Ten Red Flag Rules for NFL Draft Day

The NFL draft has become a raging beast born in a bizarre ESPN lab in Connecticut and sent foaming across the land.

Its popularity and hype is amazing. And despite over half of the players that are drafted being wash outs and another quarter very average fans are obsessed with it.

Mel Kiper has become a monster, and mega rich off of a hobby he enjoyed. Cheers to Mel and his Elvis hair.

Chris Berman, like Doctor Frankenstein, has been there since the draft was spawned. No not in the twenties drinking bootleg whiskey with George Halas and Red Grange but with the draft since it became a media monster.

After eighteen straight hours of coverage even Berman begins to looked dazed and confusion. Perhaps Berman ponders what rough beast has slouched toward Gotham to be born.

Or maybe this year, after three dozen drunk New York Jet fans begin foaming and frothing after round three and no QB drafted, Berman himself will cave in and begin mumbling Mary Shelly wondering what he has wrought upon the land.

"But I am a blasted tree; the bolt has entered my soul; and I felt then that I should survive to exhibit what I shall soon cease to be--a miserable spectacle of wrecked humanity, pitiable to others and intolerable to myself."

Cheer up Berman its not that bad.

But in order to help the bedazzled NFL front offices I offer a few humble tips.

And if they are accepted, and are a successful, tips or a job scouting in the Caribbean are always welcome.

1. If your favorite player has been in more shootings than occur in an average Sam Peckinpaugh movie skip him.

Pass.

Even if he pleads that it was all a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time all the time.

Your team does not need an ongoing Quentin Tarintino movie unfolding every training camp.

And if he shows up for his pro day interview packing a pistol and pointing at his crotch saying this is my pistol this is my gun one is for fighting one is for fun immediately send him to the Cincinnati Bengal table.

2. Hard drug arrests are no no's. but arrests for selling hard drugs is a bigger no no. If he wants to be Tony Montana, not Joe Montana pass.

Not matter how fast, strong, and productive he was at Florida just pass.

if he passes the drug tests but says he enjoys "the life" and it's just  "bidness man." pass. Please pass.

Pot heads can be dealt with Pablo Escobar wanna can't.

3. Footballers who have been in fights can be dealt with.

Football players that have a 30-2 record against coeds, cheerleaders, aunts, sisters, female cousins, groupies, girlfriends, wives, waitresses, grandmothers, Mommas, and nuns should be avoided.

Those cruel cats don't change their stripes.

4. Players that are enraptured with themselves and show it by constantly referring to themselves in the third person.

For example if the player says " David A. Addington is happy to bring David A Addington to your city and I'm sure your fans are going to love David A. Addington as much as David A.

Addingtion is loved by all those who get to know David A. Addington. David A Addington, D ADD to his friends, can not wait to bless your club with David A. Addington's talent. Blessed it be to be David A Addington" And that player is in fact David A Addington please pass.   

This man usually comes with a posse of thirty to fifty. Never draft a man with a  posse of more then five.

Whatever happened to the days of Jack Dempsey when a man entered the ring alone and unadorned?

5. Don't take the magnificent guy that looks great, performs outstanding on all his physical tests, runs a 4.21 forty and bench presses 440 pounds but was mostly a dud  except for that one wonderful week against Indiana when he looked like Lawrence Taylor.

Pass you can't coach him up. Your not that smart. He's not that good. He will be the same underachieving guy except he will have millions in the bank and you will be the assistant linebacker coach at Ciudad Juarez State South.

Country strong beats steroid strong every-time. Skip the posers.

6. Don't draft an imbecile. The guy doesn't have to be bright. He doesn't have to be smart. He can even be dumb. He just can't be an all the time imbecile.

An imbecile will kill you. He will constantly do stupid things in very public ways. Don't fall for the oh he is just immature line or he's a good kid that does moronic things line.

Let him do moronic things for Jerry Jones. Jerry craves that jive anyway. Jerry wants a circus not a team. 

The mean moron is the worst of the breed. The mean moron will connive and try to do moronic things because he thinks its cool, funny, or he just craves attention.

Pass the mean moron no matter how fast or strong.

A guy doesn't need character as much as he just needs not to be a cartoon character.

7. Avoid the cash in, ching, ching, ching king.

The guy that's gonna grab that guaranteed money then grab the beer, the white bread, the donuts, triple bacon burgers and happyily hog down all day long and jam all night to old eighties hair bands on Guitar Hero.

This happy fellow says screw that football, dude. I got me a million bucks in the bank, the Budweiser is ice cold and Taco Bell delivers.

Life is good. I ain't running no forty yard dashes for no fascist football coaches no more.

That's nevermore. No nay never no more will I play the wild rover back, no nay never no more. Well maybe in my contract year I will.

Hey does Pizza Hut deliver beer and blonds, too?

8. Don't draft a madman.

Now sometimes madmen can come in handy rushing the passer on third and long or stuffing the run on fourth and one

Man Men can be handy in barroom brawls with bikers that is, of course, they are on your side. That's why the Vikings of old took drug addled, frothing Berserkers with on sea raids.

No not Jim Marshall and the Coach Bud Grant Minnesota Vikings of yore but Coach Harald Bluetooth and the Norway Vikings of Thor.

Today a total mad man can be very disruptive to a team.

Recall the insane in the membrane Big Ten defensive ends first round draft picks from the nineties?

Remember Demetrius Underwood and Alonzo Spellman? It's not a good thing when your mammoth first round draft pick hijacks an airplane.

How about Todd Marinovich? Driven mad by Dad by twenty one?

Richard Nixon and Al Davis both loved the madman theory in the seventies. It worked better for Al then it did for Dick but Al's madmen were football players first.

And the seventies were so much funner, in Nixon's defense Henry Kissinger wasn't near as good as John Madden.

Al Davis didn't cares if his players raged that being mad was a special pleasure that only madmen know if they could rattle Dan Fouts or intercept Terry Bradshaw.

Alas for Al the hey day of the madman has passed the NFL by.

Horseman, er Mad Stork on a horse that is, pass by.

Pass on the madmen. Remember the old rule don't sleep with anyone crazier then yourself? Don't draft anyone crazier then yourself either.

If your a coach like mad Mike Ditka that's an easy rule to follow.

The world is so full of simpletons and madmen one does not need to seek them for your roster.

But they did make the game much more interesting. And they sure could frighten the peaceful villagers storming off of those old Dragon Ships.

9. Don't draft a jackass. Known in San Diego as the Ryan Leaf rule.

10. If you have been hearing so much about a players potential problems or his off field issues or his problems with coaches or his Momma issues or he is just constantly in the media doing something stupid skip him.

Skip. Skip. Skip. Skip e doo daa have a wonderful day.

Who needs the stress?

Do you want to give a guy thirty million and suddenly every time you hear from him, usually well past midnight, he is living the lyrics from an old Warren Zevon song?

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the
Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Coach, get me out of this, hyeah

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock
and a hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes I'm down on my luck
Well I'm down on my luck

I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns and money
The shit has hit the fan

All right
Send lawyers, guns and money
Huh!
Uh...
Send lawyers, guns and money
Uhh!
Send lawyers, guns and money
Hyah!
Send lawyers, guns and money
Ooh!