Terrell Owens in the Real World: Updated and Digitally Remastered

Note: Column originally ran in November 2005. TO was nuts then, too. The events of the past week caused us check the recent history of Real World T.O. We now join the column already in progress...

It’s becoming crystal clear that Terrell Owens’ impressive football resume will be overshadowed by his insanity when it comes time to negotiate with a new team this offseason.

TO isn’t insane in a Ron Artest “Let’s choke out a random fan in the crowd” way or even a Ricky Williams “I’m going to grow a huge beard and smoke weed for a living” way, he’s just a victim of full-on delusion.

There’s little doubt that he and his agent Drew Rosenhaus truly believe that their ability to cause massive disruptions and controversy is a tool to gain leverage in their negotiations.

According to Andy Reid and the Eagles, they’re wrong.

Now that TO has been suspended for the season, he might be out looking for work for a few months. I couldn’t help but wonder what life would be like for him in the real world—a world where people aren’t given raises because they throw tantrums.

For example, what would TO’s timeline of lunacy look like if, say, he were a worker in the fast food industry….

June 2002 - TO gets off to a rocky start at McDonald’s when, on his first day, he expresses his distaste for the company dress code after seeing that one-piece, full-body unitards are not acceptable work attire.

June 2003 - After a year of solid performance for the company with no notable incidents, TO storms into management’s office and demands a pay raise. He wants to be the highest paid employee because he made way more orders of fries than the franchise veteran did last year.

July 2003 - Owens is offered a three percent “cost of living” pay increase by the company. In response, he skips the next three days of work for what he claims are “personal issues” and returns to the office on the fourth day dressed in only a one-piece, full-body Under Armor unitard.

He is reprimanded by management and sent home for the day.  Instead, he proceeds to set up a press conference in the McPlayground, standing in the Hamburglar’s cage while ranting about how cheap the company is.

December 2003 – At the company Christmas party, Owens gives each employee a copy of the local newspaper in which he was interviewed and quoted as saying that he believes that Grimace is a gay.

Later at the Christmas party, Owens claims his comments were taken out of context. ###MORE###

March 2004 – Terrell quickly becomes a favorite of the kids who visit his McDonald’s after he begins performing celebratory dances upon cooking up a good batch of fries.   TO is also pulled aside by management and asked to stop verbally taunting those patrons who choose not to “large size” their fries.

December 2004 - Miffed that McDonald’s did not fall into a financial tailspin during a prolonged absence due to “personal reasons”, Owens releases statements to the company newsletter that his restaurant would be making more money with the manager from the local Long John Silver’s running it. 

He also claims the staff at McDonald’s is “full of nerds and ugly chicks.” And that there “aren’t enough mirrors,” in the complex.

Upon his return, Owens claims that his comments were taken out of context and that the publishers of the newsletter are manipulating him.

December 2004 – McDonald’s fires Owens.

February 2005 – Owens is hired by Burger King.  After agreeing to $7 an hour, he immediately holds out for $10 an hour.

June 2005 - Owens complains to his boss that he isn’t getting enough time working the drive through window. 

Also claims that Burger King isn’t maximizing sales of Sausage Croissandwichs because the owner is a friend of the neighboring Hardee’s store.

July 2005 – Multiple customers complain when Terrell begins autographing the buns of each Meatnormous Breakfast sandwich that he cooks.

September 2005 - TO makes his 100th successful hand off at the drive thru window and is shocked to find out that Burger King doesn’t have a celebration lined up for him.  He claims that the company has “no class” and that neither customers nor employees truly receive things “their way” like the slogan says.

November 2005 – Burger King is forced to reprimand TO after he showed up at the neighborhood Wendy’s wearing a Burger King crown and eating a Whopper. After being asked to leave, Owens runs to the middle of the restaurant, slams down his Whopper and spits on the manager. 

In the company incident report he says he “was just having fun”, that he really loves Wendy’s and he would probably like to work there.

November 2005 – Burger King fires Terrell Owens. He’s pretty sure that with his noted expertise with French fries, he could potentially land with Rally’s or at White Castle.

December 2005 – TO apologizes to his manager and the staff through the drive thru and tells them that he really loves them and it’s crushing him that he’s never going to wear the BK crown again.

UPDATED …

June 2006 - Owens sets up a de facto weight room at a Jack in the Box parking lot and performs a public workout. Rosenhaus, dressed as owner Jack, is Owens’ official spotter.

November 2006 - Four months after signing a three year deal to work the Jack in the Box drive thru, Terrell pleasantly whispers to fellow employees that the old, strict store manager with man boobs need be replaced with a cozy, jovial fat man.

January 2007 - The owner with the plastic face, Mr. Jack In the Box, fires the store manager. Owens confidently talks about improved store chemistry and a laid back attitude 10 minutes after the introductory employee meeting.

October 2007 - Owens drops four bags of value meals. The paying customers respond by yelling and screaming at him.

November 2008 - Terrell accuses the head cashier and assistant drive-thru floater of scheming to get T.O. less bags.

March 2009 - Jack in the Box fires Owens. Realizing his options are limited, he signs a one year deal with Arby’s.