Mini Luchador USA Acquired By UFC. Big Changes Expected

April 28^th, Las Vegas Nevada, Ramada Inn

Today is a day that will long be remembered in UFC history. The UFC’s policy of acquiring competing sport combat organizations continues as it finalizes the purchase of Mini Luchador USA!

It was a tall order to acquire this tiny organization, and it means big changes for Mixed Martial Arts, here and around the world.

Many in the sports world were left speechless at the news conference. Held at the Ramada Inn on Las Vegas Boulevard, home of the world famous Silver Dollar Pancake. Many reporters upon hearing the news were apparently confused.

A writer for “Fight” magazine asked if Dana White was simply telling tall tales. Dana responded as he always does, with a sincere heartfelt statement.

“I’m absolutely serious. I love ALL people, and my heart goes out to these small Mexican Gladiators. They should be given the spotlight they deserve. My only regret in this life is that I am not able to help everyone…everywhere.”

Dana also used the time to announce the publication of his new children’s book, “Billy Can Fight.” His personal line of feminine care deodorant products has already become an international sensation. “Fresh as a an open mat,“ Dana says with a smile.

In terms of how this will immediately affect the UFC, the long awaited Atom Weight Class will be a welcome addition. Even now, unemployed 145lb fighters from the defunct WEC are cutting weight hard to get under the 85lb limit.

Action in this regard has already been taken.

Fighters such as former WEC Champion Urijah Faber will undergo dangerous Gastro-Intestinal Bypass surgery early next month. In a diminutive statement, Urijah said “Its always been my dream to dominate at 85lb’s, and I’ll stop at nothing to achieve my goal.”

His diet of Peruvian Tape Worms and Louisiana Swamp Leeches has already been mimicked by many other 85lb hopefuls including the world famous Hawaiian Hero BJ Penn.

Apparently losing the weight has been easy for Penn who with the help of laxatives and a long needle lost 75 lbs in one day.

For the first time in human memory, he’s no longer full of sh-t.

According to trainers that was the easy part- “He was so full of hot air we weren’t even sure the needle would work. We were also concerned with global warming and what the release of so much hot methane could do to the environment.”

Fortunately BJ Penn even had an overblown concept of his ability to pollute.

All that resulted from the procedure was a long annoying whine that went unnoticed by his trainers, who hear the same sound following Penn‘s many defeats.

Despite the need to lower costs and scale down the event, UFC 105 REDUCTION! looks like it will be truly unique.

Taking place at the Grand Vista Motel in Unpoquito Cahones, Mexico, the lineup promises to include legendary fighters of all weight classes. A preliminary fight card has been posted and looks very promising.

“The Iceman” Chuck Liddell will once again battle "Babalu" Sobral for a chance to coach season 12 of TUF entitled “Last Gasp”.

Season 12 will only feature fighters over the age of 50, and promises some intense relaxation. “The winner will receive six figure major medical coverage for life and a 1 fight deal said to be literally worth Hundreds and Hundreds of Yen“ quotes an inside source.

Brock Lesnar will attempt to get back in the win column after losing his HW Championship belt to Frank Mir in an embarrassing 10 second 1^stround submission loss.

He will fight Seth “The Silverback” Petruzzelli in an effort to regain the UFC spotlight. A special referee has been assigned to the match in an effort to keep the contest under firm control. Former Mini Luchador Champion, Luis “El Loco” Diaz, will use all of his 3 foot 6 inch frame to keep the combatants in line…

Enhancing the showcase event will be Michael Bisping.

Making his 155lb debut against Joe Riggs (hehe why not?), it promises to be a no holds barred search for victory. Any victory. “155 feels more natural to me,” Bisping quoted from his Manchester Hospital bed. “Besides, Ill do anything to avoid another fight with Matt “The Hammer” Hamil”.

Marvin “The Beastman" Eastman will take on a much improved Matt “The Law” Lindland.

Taking the concept of fighting "Anyone Anywhere" to the limit, the fight will actually be the first UFC contest to take place in a dumpster behind the arena.

Dana White will offer free seating for the event (standing room only) as part of his policy of “giving back” to loyal fans. The fight will also be broadcast live via Blackberry on a special broadcast of iCarly!

Josh Koscheck will attempt to defend his title as “Most Boring Fighter Ever” as he faces off against the number one contender, Lyota Machida. It promises to be a desperate clash of yawns vrs snores. Josh was interviewed earlier today but the reporters fell asleep listening to his boring backside. As a result no statement is available from either fighter- much to the relief of the UFC organization and it's fans.

Despite the difference in their respective weight the competition will go on as no contact is actually expected to occur during the contest. Such an act might result in excitement thereby losing the title for either party.

Finally in the exciting new Atom weight division, Luchadore, Mini Jerrito “The Rudo” Estrada will take on his long time nemesis Mini “Octogoncito” for the Atom Weight World Championship.

Despite the 5 round championship format most experts expect the fight to be short.

With a 32” reach and an NCAA National Atom Weight Championship already under his belt, Estrada is a huge favorite.

Betting has been hot and heavy on the underdog however, as Mini Octogoncito’s 1 foot vertical leap and 6” biceps make him quite the intimidating force. In a recent press release, Octogoncito said he would literally “Dwarf” his opponent

From even the tiny amount this reporter has seen, there can be little doubt the fighter speaks the truth.

-Marco Yanitelli, “The Italian Scallion”