Super Bowl 2013: Most Hilarious Halftime Disasters of All Time

Timothy Rapp@@TRappaRTFeatured ColumnistJanuary 29, 2013

Super Bowl 2013: Most Hilarious Halftime Disasters of All Time

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    If we're being fair, most Super Bowl halftime shows aren't very good. These days, they generally consist of an eclectic group of performers who don't mesh well and are forced to jam an entire "concert" into a 10-minute performance.

    For many of us, it's a great opportunity to use the bathroom, grab another beer and load up on more wings.

    But some halftime shows are particularly and memorably bad. Sometimes, the performers just disappoint or there are "wardrobe malfunctions." Other times, the entire spectacle is such a muddled mess of dancers and performers that it's hard to ascertain what exactly is happening.

    On this list, we celebrate those beautiful disasters. We've laughed; we've cried; we've turned away, and now we re-live them all.

M.I.A. Flips off America

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    This one wasn't all that funny in the moment, but it was pretty rich in the aftermath. For days after M.I.A.'s little gesture, various special-interest groups went berserk.

    The Parents Television Council was up in arms. NBC blamed the NFL for having M.I.A. in the performance. Kids everywhere were scarred for life (no, they weren't).

    In all, it was a whole lot to do over nothing. And no, the performance itself wasn't that memorable, though Madonna wasn't bad.

Fergie Ruins "Sweet Child O' Mine"

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    Let's be honest—the Black Eyed Peas aren't very good. Sure, they have some catchy tunes that get stuck in your head like a leech that crawls into your ear and feeds off of your brain waves, but nobody is ever going to confuse their songs with "good music."

    So no, I wasn't expecting much from their Super Bowl performance, and I was right not to. That would have been fine, but then at one point they brought out Slash, and Fergie started singing "Sweet Child O' Mine," and...

    NO! JUST NO! YOU DON'T JUST GET TO RUIN WHATEVER SONG YOU FEEL LIKE RUINING, SUPER BOWL! THERE ARE RULES!

    Fergie and Slash—worst duo ever. EVER!

The Blues Brothers.... Sort of

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    I'm sorry, but Jim Belushi is not John Belushi. Not even close. And without John Belushi, the Blues Brothers just aren't the same.

    You tried, Super Bowl 31, but you failed. Even with James Brown and ZZ Top, you failed. 

Why, Aerosmith? WHY?

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    This Super Bowl 35 show—brought to you by MTV! Hooray!—was pretty bad right out of the gate. I like Ben Stiller as much as the next guy, but his opener was pretty corny.

    And then you put Aerosmith, 'N Sync and Britney Spears together? Why would you do this to me, MTV? Why would you do this to classic rock? 

    Aerosmith and Run DMC? Amazing. This halftime show? Dreadful. Just dreadful.

New Kids on the Block Serenade a Bunch of Little Girls

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    Perhaps taken separately, a cast of young children singing Disney's "It's a Small World" and the New Kids on the Block would have made for a solid halftime show. It sounds corny now, sure, but 1991 was a different time.

    But jamming those two things into one performance? Having the New Kids on the Block essentially croon for a crowd of young girls?

    Um, can you say awkward? This just didn't work. It's funny in that uncomfortable, "Is this really happening?" sort of way. 

Indiana Jones at Halftime: Seriously

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    Production meeting, somewhere in America in 1994 in preparation for 1995 Super Bowl:

    Guy One: Okay you guys, I've had a few ideas for our Super Bowl show. We've got to get an Indiana Jones thing going for Disney, and it might be kind of cool to do a whole halftime show based around that. Put on a little show, you know, do something different?

    Lady One: Oh, I love it! Let's do it!

    Guy Two: But wait—what if we also randomly threw a few singers in there. I'm thinking... Patti LaBelle. Yes, Patti LaBelle! And wait, what if we had Tony Bennett croon in the middle of the show and totally ruin the entire theme we were going for?

    Guy One: That literally makes no sense whatsoever. 

    Lady One: Oh, I love it! Let's do it!

    Guy Two: It's settled then. Indiana Jones, Patti LaBelle and Tony Bennett. This is going to be amazing, you guys!

    Guy One: I quit.

Up With People Delivers Corniest Performance Ever

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    Believe it or not, Up With People performed at four Super Bowls. The reason for this remains one of the universe's most perplexing mysteries.

Winter Magic

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    The year was 1992. The place, Minneapolis. The attraction?

    Figure skaters. Oh boy.

    Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill skated around on giant stars. Gloria Estefan sang. The entire thing was entitled "Winter Magic" and sounds like a 12-year-old girl had designed the entire ordeal.

    This was a disaster. There was no magic here, folks.

More Magic, Worse Magic

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    The magic goes on, but it only gets worse.

    Super Bowl 23 had a halftime show that can only be described as a series of bad ideas combining to create the mutant child of of a bad-idea orgy.

    There was 3D. There was Elvis Presto, an Elvis impersonator and magician, a truly sick combination that should never be conjoined outside of a well-sealed laboratory. And there was a giant, audience-related card trick that didn't really work since nobody was into the entire schtick.

    This was so corny it hurts to watch. But watch you must, if only to learn from the mistakes of the past.

Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake Give a "Revealing" Performance

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    Unless you've been living under a rock since 2004, you know all about this one and the "wardrobe malfunction." Frankly, you are probably tired of reading about it every single year.

    So I'll stop writing about it. And congratulations to Justin Timberlake, who made this list twice!

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