Left Turn Louie: Children On the Tracks

What’s up with NASCAR allowing children to race cars?

Okay, so they’re not technically children, but they’re teenagers—same difference. If your age ends in “teen,” then you’re a child in my book. No matter, as most teenagers shouldn’t even be allowed to have a driver's license. Heck, most of them shouldn’t even be allowed to sit in a car, unsupervised.

NASCAR—obviously managed by lunatics—not only allows, but encourages children, I mean teenagers, like Joey Logano, Marc Davis, Darrell Wallace, Jr, Landon Cassill, Bryan Clauson, and James Buescher to race around tracks with normal humans.

Although I hear the crappy economy has forced some teams to cut back and therefore some of these child—uhh—teenagers like Casill and Clauson don’t have rides this season. At least there is something good coming out of Dubya fowling up the economy. The world is a better place with fewer child—uhh—teenagers driving cars at 180 miles per hour.

Think about it. What do teenagers do in cars?

They drink beer, play hard rock and rap music really loudly, comb their hair, talk/text on cell phones, and have sex in the back seat. They do all of this while not paying the least bit of attention to where they’re going—which is especially hard to do while having sex in the back seat.

And you want these maniacs driving race cars? Okay, so a race car doesn’t have a roomy back seat. Like you think that stops Joey Logano from getting a “Monica Lewinisky” while racing. Well, you obviously don’t know (or have forgotten what you used to do) how creative and devious teenagers can be.

That’s probably how Logano won the Pepsi 300. He “exploded” across the finish line—if you know what I mean.

I am, however, glad to see that since NASCAR is engaging in this craziness, at least they’re doing it with some diversity. Young African-American drivers like Davis and Wallace, Jr have been allowed opportunities.

However, in doing so, NASCAR risks losing a part of its market—the rural, moonshine-making, hood-wearing demographic. But oh well. So they trade a sector of lunatic fans for a diversity-sector of lunatic drivers. Seems like a fair trade (of lunacy) to me.

Children on the tracks! What’s next? Old half-senile buzzards like me? No wait...hmm...

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