The Devils Wear Bauer (Not Prada): The Sean Avery Movie

What has the hockey super-pest Sean Avery been doing since he got suspended by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and not invited back by his team, the Dallas Stars?

Aside from collecting his multi-million salary for doing nothing, he’s plotting a comeback with his Hollywood agent, Pat Morris, and there’s a movie in the works with New Line Cinema.           

The movie will be based on Avery’s internship at Men’s Vogue last summer, after starring with the New York Rangers, where he annoyed the New Jersey Devils goalie, Martin Brodeur, so much the NHL created The Avery Rule to keep pesky players away from opposition goalies.
          
Will the Avery movie be a sequel to The Devil Wears Prada?
           
Will it be called The Devils Wear Bauer? Or Cooper, CCM, of whatever kind of equipment the New Jersey Devils prefer?
           
Or does Avery wear designer hockey equipment?
           
Does Prada make jockstraps?
           
If you pester the super-pest about his interest in fashion, he promises to kick your butt with very expensive shoes that match his belt and shirt.
           
Will the movie feature Avery’s former girlfriends? Is there a role for Playboy and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Rachel Hunter or supermodel and actress Elisha Cuthbert, who plays Kim on the hit TV series called 24?
           
Will Sean Avery battle Jack Bauer?
           
Will the film feature the fight between Avery and Phaneuf that hockey fans were denied when Avery gave the interview that got him hit from behind by the NHL?
           
Would we pay to see that?
           
Sure, Avery said a bad, bad thing, like something out of Mike Myers’ hockey movie, The Love Guru, starring Justin Timberlake and Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.
           
Meanwhile, hockey players continue to get away with murder, or at least aggravated assault, on the ice, while Avery is off.
           
Maybe the movie will tell Avery’s life story, starting in Pickering, the home of Canada’s biggest nuclear reactor, and make some kind of connection between atomic power and Sean Avery’s explosive on-ice personality.
           
The film could show Avery starting to play hockey in Coal Harbour, Nova Scotia, before Sidney Crosby made it famous.
           
It has to include the fight between Crosby and Avery that’s on Youtube.
           
Avery is the only NHL-er getting more attention than Side The Kid this year.
           
The Avery story picks up pace when he gets drafted into the Canadian Hockey League, which supplies more than half the professional players in the NHL. He played Jr. A up north, in Owen Sound, across the frozen lake from Parry Sound, home of Bobby Orr.
           
Avery played with a lot of future NHL-ers in O.S., with the Platers, including Adam Mair, Ryan Brunettte, and Jamie Storr. Maybe they could all be in the movie.
          
Famously, Avery fought with teammate Dan Snyder, who was later killed in a car crash, right after he finally made the NHL. He had the Ontario Hockey League’s humanitarian award named after him.
           
Don’t you hate it when a guy you fought in Juniors later dies tragically and has a humanitarian award named after him?
          
It makes you look like the devil.
           
The Platers did not forge Avery’s character. They say he did his own thing from the day he was born. Maybe the OHL plated him, or fortified him with metal, so he could be covered in gold in the NHL. How do you show that in a movie?
           
Avery did the impossible after leaving the league which delivers twenty percent of all hockey players to the NHL. After being ignored by the NHL Entry Draft, he got a walk-on job with the Detroit Red Wings.
           
Detroit assigned him to the Cincinnati Mighty Ducks, named after the Disney movie the critics hated but millions of real people loved.
           
In all three of the Mighty Ducks movies, the good guys win the final game by one unlikely goal scored at the last second. Let’s hope the filmmakers at New Line leave out the biggest sports clichés in the Avery movie.
           
The Avery story goes from winning the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings to the NHL’s famous freeze-out. Avery played in Finland for a while and then set some records in the United Hockey League, playing for  the Motor City Mechanics.
           
From Motor City, Avery went to L.A., and from the Kings he went to the Rangers. After NY and LA, Avery annihilated the Vogue cafeteria, when the millionaire hockey player worked there for intern wages.
           
On his first day on the job, he took two trays of beef stroganoof, for lunch, and dumped them on some hapless woman working for Vogue.
           
Does anyone want to see scenes of the hockey player at the fashion shoots, like the proverbial bull in the China shop, or Avery in the closet, stripping and dressing for his own photo spread in Vogue?
           
The answer must be yes, as Guess Who was named by People magazine as one of the Sexiest Men Alive?
           
The question is, Who will play Avery? What actor is built like a hockey player. Can Avery act? He has already appeared in a movie, playing the part of a hockey player in a film about the legendary Montreal Canadiens star, Rocket Richard.
           
He’s also been on several TV shows other than Hockey Night In Canada and the other pro hockey shows.
           
What’s the moral of this story?
           
Avery got punished severely for saying something rude while TV cameras were rolling. Could it really be the end of his hockey career and the start of a new career in Hollywood?
           
I’d like to write the screenplay. Here’s a plot spoiler warning: In the final scene of The Devils Wear Bauer, Avery will score a winning goal in overtime, coming from behind to win one more big victory.
           
I’d Americanize the story, skip the Pickering nuclear power plant and the Parry sound connection, and focus on the Rocky side of the story, with an undersized underdog taking on a series of major league contenders: the OHL, the NHL Entry Draft, the Red Wings, the L.A. Kings, the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils, climaxing with Avery taking on Men’s Vogue.
           
The soundtrack with feature a remix of Frank Sinatra’s classic song, “I Did It My Way”.
           
Picture: A handsome man with an athletic build, dressed in expensive but casual-looking clothing, all of it perfectly colour co-ordinated, walks into a hockey rink with a supermodel on one arm and a star Hollywood actress on the other. He kisses them goodbye, changes into a hockey uniform, and emerges transformed into the super-pest we love to hate.
           
Sean Avery, built like Superman, acting like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, turns into The Joker, on the ice.
           
Imagine: A hockey player with a double life.
           
You mean not all jocks are thugs?
           
In my movie, Avery gets sent to Anger Management, starring Jack Nicholson, making a cameo appearance.
           
Maybe Adam Sandler can play Avery. He is the Adam Sandler of the NHL.
           
The Devils Wear Bauer is going to be a big hit.
           
If it was a Canadian movie, it would have to include scenes showing the influence of William Avery bishop, fighting the Red Barron, Norman Bethune, fighting TB, Tom Thomson fighting the Group of Seven, Sean Avery fighting Eric Lindros, Martin Brodeur, and Sidney Crosby.
           
The Owen Sound landscape would make a great location. It looks like it was designed by Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven. Winds from the Canadian Arctic blow across Lakes Superior and Huron to dump huge amounts of snow on the pretty little city.
           
In the American movie, maybe Meryl Streep could reprise her role as the fashion editor from The Devil Wears Prada.
           
And maybe Pierce Brosnan could sing another duet with Streep, as in Momma Mia.
          
And maybe Sean Avery could punch him in the mouth to make him stop singing.
           
Most people prefer Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan as 007, but not me. For the next James Bond movie, how about hiring Sean Avery?
           
Imagine a hockey player with a licence to kill.