Peter Crouch and the 15 Most Awkward Soccer Players in the World

Mr XSenior Writer IOctober 23, 2012

Peter Crouch and the 15 Most Awkward Soccer Players in the World

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    Of all sports, football allows for the inclusion of all creatures great and small more than any other.

    Players of all ways, shapes and sizes—or lack of it; Speedsters, tall, small, fit, fat or round. The football world has a place for everyone—even the awkward.

    The champion for awkward players and a hero, whether he knows it or not, to many is Peter Crouch.

    The English international is right in the middle of an excellent career that has seen him play for prestigious clubs like Tottenham Hotspur and Liverpool and has seen him amass 42 England caps.

    He’s bloody good—but he’s bloody awkward too!

    Here we look at 15 of the most awkward players currently playing football. Be they awkward on or off the pitch or with or without the ball they are heroes who should be celebrated.

    Read on and leave your comments in the section below.

Peter Crouch

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    For a man so tall it is ironic that he is called Crouch!

    At 6’7”, our Peter is one of the tallest and gangliest players in world football and they come much more awkward than this.

    Crouch is deceptively quick over short distances, has a deceptively good first touch and is deceptively strong for someone who looks like the footballing version of the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz!

Zlatan Ibrahimovic

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    Physically, Mr. Ibrahimovic is a beast. He is big, strong, does karate and has a pony tail. So all in all he is football’s Steven Segal!

    His awkwardness isn’t exclusive to the pitch though.

    Ibra, as he is known to his many fans, is an awkward foe to play against and is impossibly awkward to manage, hence the great amount of clubs he has played for.

Christopher Samba

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    The irony of the Crouch name has just been surpassed.

    Meet the player least likely to play like a Brazilian, ever. Big Christopher Samba.

    Samba is a huge man and as a centre half he is used to scaring the be-Jesus out of his opponents due to his sheer size. But after about a half-hour they usually realise he can’t run, can’t turn, can’t pass and isn’t quick enough to get a tackle in.

    So if you can avoid a tackle when he’s in full flight you’re fine. If not, then call an ambulance!


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    Gervinho is the Marshall Bravestar of the Barclays Premier League.

    He has the speed of a puma, the strength of a bear and the first touch of a baby elephant.

    On his day he can terrorise the best of defences, on his worst he terrorises Arsene Wenger!

Nwankwo Kanu

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    Has there ever been a more awkward player than Nwankwo Kanu?

    At 6’6” the guy is huge, and while he may have an exquisite first touch, he has the same turn of speed as a wheel barrow with a flat tyre.

    Also, according to Wikipedia Nwankwo is 36, but looking at him one would be forgiven for adding another 10 years to that figure considering the way he plays!

Emile Heskey

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    Heskey, one of the most maligned players of the modern age, was once though of as the future of English football.

    At Leicester, he was the left sided attacker in Martin O’Neill’s long-ball 4-3-3. He was extremely quick, powerful and direct and caused havoc anytime he had the ball.

    Unfortunately for Heskey though his future in the game was decided for him and instead of leaving him as an incredibly strong left sided player he was turned into an incredibly powerful centre forward.

    He bulked up to heavyweight boxer size and combined with his pace and poor touch he became an incredibly awkward centre forward to mark.


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    Sinha is quite possibly the smallest player in the world today.

    Measuring in at 5’3”, the 36-year-old is also undoubtedly the smallest centre midfielder in the world today – all the way down to U-13 level!

Shaun Wright Phillips

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    Wee 5’4” Shaun Wright-Phillips was once, like Heskey, the future of English football. And like Heskey much of that was down to his speed and directness.

    However, his first touch is pretty poor and he is as likely to nutmeg you and then follow the ball through your legs as he is to beating you down the line!

Per Mertesacker

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    The giant German is quite possibly the most capped awkward player in world football history.

    How he has won 84 caps for Germany, of all nations, is anyone’s guess.

    He is slow, has a poor first touch and struggles to deal with any kind of mobile forward. It also doesn’t help that he turns like the Titanic!

Stephen Ireland

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    Awkwardness, on the list, is not just restricted to the football pitch.

    With Ireland it means how awkward he is off it!

    His long running love/hate relationship with Ireland and the FAI makes Ireland one of the most awkward players to deal with, off the pitch, of all time!

C.J. Sapong

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    Good old’ C.J. plays in the MLS for Sporting Kansas City, and while I know absolutely nothing about his footballing skills, I can tell you that he is better suited to football that either rapping or wooing the ladies.

    Check out the video to see why.

    Awkward with a capital A!

Andy Carroll

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    It’s fair to say that Andy Carroll, as a player, is not Brendan Rodgers cup of tea.

    He is big, cumbersome, and not exactly quick, has an average first touch and is to fit all clichés an old fashioned centre forward.

    But hey, so was Alan Shearer and he is ten times the player Carroll ever will be.

    Anyways, Carroll’s problem is that he has too long a gait. Because of this he doesn’t know how to check his stride and because of this he is constantly battling to keep the ball under his awkward control.

Lukasz Fabianski

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    Is there a more awkward goalkeeper in the professional world today?

    There are definitely taller, smaller and less athletic ‘keepers out there but for sheer bad decisions there are very few worse than Fab, or Flappyhandski as he is often know as.

Shane Long

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    The Irish centre-forward possesses a body that is longer than his legs and looks uncomfortably out of sync with the rest of incredible physiques of the Premier League.

    This immediately makes defenders underestimate the West Brom star.

    Because, despite his short legs, he is incredibly quick over short and medium distances and often uses his speed to dominate defenders.

    His, slightly odd and awkward, physique also gives him great upper body strength. So, Long is equally adept at breaking defences through pace or at holding the ball up through sheer strength.

Lionel Messi

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    The most awkward player to mark in the history of football is, without doubt, Lionel Messi.

    There has never been a player so small, 5’6”, so fast and with such a good touch as little Lionel and as such he is almost impossible to mark.

    But that is only one part that makes him so awkward.

    Messi is also a horror to mark because he refuses to become embroiled in sledging during a match. No matter what players do or say to him he never replies and just gets up and dusts himself off before scoring.

    A real awkward silent assassin.