Vince McMahon Replaces Roster with Pro Athletes and Movie Stars (Humor)

In an effort to maximize profits and diminish his losses, Vince once again started to add to his future endeavours list. It started with Tommy Dreamer, Paul Burchill, Jimmy Yang and R-Truth.

But much like many of Vince's obsessions, once it was started it was nearly impossible to stop. In fact, Vinnie Mac went so crazy that the only people left were Stephanie and Triple H.

Yup, you guessed it, Triple H has a job for life and he even fired Shane. But if you've seen his phantom punches of late you probably can't blame him.

In a moment of panic, when he realized he couldn't book Vince versus Triple H for the world title on every match for the fifth straight Raw, he decided he needed help.

"Er, JR. This is Vince. How Ya doing?" Vince sheepishly asks.

"Well..." JR starts but is interrupted. "Well how 'bout you come back to work for me as my head of talent relations?" Vince says with a whole lot of confidence.

"Vince, you hired and fired me nine times in the last 90 days. You said I'm passed my prime. I've got my BBQ chain. There aint no..."

Vince cuts him off again. "Alright, alright. You drive a hard bargain. But I suppose it's fair. I'll tell ya what I'm going to do. I'm going to open up three of those little pork places you love to run. Yeah, that's what I want to do."

Vince waits and all he hears is heavy breathing, as if flames are coming through JR's nostrils.

"Okay. Playing hard to get eh?" He pauses before sharing his brilliant plan. "I've got it. I'm going rename the Sooner's stadium after you. I can see it now. Welcome to JR Stadium home of the Boomer Sooners. Huh? You'd like that wouldn't you?" Vince beamed at his own idea.

After getting the guarantee that he couldn't be fired without 90 days notice, and of course the renaming of the Oklahoma stadium and the three restaurants, JR was back at Titian Towers.

Now with the three month no-compete clause already up on all the major stars, TNA is already the new number one.

"Vince, what do you expect me to do? I've got no one to work with here. I mean all that's out there is the Disco Inferno and Das Wonder Kid Alex Wright." JR pleaded.

Knowing that every time he thought of disco he's reminded from the horrible outfit, and the performance, from his music video "Stand Back" and he just shakes his head in disgust.

After minutes of pacing, "I've got it. JR, I want you to go out and get these guys. I don't care what it costs, just get them. They will be the new replacements for all the bums that quit and turn there back on me." Vince hissed as his face turned beat red.

JR reminded him, "Uh Vince, they didn't turn their back on you. You fired them. Remember?"

Vince flipped, "Shut up. Shut your mouth. You're fired. Get out of my office right now. Your fired!" He said as only Vince can.

Calmly, shaking his head he gets up to leave, "I'll get out, but you can't fire me. It's in my contract."

Like he had an epiphany, "Oh yeah. Sorry about that JR. Uh, don't leave. Come help me work this out" he apologized.

Making his way back to his seat he mumbles that Vince is crazier than a pet 'coon. They sit down and compile a list of replacement superstars who are to work for the new WWE.

Terry Bradshaw as Hulk Hogan

It's time to replace one Terry for another. Terry gets his skin painted orange, straps on the red and yellow and grows the legendary 'stache. The fans can't tell the difference from in-ring ability and it's business as usual.

Shaquille O'Neal as Big Show

With his basketball career over, and the fact that his law enforcement career was over before it started due to his rap on Kobe, Shaq quickly takes the offer. And although he has to go through 11 hours of latex body paint every day, it pays off as the charismatic star becomes world champ. Something Big Show never managed to do for long.

Howie Long as John Cena

Long is brought in to be the top seller in the WWE, but it gets off to a rocky start. Although he loses the glasses and shaves down the flat top, he's never quite able to pull off the five knuckle shuffle with his lack of rhythm. Vince eventually reduces his role to mid-card status.

Noah Gray-Cabey as Rey Mysterio

In need of a Latino star on SmackDown, they do the next best thing and put a mask on Noah Gray-Cabey from TV's Heroes and My Wife and Kids. At the same height as Mysterio, Noah plays Mysterio to the "T" and SmackDown! once again becomes the highest rated show for Latinos.

Daffy Duck as Cody Rhodes

Not able to find an exact match to Legacy up-and-comer Cody Rhodes, Vince struck a deal with Warner Bros. And although he doesn't spit nearly as much when he talks, it's close enough.

Jesse Spencer as Edge

They needed a big villain and Jesse Spencer (House) loses his Australian accent for a Canadian one and becomes Edge. Much to Shane's dismay, Jesse is still throwing around Edge-like spears, which leads him to win, and lose, gold six times in three weeks.

Joakim Noah as Carlito

Vince thought this was a great trade at first. But after not being able to convince people that Carlito grew 10 inches because he ate a lot of apples, he had to let Joakim Carlito go. Much to the dismay of the 6'8" Primo Eduardo Najera.

Frank Caliendo as JR

Once the roster is put together, JR is fired for the 10th time in as many months. He's replaced by Frank Caliendo who's able to make the transition seamlessly.

Other flops include: Chris Rock as Kofi Kingston, Johnny Damon as THE Brian Kendrick, Manny Ramirez as MVP and The Great Khali as a real wrestler.