Manny Ramirez Signs For-Life Contract (humor)

Today was a big day for the baseball world.

Scott Boras held a press conference just minutes ago to announce that former All Star left fielder, Manny Ramirez, has signed a contract to play for the New York Knights. The contract will not expire until he dies or is physically unable to be playing baseball.

Manny will be paid $30 million dollars in 2009, and he is expected to carry the Knights all the way to a National League Pennant. Manny has already started dating a fine young female named Memo to boost his image.

Ramirez had to comment, "I just hope my boy Bump don't die out in the field...I don't think I'd be any help in right for this club."

Ramirez was in New York to show off his new jersey, where he will be sporting the number nine on the back of his jersey.

Knowing Manny Ramirez and his quickly-changing moods, the Knights owner, known as The Judge, has added many clauses to this contract for Ramirez.

For instance, Ramirez has a nearly full no-trade clause. If Ramirez wants out of the Knights, The Judge included a contract stipulation stating that Ramirez will revert back to his 2002 form, and sent to Iowa.

In Iowa, Ramirez would forever play among other legends with dead careers--Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Pudge Rodriguez, Richie Sexson, Andruw Jones, and Eric Gagne.

However, Ramirez would still be paid by the Knights and not the Iowan team. In Iowa, Ramirez has more flexibility in where he wants to play. If ever he wants to leave a field where he will play in eternal youth, in an almost dream-like fashion, he will be given a map and a motorcycle.

From there, Ramirez will drive. He will drive to Southern California, and he will be joining a Little League team. Despite being the best offensive player on the team, Ramirez's defense still currently rivals that of the current left fielder for the Little-League club, the Bears.

When Ramirez wants to leave the Bears, because discrepancies with this club are almost certain, Ramirez will join another team full of kids. His accommodations in this undisclosed new location would include a treehouse, a swimming pool, and access to a travelling fair.

After this team, Ramirez will be out of options in accordance with Major League Baseball. From this point, Ramirez will either be designated for assignment, where he will catch for the class-A Durham Bulls, or be outright released.

Said Boras, "I'm pretty proud of myself on this deal. Everyone was saying we're nuts to be looking for a multi-year deal, we're even more nuts for rejecting a two-year contract, and we are certifiably insane for rejecting another deal from the only team genuinely interested in signing [Manny]. But look at us now, Manny is set for life, and I'm going to go celebrate in Cancun!"

When asked for comment, MLB Commissioner Bud 'The Dud' Selig, was speechless...literally. He went slack-jawed, and soon after drool started escaping the corner of his mouth.