The Pope Is Here! (Ohio Wrestling League: Show No. 5)

Ohio Wrestling League opens Show No. 5 in Cleveland with ring announcer Chuck Roberts introducing Jeff Gorman’s new broadcast partner.

“War Machine” comes on, and the crowd explodes, looking for Tazz…only to find Mark Madden in a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. The cheers turn to thunderous boos.

“I don’t need a weapon; my mouth is my weapon,” Madden says. “As usual, when the people of Cleveland want to see a winner, they look to Pittsburgh!”

(Crowd: Pittsburgh sucks! Pittsburgh sucks!)

“In order to convince me to come here tonight," Madden says, "the OWL has made a few extra accommodations for me, with extra funds from my connections at ESPN, AOL, CNN, and the nWo!”

He steps into an elevator that takes him up to the new, expanded “OWL’s Nest” commentary booth. It features a recliner, flat-screen TV, popcorn machine, and mini-bar.

MATCH 1: Ernest “The Cat” Miller defeats Josh Prohibition by pinfall after the Feliner kick.

MATCH 2: “Dojo Boy” Chuck Palumbo defeats Kanyon by pinfall after a Razor’s edge.

An angry Kanyon dumps over the merchandise table to create more work for Palumbo.

MATCH 3: Paul London defeats The Amazing Red by pinfall after a shooting star press.

Colt “Boom Boom” Cabana’s music hits, but Chris Harris comes out instead, with the Future Endeavors (Ryan Braddock, Gavin Spears, and Kizarny).

“Welcome to Good Times, Great Memories!” Harris says.“You thought you were rid of me, didn’t you? Well, I showed everyone, including Raven, that I am the leader of the only stable in OWL.

“I have my Future Endeavors here, but we need one more member to beat The Congregation tonight and retain the stable contract we won in the jewel of Ohio, Cincinnati!"

(Crowd: Bengals suck! Bengals suck!)

“So please welcome my guest, Colt “Boom Boom” Cabana!”

After a while, Cabana wanders out, a bit confused to be a guest on his own talk show.

“Colt Cabana, you belong with us,” Harris says. “You’ve never got the chance to show the world what you could do. Join us, and we’ll go to the top! We even made a team jacket for you!”

Kizarny hands Cabana a Future Endeavors jacket that says “BABY!” on the back, so the jackets will read: “THE FUTURE IS NOW BABY!”

“What’s in it for me?” Cabana asks. “I already have a contract to wrestle here. Plus, why would I want to be constantly reminded of my dismissal from the largest wrestling company in America? That’s like losing on "The Apprentice" and wearing a Donald Trump T-shirt that says ‘I’M FIRED!’”

“Okay,” Harris says. “If we win tonight, I will trade contracts with you. When you hold a stable contract, you get a 25-percent cut of the other members’ pay.”

Everyone reacts with surprise to that announcement, since it had never been revealed before.

“If we lose, you can be our leader, and you can change the name, the outfits, and anything you want,” Harris says.

“More money or leading the group? Sounds like a win-win!” Cabana says. “I accept your offer, because The Future is Now, Baby!”

Match 4: “Fabulous” John McChesney pinned Mike Quackenbush after a top-rope fisherman buster.

After he recovers, Quackenbush announces that he is going to work for Ring of Honor. The fans give him a standing ovation and a “THANK YOU QUACK” chant as we go to intermission.

During intermission, “Dojo Boy” Chuck Palumbo places plastic martini glasses on everyone’s seat.

“Nobody Does It Better” (the theme from “The Spy Who Loved Me”) hits, as we see the debut of “Secret Agent” Steve Blackman.

He gives a pair of tickets to a future OWL event to the fan who wrote “James Bond” on her gimmick suggestion board and handed it to Blackman after the non-gimmick battle royale.

Match 5: “Secret Agent” Steve Blackman defeats Blue Meanie by pinfall after a a karate kick to the face.

Match 6: OWL tag team champions The Filth & The Fury (“M-Dogg 20” Matt Cross & Teddy Hart) defeated The Full-Blooded Italians (Tracey Smothers & Nunzio).

The former ECW tag team champions try to keep the match on the ground, but Cross gets the pinfall over Nunzio after the Death from Above.

Match 7: OWL champion Joey Mercury (with Hot $hot Drew Lazario) pinned Sean Morley (WWE’s Val Venis) to retain the title.

Morley went for the “Climactic Splash from the Top Rope,” but Mercury moves out of the way. Mercury drills Morley with a piledriver for the pin.

The medical team strap Morley to a backboard and take him to the hospital.

Match 8: Main event – Survivor Series match for the OWL Stable Contract

Chris Harris leads the Future Endeavors (Cabana, Spears, Braddock, and Kizarny) to the ring to defend their OWL stable contract.

Soon, the ring is surrounded by a college drum line, followed by a 10-piece string orchestra, and then a gospel choir. They launch into “A Family Affair” by Mary J. Blige:

Let's get it crunk, we gonna have some fun
Up in this dancery
We got ya open, now ya floatin'
So you gots to dance for me…

The members of the Congregation come out. First is the 350-pound "Notorious" Shane Taylor, then Elix Skipper, then Xavier (with Simply Luscious), then 2 COLD SCORPIO dances to the ring with the Scorp-ettes!

At this point, it’s just a huge party in the ring, and the fans are ready to go crazy for whomever comes out next, and it turns out to be … riding in a black pope-mobile…

POPE ELIJAH BURKE!

“The Congregation is here!” the pope says. “I have called this group together because these great athletes deserve to make it to the Promised Land!”

“Shane Taylor, the success of Fabulous John McChesney came largely as a result of YOUR efforts. Did he ever thank you?”

(Crowd: NO!)

“Xavier, you dominated Ring of Honor, but when The Prophecy chose a new leader, did they pick you?"

(Crowd: No!)

“Elix Skipper, you were the best athlete in the final days of WCW. Did they allow Team Canada to be led by you?

(Crowd: No!)

“2 Cold Scorpio, you are one of the best wrestlers in the last 20 years, but the promoters only cared about how you could dance. Did they ever consider that the WCW, ECW or WWF title could be held by you?"

(Crowd: No!)

“This Congregation is not about you paving my way to the championship! I will lead you to the championships you richly deserve! I don’t need to be a champion, because I AM THE POPE!”

The bell rings, and the Congregation is so fired up that they just decimate the Future Endeavors. All five pinfalls take place in less than five minutes.

At the end, Burke hits the Elijah Express on Chris Harris, but instead of taking the pin for himself, he tags in Taylor to put Harris away with a big splash.

The Congregation wins the right to be the only stable in the Ohio Wrestling League. The music starts again, and the party spills into the streets of Cleveland.