Tyler Hansbrough: A Pre-Draft Interview (Humor)

Recently I had the chance to sit down with two other high-profile individuals who are constantly in the media. I was lucky enough to talk with Jay Cutler about his recent trade, as well as LeBron James about being an MVP candidate, among other things.

In lieu of North Carolina winning the NCAA championship, as well as Tyler Hansbrough's draft stock officially being on the rise (if only slightly), I figured I'd try landing an interview with him, and see exactly whether or not he's NBA-ready.

(For this interview, the interviewer will be addressed as IN, while Hansbrough will be addressed as TH.)

IN: Hey there, Mr. National Champion!

TH: Hooray, hooray, hooray! How's it going, man?

IN: You sleep at all last night?

TH: Heck no, man. I've had like 10 Red Bulls.

IN: Cool. Congrats on the win, Tyler. You guys deserved it.

TH: I know, right? No one thought we could do it. Our backs were against the wall all season, but the hard work paid off. Finally...

IN: Actually, I thought you could do it.

TH: Really? Oh, thanks m-

IN: Yeah, and pretty much everyone else did, too. I mean, especially against this Michigan State team.

TH: What? They were good...

IN: Is that why you beat them by 35 earlier in the year? Cuz they were good?

TH: What are you trying to say?

IN: Well, nothing. You guys just sort of got a cake-walk schedule, is all.

TH: We beat Gonzaga and Oklahoma, dude.

IN: Gonzaga? Did you seriously just say their name as if they were actual competition for your team? And, while you sure did beat Oklahoma, you really got blasted by Blake Griffin.

TH: It's all about the team, man. You should know that.

IN: Maybe then, but not anymore. You have the draft to worry about, now.

TH: Yeah, and I'm PUMPED BABY!

IN: Oh..OK. Good, that's real good, Tyler.

TH: I'm gonna show'em what I got. I'm gonna dunk on everyone.

IN: Are you going to try dunking on them from the third block?

TH: Huh?

IN: You know, the two-step drop "I wanna be like Dwight Howard so bad" failed dunk?

TH: Huh?

IN: So, why do they call you Psycho T?

TH: Cuz I'm crazy, baby, and ain't nothing or no one gettin' in my way!

IN: I see. Ain't no how and no way, ehh?

TH: That's right.

(At this point, Hansbrough is standing up over me, foaming out the mouth, while looking from left to right. He continues doing this while I question him some more)

IN: You can sit back down, Tyler. Really, any time you'd like. You can sit right back down.

TH: You got the blood flowing, bro. The juices got me alive.

IN: Mr. T, just settle down. I can see veins popping out of your neck. Oh, jeez, one just did. That's gross, man.

TH: That's what happens when you get me talking about dunks and drafts and championships and-

IN: Run on sentences, and being a psycho, and having your own veins pop out of your neck...

TH: Where's a basketball hoop? I need to dunk a basketball RIGHT NOW!

IN: Nowhere near here, man. We're in a studio. Just sit down, will you? Please?

(Psycho T obliged, sat down, and after two bottles of water, agreed to conclude the interview)

IN: So, where do you see yourself being selected?

TH: For what, the All-American team?

IN: What? No, Tyler. I believe that's done with.

TH: For next year's All-Conference team?

IN: Um, no, Tyler. You were at North Carolina for four years. You're done with college.

TH: No, I don't want to leave. I love it there.

IN: Tell that to J.J. Redick, pal. There's a little thing called eligibility, and you ain't got none.

TH: But-

IN: None.

TH: This always happens to me.

IN: Can we get back to the question.

(Another vein is protruding from the other side of his neck)

TH: I'm a first rounder.

IN: Why?

TH: Because I have heart. I work hard, I hustle, and no one beats me when it comes to practice and working hard. And I put in a lot of hard work. And practice. And I crash the boards, baby, YEAH!

IN: Am I interviewing The Hulk? What the hell is going on?

TH: I'm a tenacious beast, man. I'll rip down the rim and break your face at the same time!

IN: Tyler, let's look at this realistically for a second. Do you remember a guy named Chris Wilcox?

TH: Yeah, he played for Maryland. He was a beast. A beast on the boards.

IN: Yeah, how's he doing in the NBA these days?

Psycho T ended the interview by mumbling something about how much Maryland sucks, a comment about bad luck, and finished with a rant about crashing the boards. Once the interview was over, I had the fine treat of cleaning up two broken chairs, disposing of what appeared to be one of Tyler Hansbrough's neck veins, and trying to rid of this awful, awful memory.

While I do believe Hansbrough's work ethic and underrated natural ability will help him succeed at the next level, it has to be said—the guy isn't operating with much more than what we see. And that's just the truth.