Your Official NCAA Tourney Preview From That Guy At Work Who Doesn't Watch Hoops

(Before I start, RIP to Norm Van Leir. A all-around classy guy and Chicago sports legend.)

Let's face it: You can't buy a win in your office pool.

Either Rita from account services gets a perfect Sweet 16 by picking only teams with animal names, or you pay attention to some guy who has a "foolproof" plan and put UNC vs. Creighton in the final.

Well, suck no more, faithful reader! That guy in your office who doesn't even know who Dick Vitale is but has borrowed more money from you than Social Security (not to mention stealing that girl you knocked up) has tipped me into his winning ways, and in the interest of fairness, I'm passing it on to you.

Step 1: Pick only schools that have traditionally good football teams

This year, he's planning on going with an FSU—Oklahoma—Pitt—LSU Final Four. He then started telling me a story about Dan Marino in the 1982 Sugar Bowl and watered his ficus. How do you work with this guy?

Step 2: He looks at action pictures of the top players and decides that way

He said that Haseem Thabeet "looks like he might mug you," so no dice to UConn this year. Strangely, he compared a picture of Billy Donovan to your boss and just kinda stared for a while. This is getting creepy.

Step 3: Choosing the rival school of whoever Taryn, your hot receptionist, picks

Dude, you don't remember how she played him at the Xmas party? I don't even think he knows where Duke is, but he picked them because she took UNC.

Step 4: He copied Rita and picked via mascot

This is the only way Kansas, Syracuse, and Davidson make the Elite 8 this year.

Step 5: He's a weird guy

He has American University going into the Sweet 16, because "American University should win, regardless of the sport, right? RIGHT?"

(It was at this point I decided to leave.)

So there you have it, handy tournament tips from the guy who avoided getting laid off by naming names about the incident that happened at that seminar in Davenport. I hope they do you well.

And, in a completely unbiased note, stop sleeping on FSU. Toney Douglas is playing like someone has kidnapped his grandmother, Chris Singleton is a true freshman who is very versatile, and they've been making some noise in the ACC. If they make it past the second round in the ACC tournament, look for them to upset somebody big in March Madness. Remember where you heard it first. Have a good one, and remember to keep your nose clean.