Tom Brady Rocks Fauxhawk with Tim Tebow and Others at 2012 Met Ball

Three entered but only one left standing.

OK, that may be a tad overdramatic from what actually went down at the 2012 Met Ball, an event that I can safely say I will never ever be a party to. They just don't make tuxedos that can hold my swagger. 

They do, however, let the famous and very beautiful in, and that means Beyonce, Rihanna and Scarlett Johansson made appearances, making me wish they did have tuxes in my size. 

Oh, Tom Brady showed up with his fairly gorgeous wife Gisele Bundchen, and he was rocking a new look, again—and he came out looking all the more nerdy for it, again. 

The man with the sweetest spiral is destined to forever look like the bluffest, whitest Urkel, and there is nothing he can do about it. 

You can't have it all, folks, and that is the main thing we learned from the 2012 iteration of the Met Ball. 

Sports Illustrated's Jimmy Traina has tweeted out some fantastic photos of the event, and we have some hard-hitting ones included here. 

Do you want to see what privileged dorkdom looks like? Take a gander at the Brady fauxhawk, a grand spectacle that sits atop a man so filled with football talent that someone forgot to give him a clue. 

Here is Traina's up close and personal pic of Brady's hair.

"

Better pic of Tom Brady's faux hawk.twitpic.com/9irk3p

— Jimmy Traina (@JimmyTraina) May 8, 2012"

I will say that this is hardly No. 1 on the Tom Brady depth chart of dork disasters. The pony tail and the awful Carnival dancing take that delicious cake. 

I don't feel bad crapping on Brady, because he could give two Shi Tzus what I or anyone else thinks of his new hairdo. At the end of the day, he is one of the best NFL players and goes home to arguably the most gorgeous woman in the world, and that makes me sad emoticon. 

Oh, remember when I said we can't have it all, and that it was a general theme of the night? If not, you have a horrible memory and should get that checked out. 

Well, I bring you Tim Tebow, via Traina's Twitpic. 

He has the swagger of three Dwyane Wades and a bus full of Chris Webbers. The guy looks dapper and suave in his classic tux and rocking just the touch of stubble. 

He is flashing that award-winning smile and the nonchalance and humility that draw people to him, but it comes at a cost. 

It's a horrible travesty that he can't throw a football to save his life. Not that it matters, because he will find a way to start for the Jets shortly anyway. 

The real people that are hurt by Tebow's lack of skill are his buddies, who have at some point asked Tebow to throw them a beer. It's at that point that a PBR will be launched high and right, falling to the ground, forcing that friend to wait 10 minutes before it's safe to open. 

Now that makes me really sad emoticon. 

I can't get out of here without taking apart Amar'e Stoudemire, an athlete who recently had a dust-up with a fire extinguisher casing.

He is presented here with a semi-ridiculous tuxedo and full-on silly hat, via Traina.

Stoudemire is fighting a losing battle with this game called life right now, and he really needs all of our help. 

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