Michael Vick Passes Charles Rogers on Way Out of Prison

It was a glorious Wednesday in the land of NFL. For on this day, Michael Vick left the slammer (with whispers of a soon-to-be written biography lingering), Charles Rogers entered the cell, and the owners supported Roger Goodell’s attempt to purchase Spain and Portugal. [cue laugh track]

First, let’s begin with one of Matt Millen’s bastard-draft picks, Charles Rogers. He drank a couple of times and falsified records stating he attended alcoholics anonymous meetings while on probation. That’s a big no-no when you’re on probation.

Interestingly, Rogers chose 30 days of jail-time as comeuppance rather than remain in an intensive drug counseling program. It’s kind of like society’s way of saying, “You know? We don’t give a shit anymore. Go to jail and then do whatever you want.”

For his part, Rogers isn’t letting the dream die:

“I’m just going to do my 10 days, get out of the court system and try to get in shape for a comeback. Am I sad about the way my life has turned out? No, because I know the strides I’ve made to take care of Charles Rogers.”

In Charles Rogers’ quest to care for Charles Rogers, Charles Rogers has forgotten about Charles Rogers. At least that’s what Charles Rogers told me after I text messaged Charles Rogers.

March 26

1962 - John Stockton is born and, while the nurse wasn’t certain why, she bypassed the standard blanket and instead outfitted the newborn with really tight blue shorts.

1964 - The Samuelsson family in Sweden welcome their new baby boy into the world and when asked what they would like to name him, the father grunts to let out a huge fart.  The birth certificate then read “Ulf” Samuelsson.

1995 - Famed rapper Eazy-E passes away and leaves musical brilliance like “Gimme That Nut” as his legacy.  Love them Planters.

When you’re an athlete—college or professional—there are certain amenities that you get to enjoy that the average everyday schmo doesn’t. One of those, is that we normal people don’t ever have Jamie Dixon poised to put some serious palm on our ass cheeks…

Get ready, DeJuan, Coach Dixon has been dreaming about this all night.

The part about Michael Vick and Roger Goodell from the Tailgate’s opening statement just a few moments ago…

Michael Vick is leaving prison for a bankruptcy hearing (sweet) and he may or may not have written a book while incarcerated.

“That may or may not be in the making,” his new lawyer, Daniel Meachum, told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “That would too premature right now. But I’m committed to helping Mike get back on his feet.”

The best part about that story is envisioning Michael Vick writing something and then pondering if what he wrote can be considered a book. The second best part about the story is the lawyer’s awesome “may or may not” response. The third best part is envisioning the Atlanta Journal Constitution actually writing that response down.

And that thing about Goodell is just about how he and the owners will do absolutely anything for more money—including extending the season and playing 17 neutral site games. Greedy hogs.

In the current era of profession athlete steroid accusations, let us not forget Gregg Valentino. After over 23 years of bodybuilding through “natural training” Gregg decided to experiment with steroids. During this time his arms grew from an impressive 100 percent natural 21-inch to an in-human 28-inch. After years of steroids injections, one of his bicep actually “exploded.”

We can see the same thing happening to Alex Rodriguez’s collagen-infusion lips.

The final contestant in unveiled in Dr. Aaron’s Mustache Shakedown to determine the greatest lip curtain in the history of Cardinals relief pitchers.  Time to vote, people.

The JSF Vault opens up and reintroduces the world to one of the NCAA Tournament’s true unsung heroes.