2012 Kentucky Derby Contenders: Ranking This Year's Best Horse Names

There are many reasons to enjoy the Kentucky Derby. Maybe you just love a good day at the track, or you're a betting man or woman and the Derby is your betting holiday.

Perhaps it offers you an excuse to reread Hunter S. Thompson's classic piece, "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved" each year.

For that matter, perhaps you just really enjoy a good mint julep.

But me, well, I enjoy the names of the horses. Some are clever, many are meaningful, a few are even inside jokes I'd guess. But all of them intrigue me, even if the majority of them simply amuse me.

Let's rank the names of the horses at this year's Kentucky Derby.

21. Sabercat

C'mon, who names a horse after a cat? That would be like naming your son Kitty Cat Johnson.

And nobody respects a man named Kitty Cat Johnson.

20. Hansen

I don't care what the real origin of this name is, the first thing it made me think of was the stupid "Mmmm Bop" kids. And yes, I know that was Hanson, but I don't care, it gets a poor grade by (mild) association.

19. Went the Day Well

I can't get behind incorrect sentence structure. I'm sure I wouldn't enjoy the film for that very reason.

18. Alpha

Meh, been there, done that with the whole "alpha" thing. It's arrogant and I'm over it.

17. Prospective

I feel as though little effort was put into this name. Somebody just picked a word related to "potential" and everyone was fine with it. Poor showing, folks.

16. Liaison

How boring is this name?

I'll answer that for you: pretty damn boring,

15. Trinniberg

Trinniberg sounds like the name of an obscure Civil War battle. That is all.

14. Creative Cause

I'm bored by this name. It sounds like the name of that bad progressive rock band your buddy tried to get you to listen to in college.

13. Optimizer

Optimus Prime would have been a much cooler choice.

12. Dullahan

This horse is named after a pretty freaky fairy in Celtic mythology. Check it out, it's seriously weird and I don't care for it one bit.

11. Gemologist

I guess this horse is expected to uncover a gem of a run at the Derby. This name is weak sauce.

10. Bodemeister

This horse is named in honor of trainer Bob Baffert's son (via Tim Layden of Sports Illustrated):

"

And Bodemeister, of course, has a piece of the Baffert family name. Bode Baffert is Bob and Jill Baffert's only child (Bob has four children by his first marriage). He was named for Miller, a skier whom Baffert admires and befriended to the point where the two men had lunch together during the 2010 Winter Olympics, where Miller won three medals.

"

That's pretty cool.

9. Daddy Long Legs

The first of two "Daddy" horses. This name doesn't have a lot of flash or sizzle, but it's clever enough to get a good mark.

8. Done Talking

This horse is all about business. Or it's in honor of the owner's ex-spouse, so named after a brutal divorce.

Upon further reflection, the former explanation is probably more accurate.

7. Take Charge Indy

At this very moment, I'm fairly certain there is a band called Take Charge Indie playing a show at a ratty city bar where the patrons smoke American Spirit cigarettes and drink PBR.

As for what Take Charge Indy is in reference too (if anything at all), I don't know. And that's what I like about it.

6. Rousing Sermon

I'm not religious, so this name doesn't speak to me. And frankly, Arousing Sermon would be a far more intriguing name. Still, this one is unique and stands out, so it gets good marks in that regard.

5. Mark Valeski

I know what you're thinking: who in the hell is Mark Valeski?

That's why I'm here, my friends. To uncover little nuggets of informational gold like the Jody Demling of of the Courier-Journal shared:

"

[Trainer Larry] Jones said he’s named after an employee at the Seaview Hotel in Bal Harbour, Fla., where the Jones family  took vacations. The human Mark Valeski has been in charge of the pool for 40-some years. He’s never seen the horse run, but Jones said he’s expected to be at the Derby.

"

There you have it. A nice tribute, indeed.

4. El Padrino

If this horse doesn't win, it will shoot all of the horses that finished ahead of it. And if there are any illicit drugs on the premises, well, you can blame that on El Padrino too.

Since I have no idea if any of that will translate, here you go.

3. Daddy Nose Best

This is a pretty terrible pun. Luckily for Daddy Nose Best, I love terrible puns.

2. Union Rags

I don't know why, but I love this name. It sounds like an antiquated Southern opinion of The New York Times or something.

1. I'll Have Another

So will I. If I'll Have Another wins the Kentucky Derby, the next round is on me.

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