Buffalo Bills' Blueprint for Destruction Working Flawlessly this Offseason

Ladies and gentlemen, the following post on the Buffalo Bills may seem like a non-issue.

After all, baseball has entered week two, while the most newsworthy NFL offseason event is still a couple weeks away, and very few people outside Buffalo give two sh*ts about the craziness that has enveloped Orchard Park.

That’s not the case here, though. Here, we celebrate trends that involve guns, tasers, and dysfunctional hysteria.

First up, the obvious non-issue that remains an issue, Terrell Owens.

T.O. signed a one-year deal with Buffalo in early March for $6.5 million. Nearly a month later, he doesn’t show up (on time) for voluntary team workouts. Not a big deal. In fact, it’s a “non-issue.”

A few weeks later, Owens shows up for a voluntary workout, just to give the media more garbage to talk about. Ironically, this new development has not been universally deemed an “issue” or “non-issue,” though his preceding no-show is etched in stone.

For the record, if Owens fails to show up for an involuntary workout, the world as we know it will never be the same. Here’s a sneak peak at the AP’s headline, just in case.

So this T.O. Business looks to be a fun journey for all involved. But it’s the least of Buffalo’s concerns right now...

While the team has added, ahem, an All Pro-caliber receiver, it has neglected to keep left tackle Jason Peters happy.

Of course, Buffalo could have delivered a plate of 30 pancakes with bacon and sausage on the side every morning to Peters’ home and he’d still be unhappy.

Buffalo should know that Peters likes raspberry flavored syrup and not regular maple.

Whoever holds the majority of fault, Peters wants to earn more than the $7.2 million he’s promised over the next two seasons.

Given that the Eagles are willing to dangle a first and third round pick for him right now, it’s a good bet Peters deserves a new contract based on “worth” at his position. But since this is Buffalo, Peters and his agent are sitting tight on their laurels.

While Peters is holding out and holding the offensive line hostage, third-year running back Fred Jackson has decided he deserves more money too, and is away from the team in hopes of collecting more dough.

Even though a guy with the name “Fred Jackson” sounds like he should be broadcasting rather than playing, he is a solid free agent player whose 4.6 yards-per-carry average is a dire need for the Bills.

It’s a dire need because…

Marshawn Lynch just got suspended for the first three games of the 2009 season. It’s that whole “misdemeanor gun charge” creeping back—damn rules and regulations.

But there are a lot of reasons to carry a 9MM semiautomatic handgun, no?

With no Lynch for the first three games and Jackson saying no to a one-year, $460K deal, the Bills might be looking into DeShaun Foster. Yikes.

Just this past weekend, Bills cornerback Donte Whitner was tasered outside the House of Blues in Cleveland while attending a party in honor of former Ohio State teammate Ted Ginn, Jr.

These are the types of things that happen at Ohio State football bashes.

And finally, this man, with all the above problems hovering around Buffalo, is once again leading the team.

At this point, the Bills might as well cut their losses and forfeit the season. That, or they need to fire head coach Dick Juaron (seen above) and hire Mark Miller.

That guy will light fire under all the Bills players' asses.