College Football: Big Ten Teams As European Countries

Eric JacksonCorrespondent IApril 5, 2008

I recently posted the article "College Football: SEC Teams as Middle Eastern Countries." I didn't write it, but considered it truly a great analogy, as did several others who responded to it.

About two weeks later, I received an email from a reader, Rahul Nemani: "I thought the article you wrote about the SEC was hilarious. I was wondering if you could write a similar article on the Big Ten with a possible comparison to Europe because of the conference's age."
I'm not as informed about the Big 10 as I am about the SEC. With what little I already knew, a little bit of research, and Rahul's idea and sage consulting (he's a student at Michigan); I present to you: "Big 10 Teams as European Countries."

Europe has a rich, storied past...which is where it the past. They think they're still the most important region in the world, but everyone knows that the Middle East has a wealth of riches and is now calling the shots for the foreseeable future.

Europe added to its member nations, but refused to change it's name even though it makes no sense to call it that anymore. (Maybe Europe needs to work on its math skills?)

Russia, the country everyone loves to hate, is still not a member of the European Union and wants to be independent. Frankly, they're a threat to no one at the moment and are led by an arrogant asshole who is only a step away from being whacked by the do-anything-to-win Russian Mafia.


Once a powerhouse, now little more than an insignificant clan of people who talk funny and complain a lot.

INDIANA: Ireland

A very proud people who tend to overlook certain types bad behavior. Using the f-word repeatedly is acceptable.

IOWA: Ukraine

Detached from the rest of Europe and really should be part of Asia. Covered with corn fields. Appeared to be emerging as a regional power, but returned to mediocrity very quickly.


A rich history, tons of talent, but a tendency to employ leaders who are power-crazed, loud-mouthed lunatics who always seem to louse things up. Germany's citizens are always ready to tell you they're superior. When asked about recent history, they tend to get quiet quickly.


Germany's slow, loud, self-conscious and far less accomplished neighbor.


Liberal whack jobs covered in snow.


Citizens of other European countries (and the world) come here to get stoned and drunk, ravage the natives, then leave.


Pound for pound the most insufferable, arrogant pricks on the planet. Weak leaders who appear to be accomplices in their humiliating defeats. Holding their own against Germany at the moment, but everyone knows it's only a matter of time before the tanks are rolling again.

PENN STATE: United Kingdom

Used to run the world. Run by a beloved, geriatric figurehead who simply refuses to retire.

PURDUE: Norway

The secret to Norway's marginal success is that it's so boring, no one pays it any attention.


Filled with hulking pasty-white drunks with "ski" at the end of their last name. Looks tough, but easily rolled. Lots of jokes are made at their expense.


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