Michael Phelps Goes Up in Smoke—So What?

So Michael Phelps smoked some weed, huh?

And? Whats all the hubbub, Bub?

A kid in his 20s who is popular and has some notoriety smokes some weed and EVERYONE is surprised, but why?

As someone who is a 40-something and works for a Fortune 500 corporation now and smoked his fair share of pot in his 20s, I can say with unflinching certainty that I am not surprised to learn this. This is what young people do!

I did it, and you probably did too!

What surprises me is the furor this has caused. Honestly? Now, I realize this is going to bring up a dichotomy of sorts because as I am writing this, A-Rod is being lambasted in the press for using the 'roids.  But these are two completely separate drugs used by two completely different types of athletes.

I will explain.

1.  Marijuana is NOT a performance-enhancing substance:

As anyone who ever passed the dutchie will quickly inform you, the only things weed will enhance are colors, sounds and the ability to tell the difference between the taste of jalapeno and habanero peppers blindfolded.

I mean really, ask any stoner. They will tell you, "Yeah, bro.  I smoked some killer NorCal Hydro and me and my buds played Call of Duty for nine straight hours and kicked some ass, hahahahahaa."

(Do note: This last part must be said in your best Keanu Reeves, "Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure" voice! )

Steroids, on the other hand, make you go from a skinny little dude with some talent to a bulked-up dude who can do anything but win a World Series title. Just ask A-Rod, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmiero, Roger Clemens, and Sammy Sosa.

2.  As I am writing this, I am drinking beer and smoking cigarettes:

Now, I know it is a pretty lame argument to most, but there are a lot worse things a person can do to his body than smoke a little weed. And they are legal. Cigarettes kill thousands every year and more deaths in this country are attributed to alcohol every year than any other substance.

So why is marijuana still banned?  The worst thing that ever happened because of pot was the fight between stoner "A" and stoner "B"  over who ate the last Twinkie!  I will recap:

Stoner "A":  Bro, who ate the last Twinkie?

Stoner "B":  Uhhh, I did Dude

Stoner "A": (angrily) Bro!!!  (calmly) Got any Doritos left, dude?

3.  Execs who pulled Phelps' endorsement deals are between 40 and 65 years old, guaranteed:

I think it's almost comical that Phelps got his endorsement deals revoked when you consider that most Corporate higher-ups are in the aforementioned age range. And I would be willing to put my kids' souls on the line that they are 90 percent college educated.

I say that to say this: Any Corporate Exec who went to college between 1964 and 1990 smoked the hell out of some weed in college. Probably did some acid and 'shrooms, a few rails of Peruvian Flake, maybe even took the train to Bangkok a time or two.

How hypocritical is it then that they would have stones large enough to judge another for their own transgressions. They hide behind religion and morality, but the only perfect man to walk the earth warned us against throwing rocks.

4.  Too bad he didn't get caught smoking Methamphetamines:

The media would have gone easier on him if he had. Here's how it goes: Get caught doing the hard stuff, go to rehab, apologize to your fans, get interviewed by Barbara Walters who makes you cry and the world celebrates your struggle against addiction. 

It doesn't even matter if you ever really recover.  Ask Darryl Strawberry. He kept coke dealers in the Bronx in the black for YEARS.

5.  He smoked some weed, he didn't rape and then murder a child!:

But you wouldn't know it from listening to every talk radio station or watching your local news. They all act as if he has done something horrible, committed an act so heinous that Casey Anthony should be glad that there's another headline to detract from her woes. 

Give the kid a break. He took a bong-hit, so freakin' what? With the exception of the Quakers and the Amish and a few Episcopalians in Fresno, everyone I know has done the same. 

Even our 42nd President did! Didn't inhale, my tucchus. It was just so good he doesn't remember inhaling.

No one is above reproach in this world.