Missing Duke Starters Lead To Sweet 16 Defeat Against Villanova

Someone alert the NCAA, contact local law enforcement, and organize a search party.  The men's basketball team of Duke University have been kidnapped. They were last seen leaving the court at Greensboro Coliseum after surviving a second-round tournament game to the Texas Longhorns. 

Yesterday, Villanova University dominated a team of tall, preppy students who appeared to have stolen jerseys from an equipment manager at the Duke campus in Durham, NC.  The players gave viewers the impression they had some basketball experience, probably on a varsity high school team or YMCA summer league. 

These Duke "players" attempted to play interior defense, run a full-court press, and match Villanova's toughness. Duke's fan base was fooled for the first two possessions, but the replacement players showed signs of their inexperience early and were never able to regain the swagger of their scholarship-deserving counterparts. 

Missing from the Blue Devil repertoire was a barrage of corner three-pointers, accurate free throw attempts, defensive determination, intelligent play and, most notably, swagger. 

To their credit, the Duke "team" managed to score over 50 points, but in the end the squad was bested by a faster, tougher, more athletic Villanova team. Fortune was on the Wildcats side, as they not only moved on in the NCAA tournament to face Pittsburgh in the Elite Eight, but they broke a 50-year losing streak to the Blue Devils.

Also missing from the Blue Devils bench was Hall of Fame coach Mike Krzyzewski.  Reports say Coach K was too busy in his office writing witty rebuttals to President Obama's tournament analysis. Krzyzewski's coaching experience would have been especially useful during a tough stretch for Duke, when they couldn't hit the broad side of the Great Wall and resorted to fouling 'Nova players instead of playing defense. 

Ironically, Duke's calling card for most of the season had been their aggressive, containing defense. 

There's no word yet where the Duke starters are being held. Authorities are searching Cameron Indoor Stadium, where the players typically tend to show up. The team was nowhere to be found in Boston, Mass., but some reports suggest the Dukies may already be in Detroit, where they expected to be next weekend. 

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the Duke University men's basketball team, please contact university directly. With any luck, the guys were captured by disgruntled alumni or Cameron Crazies who expect a 2010 National Championship in return for their release.  

At this point, there's no hurry in returning the players to Durham. With the exception of Greg Paulus, as long as the guys are back by November, there shouldn't be an issue.