It's 3:00 AM: I Need a Greg Maddux Rookie Card

“ARE YOU READY FOR THISSSSS!?”

It’s a little past 2:30 on a Friday morning. You can’t sleep, so you make a call to the bullpen and give the ball to the TV remote.

Suddenly, your channel surfing is halted and you’re immediately drawn to the voice. It’s a familiar voice, one that sounds like Chris Farley and Will Ferrell put together. And the voice is rabid. My God, the man is on fire…

“GET ON THE PHONE LINES AND DIAL! DIAL! DIAL!”

“FOLKS THIS IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE BEST MICHAEL JORDAN KILLER ROOKIE DEAL YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN!”

“FOLKS THIS IS ABSOLUTE INSANITY!”

Is this guy serious?

Yes; he most certainly is. His name is Don West and for 10 years, he made selling baseball cards on the Shop at Home Network an acceptable and rather lucrative practice. Not only that, but West did so in the hours of 12:00 midnight to 7:00 in the morning. To top it off, he has an incredibly thick mustache and a million dollar mullet.

As any famous baseball card vendor can tell you, a huge mullet and mustache + raspy voice and tantrums of yelling + over-exaggeration = the Billy Mays of card collecting.

Growing up in Indiana, West lettered in soccer, basketball, and baseball. He then went on to the University of Purdue where he majored in broadcasting and had two dreams: to be a professional athlete and broadcast the World Series.

As his on-line biography indicates, “Don did try out professionally (once auditioning for the Cincinnati Reds), but ended up in retail sales.”

In 1991, he joined Shop at Home selling knives on the air. Two years later, Don moved his way up the memorabilia shilling ladder and advanced to the Sports Cards & Memorabilia show for Shop at Home.

It was there where he began etching his legendary status as the world’s premiere sports collectibles seller.

Question: wouldn’t you get bored if your job consisted of shilling and hawking for baseball cards in the wee hours of the morning year after year? Answer: Not if your name is Don West. Said the Million Dollar Mullet… “I’ve collected baseball cards myself since the age of five – my favorite is probably a 1968 Nolan Ryan rookie card – and every day something new and exciting happens in the world of sports, so it’s always fun. I absolutely love what I do!”

As for that dream of one day broadcasting the World Series on network television? “Well, you never know. But since I discovered Shop at Home, I think my opportunities are really even better. I’m on national TV every day selling the best sports collectibles in the world.”

If you never saw Don at work then you probably don’t believe the above quote. I say believe it. The man gets excited about every deal and has the audacity to proclaim it the most outrageous deal of all time. And he always does so by beginning his pitch with a five word catch phrase… ###MORE###

“ARE YOU READY FOR THISSS? FOLKS, THIS IS WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE BEST MARK McGWIRE KILLER ROOKIE DEAL WE’VE EVER DONE! AND IT IS ONE SHOT! YOU’VE ONLY GOT ONE CHANCE AT THIS DEAL! IF YOU’RE TRYING TO GET THROUGH, PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE BEAR WITH US - WE’VE GOT THE PHONE LINES GOING ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!”

To enhance the consumer process, West is always quick to offer stretch pay …

“FOLKS, NOT ONLY IS THE MOST REMARKABLE MARK McGWIRE KILLER ROOKIE DEAL I HAVE EVER DONE, BUT WE’VE GOT STRETCH PAY! YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, WE’VE GOT STRETCH PAY! FOR THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF $99.99, YOU WILL GET A GEM - MINT - TEN MARK McGWIRE ROOKIE CARD!

GEM MINT TEN!” (“Gem Mint Ten”)

West also had a faceless partner named Kenny, who would call in from his cell phone to help pump up the deals and give some validity to it. We never actually saw Kenny, but I would bet that his passion is nowhere near the level of Don West.

Showing the mark of a true sports collectibles salesman, West always told the audience that they were running out of orders which would then prompt a countdown…

“FOLKS, GO TO YOUR NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE. USE YOUR CELL PHONE. DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO BECAUSE IF YOU MISS OUT ON THIS DEAL, YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! GIVE ME THREE MINUTES ON THE CLOCK GANG. THREE MINUTES!”

In one particular installment of Sports Collectibles, Don accidentally knocked over the display of his “6400 CARD BLOWOUT” deal and thousands of cards went everywhere. He then proceeded to mention how when he was a kid, he used to swim in a pool of cards. Seriously, I’m not freaking joking.

That’s right, SIX THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED CARDSSSSSS! And Don West went swimming in them - you talk about passion. I’ve never seen a hot dog vendor swim in a pile of hot dogs or a department store clerk swim in a vat of panties, but I have seen Don West freestyle in a a pool of baseball cards. And all for only $199.99!

As it turned out, I wasn’t the only Don West fan. During a Robert Downey Jr. hosted Saturday Night Live, Will Ferrell portrayed Don West in a skit where he was selling a Scotty Pippen sculpture and Mark Hamill himself as Luke Skywalker.

Ferrell promised viewers that the deals were so low that they were actually taking food out of his own mouth. The portrayal was pretty accurate. After all, I once heard Don say,

“FOLKS. I MEAN THIS WITH ALL OF MY HEART. THIS IS WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE GREATEST THING YOU’RE EVER GONNA SEE! AT THE GREATEST PRICE YOU’RE EVER GONNA SEE! IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY FIVE OF THESE, BUY FIVE OF THESE! DO NOT TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT! JUST DO IT!”

West left Shop at Home in 2001 after he and the new management met in a “mutual decision”. But rumors persist that West was arrested numerous times for selling counterfeit Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods merchandise throughout the ‘90s.

He was also arrested on a separate occasion for selling phony Dale Earnhardt autographs, which were dated after the racer’s death in February 2001.

For the love of everything that is sacred, please, Don, tell us this isn’t true. Christ Almighty! What about the GEM MINT TENS???

You can currently catch Don West as the color analyst for TNA Impact Wrestling.

Don’s celebrity status as wrestling analyst is starting to take off. As he said in an interview, “I got in the habit of wearing silk shirts every week to the show but one week had to wear a Hawaiian shirt because the silk shirt got lost. And I got like 20 emails (from fans) telling me to go back to the silk shirts.”

If anyone can sell silk shirts, it’s Don West.

BONUS: The Don West “Rookies Rookies” Deal!