New York Yankees Pitching Coach Application (satire)

Attention all Yankees fans!

We are now holding open tryouts for a new pitching coach, as it is apparent our current coach, Dave Eiland, can't even find success working with Cy Young-level pitchers, such as C.C. Sabathia and Chien-Ming Wang.

There will be three sections of your tryout: We will begin by quizzing you on your pitching strategy expertise, which includes pitch selection, location, and how to get people out.

The second section includes understanding of mechanics and tests your ability to not injure players by teaching them the wrong way to throw a ball.

The third section is a head-to-head competition with Dave Eiland to see whose pitchers do better. You will both receive three pitchers: a starter, a reliever, and a closer. Don't worry, no Major Leaguers will be used in this competition.

If you're interested—especially you, Mel Stottlemyer—just fill out the application below:

Name:

Address:

Phone No.:

Pitching experience (ex: little league or coach pitching):

Are you a Russian spy?:

Do you eat candy? (Girardi wants to know):

Have you ever questioned Dave Eiland?:

Would you like Eiland's salary?:

Do you wish to work online or at the field?:

Do you have kids?:

Will you show this picture of me to your kids?:

No? Well, this is awkward:

Also, please send a chocolate bar with the application. C.C. is running a smuggling company in the clubhouse and needs your help. Don't worry, this was not a plot to give C.C. candy.