty football team, and a tease of a hockey club.  What more do you want, guy?
• On-air swearing:  I do not have a delicate nature, but Vasgersian’s on-air use of the f-bomb, followed by 10 seconds of painful silence, is excruciating.

And let’s not forget his intangibles:  d-bag hair, oft-bumbling interviewing skills, failed career as a child actor.   There’s not much to love, but there’s so much to love to hate, and that makes him the perfect candidate for the JSF Tool Shed.