Sally Jenkins Loves Sean Avery the Way the Capitals Love the Rangers

Of all the Avery-haters out there, Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post might be number one...or is it just jealousy? As the Queen said in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Jenkins devoted an entire column to insulting Avery on the day the the Washington Capitals started their first round playoff series against the New York Rangers.

Sally Jenkins, a feature writer for the Washington Post, a former senior writer for Sports Illustrated and columnist of the year for the Associated Press, had lots of advice for the Caps' superstar, Alex Ovechkin.

"The first time Sean Avery tries anything," she told him by way of her column, Ovechkin should retaliate by saying something like: "Hello, princess. Is that Gucci you're wearing under your hockey girdle, or did you go with a thong?"

Jenkins claimed Avery is all about messing with the opponent's manhood, suckering him into a loss of composure and onto low ground.

She accused Avery of "swaggering belligerence clad in a high-fashion wardrobe  — and the combination of raw knuckles and condescension" and wondered "will he wear Dries van Noten to the game, or Alexander McQueen?

A little personal, wouldn't you say?

She said Avery's tactics are all about control. "It's as if his hand is on a dial manipulating the temperatures of others," she wrote.

That kind of sports writing is a little too intimate for my tastes. But she wasn't finished with him yet.

She said, "He upsets his victims with crudeness, he goads others by questioning their toughness, gets the best of them by honing in on their insecurities, then leaves them regretting the loss of self-control, and often walks away the winner."

She reviewed the conflict between Avery and Boston Bruins' goalie Tim Thomas and the infamous comment Avery made about Dion Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames, and explained he was dating Avery's ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert at that time.

Meow!

She says the reason Avery is voted most hated hockey player in the NHL is his implication that he's the only smart guy on the ice and everyone else is stupid.

I've never heard that one before. Most people call Avery an idiot or a moron.

She claimed that he's merely using the league for his own self-promotional ends.

She quoted Avery saying, "They haven't figured out that heroes and villains are what sells" and claimed he said it recently to ESPN. He made the comment on October 9 of 2008.

She made fun of him for working as an intern at Vogue, wearing shorts suits to work, admitting to playing with doll clothes as a kid, and talking about fashion.

How does she know so much about him?

His whole gig is, "I'm man enough to admit I like women's shoes, and tough enough to defend it in the rink," she claimed.

Jenkins seems to know way too much about Avery. She said, "He comes on like a vacuous trendissimo, with his black-on-black costumes, $12,000 Audemars Piguet wristwatches, Phillipe Starck references, patent leather Yves St. Laurent hightops, and front-row seats at Fashion Week next to Winona Ryder."

A vacuous trendissimo?

She complained about Avery's dates, too. "He frequents powdery night spots with boldface dates such as Mary Kate Olsen," she reported.

She asked, "has the guy ever been with anyone not famous?"

She complained about his plans to open a bar in Manhattan and about the movie in the works about his life.

In the end, she quoted the Capitals' coach Bruce Boudrea saying Avery is "a really good hockey player who can play with the best of them." So maybe the lady doth protest too much, methinks!