Message to Dana White: Some More Rematches I'd Pay For

Saturday will mark the long awaited rematch between lightweights Georges “Rush” St. Pierre and B.J. “The Prodigy” Penn in a match I like to call “the war to settle who’s nicknamed after the band I think sucks the least” (currently a toss-up. Rave vs. Canadians? It’s like asking which Nora Roberts book I’d most like to see made into a Lifetime movie). 

But beyond that, it also makes us contemplate what other rematches the ever-changing sport of MMA could and should deliver.

Sadly the list of rematches which could qualify for “dream” status seems to be dwindling by the day. A year ago, who didn’t want to see Fedor vs. Cro-Cop again? Or Silva vs. Rampage? Or even Mir vs. Lesnar? 

But now, either these fights are going to happen, have happened, or would be a pathetic embarrassment to at least one of the combatants if it were to happen. And let’s please leave the names “Matt Hughes,” “Chuck Liddell,” or anyone with the last name of “Gracie” or “Shamrock” (with the exception of “Ryan.” Raaawr!) out of the equation please.

But when it comes right down to it there are a few tussles I’d like to see again...Albeit all for markedly different reasons. Let’s take a look at the top three, shall we?

1.  Joe Son vs. Keith Hackney (original fight date Dec. 16, 1994) 

Old-schoolers like myself have watched with great interest as the sport of MMA evolved from glorified tough man contests to the legitimate sport it is today. Yes, for the most part even the earliest UFC events were eventually won by skilled fighters, but we also had brawlers who made Tank Abbott seem like the poster child for “well-rounded” by comparison (for that matter, even the name of the sport evolved. In the early days it was “No Holds Barred” rather than “Mixed Martial Arts.”). 

And while this gave the McCains and NY Times writers of the world ammunition to lobby for keeping the sport banned everywhere except Indian reservations, it also provided moments that should have made us all wince and/or hide our heads in shame.

And few fights ever fit the mold better than Keith “hey, punching in the balls is legal?  Cool!” Hackney vs. Joe “No, they don’t call me Soprano because I’m Italian” Son.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, search the fight out on youtube. 

Then remember last Saturday we had the longest first round in history because of kicks that connected somewhere in the same area code as Dan Louzon’s junk.  In the course of two minutes, one fight delivered more damage to the crotch than an entire season of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Am I glad the sport has moved beyond that?  Of course, and I’d never want to see such low-down tactics applied in a mixed martial arts fight ever again...with one exception: 

To Joe Son.

The first time it happened you couldn’t help but pity the poor guy. But that was before he was charged in a brutal gang rape which involved pistol-whipping and death threats in addition to multiple sexual assaults. 

Tell me you wouldn’t love to watch Hackney employ his old tactics now that you knew there was poetic justice involved. 

Some might say the fact he was in an Austin Powers movie should be another reason for such treatment, but I’ll be nice and suggest only those who appeared in Goldmember deserve unbridled torture of the genitals.

2. Tito Ortiz vs. Lyoto Machida (original fight date May 24, 2008)

I’d imagine almost anyone else making a list of rematches they’d like to see would have Tito on it. Of course they’d have “against Frank Shamrock” right after his name. Sure it was a great fight, but great fights are a dime a dozen. Ones that make me laugh my ass off? That’s what makes me think my PPV dollars were well spent.

And when we look at the Tito of the last 12 months: The Celebrity Apprentice, the guy who backed out of a fight with Dana White, and worst of all, the guy who was so terrible on the microphone last Saturday he actually made Scott Ferrell seem good by comparis...OK...PASSABLE by compare...oh who am I kidding? 

Ferrell was the f***ing holocaust of MMA stick work, but that doesn’t mean Tito didn’t suck to high hell too...a “chance at redemption” is not what the Huntington Beach Bad Boy has earned.

Also, let’s not forget the fact that if it weren’t for Tito we would have been able to remember Jenna Jameson as the queen of stroke material she was a few years back who had faded into obscurity, and perhaps we'd never have seen the photos of her masquerading as a piece of luggage earlier in the year.

For all those crimes against humanity Tito should once again be forced to step into the cage against the man who damn near gave him a brain aneurysm last May. Seriously, at the end of round two it looked like Ortiz was trying to will himself to grow hair just so he could tear it out in frustration. 

The fight itself was the viewing equivalent of waterboarding, but Tito’s expressions rivaled anything that happened in the Octagon in 2008 in terms of sheer hilarity. Who doesn’t want to see that again?

Oh, you don’t?  Get your own column then. Jerk!

And finally:

3. Bob Sapp vs. Kinniku Mantaro

I don’t care if it just happened a few weeks ago. I could watch them fight a hundred times and enjoy it more every single damn time. What? You haven’t seen it yet?  Holy crap are you in for a treat.

Take THAT Adult Swim Saturday Night lineup. This’ll teach you to be on instead of Metalocalypse.