Welcome to Fernando's Hideaway (Humor)

After a grinding day on the tennis courts and the ensuing duties such as interviews have been fulfilled, Fernando Verdasco prepares to morph into something few tennis players can even imagine - an alter ego. 

He drives to a remote side of a hilly Spanish village far beyond the confines of public scrutiny. He reaches an isolated two-story beach-house just as the Spanish sun begins to fall and give way to clear blue starry night. 

A distant rustle of maracas and local folk dancing can be heard on the other side of the lapping water. 

He heads into a room upstairs, greeted by a blue neon glow glazed with smooth jazz.  In the martini glass tinkling room, he finds his place in his comfortable chair.  He dons his headphones, closes his eyes and transforms into his alter ego - Fernando V. 

He speaks easily, like the first day of an anticipated vacation.  This is Fernando's Hideaway.

(In a Ricardo Montalban voice)

"Good evening, ladies.  Fernando is now at your service. I will be taking calls from you now and don't be shy with Fernando.  It is clay season so it is time to get dirty and throw a little mud around, si?  Caller number one you are on the air with Fernando.  Your name and country, please?

Caller One:  Hi this is Gertrude and I am from London, England. 

Fernando: Hola, Ms. Gertrude welcome.  You sound like a sexy lady..I'll bet you could purr for Fernando.

Caller One:  Purr?  Oh no sir.  I couldn't possibly purr.  I would wake up my dog Bigsby and you really wouldn't want to wake him up.  (Dog barks in the background) SHUT UP BIGSBY!!!

Fernando: MMM..Gertrude..you have a sexy rrraasppy voice...mmmm

Caller One:  Well I've had a bit of the flu and been hacking up phlegm that last few days...plugged up the loo right good!!

Fernando: If you could be here with me right now Gerrrtrude....what would we do?

Caller One: I don't know what you would do but I would want to order me frying pan. 

Fernando: Frying pan?

Caller One: Yeah frying pan...that what I've called for - a nice cast-iron frying pan so I can wack Harold with it if he starts snoring again.

Fernando: It appears that you don't know Fernando...

Caller One: I dont bleeding care...I want me frying pan...

Fernando cuts the line.  "Caller No. 2, please tell me your name and country. 

Caller Two: Allo, Coco...this is Pierre from Paris.  I am French and I say that we should French togezer, oui oui?

Fernando:  I am sorry but Fernando does not go that way.  Fernando is for the ladies.

Caller Two:  Oh Coco...I am having la surgery .. a little chop-chop and I shall be Pierrette...Pierre is no more...

Fernando: Thank you...I mean no thank you. (Cuts the line).  Caller three, you are on the line. 

Caller Three:  This is Anna and I am from Serbia. 

Fernando: Anna?  Anna Ivanovic?

Caller Three: Yes, how come you haven't called?  It has been over a month now. 

Fernando: Uh well...uh ...you see...umm

Caller Three: Is it because I beat you at tennis? 

Fernando: No that was a close match and you were lucky.

Caller Three: Fernando, I won 6-3 6-3 6-4 and I even beat you at a tie-breaker which you insisted on playing.  Fernando, come back to me and I will let you win the first set. 

Fernando: No thank you.

Caller Three: No Fernando.  I am coming for you my little Spanish fly.  I am tracking your signal down while I drive.  I have a wall and chain with your name on it.  I AM COMING TO GET YOU FERNANDO....HAHAHA....I AM COMING FOR YOU NOW!!!  MOUAHAHAHAA!!!!

Fernando:  (Very rushed) Well that is all the time we have for our program tonight.  Gracias to all for stopping by at Fernando's Hideaway.