What to Expect from SEC Coaches This Year: East and West

Forget the teams, forget the records.  What can we expect from the SEC coaches of the SEC this season?  If history is any indication of future outcome, let's take a look from the top down.

Western Division-

Nick Saban- In 2009 Nick Saban will take 14 days off from recruiting to attend University of Alabama games.  It may kill him to take this time off, but contractual obligations being what they are, he will attend the games. Saban spends millions investing in voice to text technology for cell phones to reach more recruits.

He will still look irritated doing press conferences and interviews as it takes time away from his recruiting and he will set a new season record for saying "aight."

Houston Nutt- Finally trades in the Blackberry for a new iPhone to better view and type his many text messages to and from adoring "fans."  Follows up much accolades and back patting into a similar up and down year with still favorable results but less than what's expected because he only coaches at his best when he's on the hot seat.

He'll do something that will cause scorn to come down him, and then he'll win several games to appease everyone before doing it again. 

Les Miles- Will get back on his medication this season and try and act like a normal coach until he forgets his meds on a road trip and goes for a double reverse on 4th-and-37 from his own four-yard line.  (And it will work.)  He will continue to try and to beat Nick Saban on the recruiting trail and therefore will have to double his meds.

Les will continue to deny he's a coaching candidate for jobs he was never offered anyway.

Gene Chizik- Will surprise the world by equaling his two-year win total at Iowa State in just one year!  Seeing that talent equals wins, Chizik steps up recruiting, let's Lane Kiffin take all the bad headlines and dares have Auburn hoping for a bowl game. 

He will attend so many dog and pony shows with Bobby Lowder, Jimmy Rane and Pat Dye to show their buddies they run the program now that his inside nickname may become Pinocchio.

Bobby Petrino- Will spend the season reminding Arkansas he's still the wonder boy despite continued troubles at the Pig Pen.  Blaming Nutt for everything seems to make less sense since Nutt's new team is doing so well after being so bad.  While not defending his record at Arkansas, Petrino will be secretly interviewing for new jobs.

Petrino will finally realize that the SEC isn't quite the same as the pansy conferences he used to coach in and keep making plans to jump into a smaller pond.

Dan Mullen- Will spend the year thanking God for Lane Kiffin and Auburn's insane administration and actually celebrate that no one knows his name when asked, "Who is the head coach at Mississippi State?"  Lowered expectations and no dismal head coaching record like Kiffin and Chizik mean that fans will actually give him time to build a program without the "I told you so" crowd running him off.

Mullen may come off as this season's "Level Head" award winner by staying out of the headlines and building up a program.

Eastern Division- Known as the Florida Division.

Urban Meyer- Turns down Notre Dame and Catholic Sainthood to jump to the NFL following the season, formerly adopt Tim Tebow, and make him his No. 1 draft choice.  If that doesn't happen, then Urban will simply stay at Florida and accept Gator Nation Sainthood instead.

The generally sedate Meyer will break character this season after the beat down of Tennessee and at the mid field post game hand shake will lose his "nice guy" image and ask Kiffin, "Who's your Daddy today?"

Mark Richt - Will spend the season explaining to fans and boosters that Georgia is just a few years away from finally being a top SEC team.  He has enough talent to beat down most teams, but not enough to keep Georgia looking like a drag queen in a football uniform against Florida.   Mark will worry that his image of the man to bring a championship to Georgia is tarnishing faster than he can rub.

On the bright side, he makes a pretty penny selling leftover black jerseys on eBay, mostly to Alabama fans.

Steve Spurrier- Fans see the writing on the wall when Hover Round becomes a sponsor on Spurrier's weekly recap show.  Visor boy seems stuck in SEC hell but it's a good gig and the golfing is good and it's not like Spurrier gives a damn what the fans think away. 

Spurrier tries unsuccessfully to trick another school in the ACC into switching conferences with him with a golf skins game.

Bobby Johnson- Has to spend a lot of time this offseason buying new shirts since his chest swelled so much last year after getting Vandy into a bowl.  Since he has assured his longevity at Vanderbilt with the first bowl win in 26 years he can now look into tougher tasks, like finally taking the time to read the instructions on those Grecian Formula For Men boxes he's been buying up.

Should Johnson somehow repeat in a bowl game this year, he will become the most hated man in Nevada.  Las Vegas will be boarded up as every casino will be officially broke.

Lane Kiffin - Tennessee behind Vandy?  Why not?  Ted Turner's illegitimate child, so kindly raised by the Kiffin Family is the new "Mouth of the South."  Kiffin will deflect bad losses by accusing Billy Graham of praying for God to "Just go ahead and sink to hell that stink pot of Knoxville."  He will set a new record for first-year coaches receiving violations from the NCAA.

Kiffin will be arrested at some point in the year for stalking Tennessee high school boys he suspects of signing with Alabama.

Rich Brooks- Decides to paint the team balls orange this year to try and fool fans into thinking it's a basketball game to trick fans to show up.  Kentucky has enjoyed some good years from Rich and prove they were smart in the past for having a coach in waiting, and this year for having his DEPENDS in waiting after the losses they'll endure this year. 

Rich spends the season using road games to scout for retirement homes to move to after the season.