Newcastle On "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"

“Just what is Mike Ashley doing at Newcastle United?”

The question on everyone’s footballing lips may very well end up on, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

Mystery shrouds the owner of the Newcastle club again as the transfer window closes for the Tyneside giant, the only signing being an out-of-contract freebie, also known as Peter Lovenkrands.

Pressure is mounting on the elusive business man after a series of rumours surrounding the futures of the club’s two big names—Shay Given and Michael Owen. Given is expected to be on the payroll Eastlands by the weekend, with Owen set for a new start at Villa Park.

Meanwhile, while the club has been linked with a host of players in the Premiership, as well as in Italy, France, Scotland, and even Finland. But nobody else seems to want to come.

With neither Ashley nor absentee chairman Derek Llambias appearing at the club for  some time, fans are bewildered by the debilitating inertia at the club. They and the rest of the football world are all asking the same question: “Just what is Mike Ashley doing at Newcastle United?”

A) He has no experience and doesn't know what he is doing.

Possibility: High

There is no "How-To-Do" Manual for running a club. It is a hands-on job and needs a capable team to negotiate the delicate balance between the manger, players, fans, and business operations.

Dennis Wise lost all faith after ousting Keegan; Derek Llambias has been labeled Ashley's "Yes Man" who simply ignores the fans, and the retail magnate himself allegedly hasn’t been back to the club in months. Kinnear is merely lashed to the wheel of a rudderless ship of fools in a storm.

B) He is waiting out the financial crisis.

Possibility: High

Why not? Why should he sell the club on the cheap. He could have sold it soon after he bought it ("on the cheap" according to Freddie Shepherd). The global recession has hit everyone hard, including Ashley. Who would sell such a prized asset at such a time? He didn’t become a 30-something billionaire by bowing to pressure. 

Some rumours say his original intention was to buy the club and sell it for a profit but he fell in love with the Toon Army and decided to stay on. Mixing business with pleasure was his great crime. He is trimming the fat, spending the minimum to stay up, gambling that the league with finally expose the clubs with less talented personnel come May.

Big gamble,but if they stay up, the books will more balanced and he can sell when the time is right for him and him alone.

C) He is waging a vendetta against NUFC fans.

Possibility: Unlikely

Some fans, mainly in the pub, prefer this theory, that Ashley is so hurt by his new friends turning on him that he has decided to teach them a lesson, regardless of the expense. He buys everyone a free pint and this is how he gets treated. Right…!

If the leaked figures were not fudged, it seems the fans owe him an apology. Instead pub corners whisper an eery story: He seeks to sink the team into relegation and beyond, rebrand them as the next Leeds of the footballing world. 

He bought the club outright, nobody can stop him should he wish to do so. Would be some lesson, but a tall tale to believe he would waste his money like this.

D) He is building an Arsenal of the North.

Possibility: Low

This was Ashley’s proposed intention when he bought the club. No more gravy trains for twilight pros, but a young squad of potential from around the world scoured by Wise and Jiminez. Within a year or two, the books would be balanced and the squad full of super-teens that even Arsene would be proud of.

Sadly, this noble aim went pie-shaped when Ashley foolishly backed Wise over Keegan.

This could still be a possibility by default: Newcastle get relegated; they have to sign cheap young stars to survive financially; the ensuing promotion drive reinvigorates the club a la Keegan 1993-94 and the world remodels them as the Arsenal of the North.

Ask the audience:  See the Vote.

Can I phone a friend? Just as long as it's not Newcastle legend, SuperMac; or former chairman Freddy Shepherd. Both heavyweights have landed a few uppercuts on the current regime in a series of interviews about the turmoil at the club. Shepherd was especially vocal, blaming their inexperience and failure to admit their mistakes as root causes of the crisis.

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Ashley, Wise and Kinnear have three days to patch up a weary, battered and bruised Newcastle squad and put them back on track.

Anyone heading to Newcastle on February 1st better think again. If Newcastle lose the derby to Sunderland and go bottom, then expect fireworks.

Meanwhile—unlike Mike Ashley—you’ve just doubled your money.