NCAA Mascotology: East Bracket

Move over, Joe Lunardi! There's a new "-ology" in town, and its theories are about to be proven by female bracket pool winners across the nation.

This, of course, is Mascotology. Time and again, this method has proven just as effective in selecting a bracket as analyzing the ins and outs of the point drop zone defense.

I am here to guide you through the matchups of the first round, game by game, so you can finally figure out how your wife just knew the Gators would win it all two years in a row.

 

(1) Tar Heels vs. (16) (Mt. St. Mary's) Mountaineers

Mountaineers do carry rifles, but when a pack of Tar Heels sneak up on you it is hard to decide whether to use your hand to pull the trigger or protect your manhood from a swift kick.

Edge: UNC

 

(8) Hoosiers vs. (9) Razorbacks

Given that a Hoosier is just a person from Indiana and the Razorback is hunted for game mainly in the southeast, I am going to say a Midwesterner may not know how to react.

Plus, anyone picking tournament games by mascot may actually believe this animal has sharp razors along its spine.

Edge: Arkansas

(5) Fighting Irish vs. (12) Patriots

I like this. Two human mascots going at it. It’s like a bar fight—in which case there is no question who would win.

Edge: Notre Dame

I once saw a painting of a cougar eating an eagle. It was awesome. I should have bought it.

It looked like the eagle got in a few scratches, so I see Winthrop putting up a fight. In the end, though, it's no match.

Edge: Wazzou

 
(6) Sooners vs. (11) Hawks

You may think the humans have the advantage here, but that is exactly what makes them so vulnerable.

One minute you are cruising the dust bowl of the Midwest, the next minute a hawk has swooped down, pecked out your eyeballs, eaten your wheat, and crapped on your wagon.

Edge: St. Joe’s

 

(3) Cardinals vs. (14) Broncos

The bronco seems to be much bigger and stronger, but when I see the Louisville Cardinal’s face I think of Peter Griffin fighting the Giant Chicken on Family Guy.

Definitely not a bird I’d like to be stuck with in a dark ally.

Edge: Louisville

 

(7) Bulldogs vs. (10) Jaguars

The Jaguar, the gold standard of luxury automobiles, would run right over any poor unsuspecting Bulldog. Keep your dogs on a leash my friends.

Edge: South Alabama

 

(2) Volunteers vs. (15) Eagles

The American Eagles? Seriously?

Okay, so we will consider this a pack of 16-year-old girls in brightly colored tank tops hanging out at the mall. They will be taking on a group of men from the South, who work all day and for one reason or another, are not paid to do it.

This is an easy one. What is not easy is figuring out why Bruce Pearl volunteers to wear that earwax colored jacket.

Edge: Tennessee