NBA Zoltar: End-of-Season Predictions Almost Come True

 So I might not be able to grant you your wishes, and when it comes to numbers, let’s just say I’m not the person you should trust to purchase your winning lottery ticket. That's why I stay away from Black Jack and the lottery.

Here's my point: I suck at predicting anything—until it comes to basketball, particularly the NBA. I’m not sure how or when this happened, but somewhere during my 24-year span of watching professional basketball games, I got a grip on how they work, who is good and who should ultimately win—barring something completely unpredictable (say, an elbow to the dome from a crazy person or an eight-seeded team who’s been playing rope-a-dope all season).

I’m going to confess something to you now, something very personal. At about day 148 of the NBA lockout this last fall, I lost my mind. I went crazy. Something snapped and I didn’t care if they players got 51 percent or 15 percent. I didn't care at all.

All I really wanted was to see a basketball game. I real-life basketball game played by people with names like Blake and Dwyane and Derrick. Heck, I’d take a game played by dudes named Bismack or Corey. No, I’m kidding, it never got that bad.

But, I needed some NBA. With no hope of the lockout ending, things were about to get ugly. (I even tried hard to get into hockey because I had zero faith in Stern, Fisher or Hunter).

And then, on the 149th day, there was basketball, and it was good.

And a few of weeks after that, I decided to come up with some predictions for end-of-the-season standings.

This is what I came up with and truly, I’m a little shocked.

It’s always nice to be reassured that I actually do know a few things about a sport that I’m obsessed with but haven’t played since I was a mildly chubby, acne-riddled eighth grader. (I’m still good at free throws.)

I’m shocked because despite the shortened season and my history of being incredibly poor at predicting anything, these final standings actually held up pretty good.

I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything because I hate that saying but just take a look:

(They’re in the order I predicted with the actual records/standings listed cause it makes me look better. I’ll also only put up the top eight in each conferences.)

Eastern Conference:

1. Chicago Bulls – Predicted: 47-19  Actual: 50-16, No. 1

2. Miami Heat – Pred: 46-20  Act: 46-20, No. 2 (BOOM!)

3. New York Knicks – Pred: 41-25  Act: 36:30, No. 7 (Whatevvvvs)

4. Orlando Magic – Pred: 40-26  Act: 37-29, No. 6

5. Boston Celtics – Pred: 39-27  Act: 39-27, No. 4 (Mmmhhmmm)

6. Indiana Pacers – Pred: 37-29  Act: 42-24, No. 3 (Touché , Indiana)

7. Philadelphia 76ers – Pred: 35-31  Act: 35-31, No. 8 (I’m not even going to say anything…)

8. Atlanta Hawks – Pred: 32-34  Act: 40-26, No. 5

Western Conference

1. Oklahoma City Thunder – Pred: 45-21  Act: 47-19, No. 2

2. San Antonio Spurs – Pred: 43-23  Act: 50-16, No. 1 (Ew)

3. L.A. Clippers – Pred: 42-24  Act: 40-26, No. 5 (#BLAKESHOW, #LobCity, #hearts, #fireDelNegro, #NobodyislisteningtoVinny, #savethemfromthemselves….)

4. Dallas Mavericks – Pred: 41-25  Act: 36-30, No. 7 (Auf Wiedersehen, Dirk)

5. Portland Trail Blazers – Pred: 39-27 Act: You know what, it doesn’t matter. I mean, COME ON.

6. Memphis Grizzlies – Pred: 39-27 Act: 41-25, No. 4

7. L.A. Lakers – Pred: 39-27 Act: 41-24, No. 3 (At least I said Memphis and L.A. would have the same record, right? Doesn’t that count for something?)

8. Denver Nuggets – Pred: 36-30  Act: 38-28 (I live in Salt Lake so I’m not exactly mad that the Jazz are actually No. 8, but it should have been Phoenix.)

So, I struggled a little bit with the West. Should I have known that Brandon Roy would retire (which I’m truly sad about, I hope he comes back, ahem….Kobe…Germany…hmmm?), McMillan would be fired and the team would have a collective meltdown?

Or that Kobe would find The Fountain of Youth and become the bionic monster of my nightmares? No chance. Maybe a small chance.

As Zoltar would say: “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. Create your destiny wisely my friend and throw in a bit more wealth for more instruction…from ZOLTAR.”

And with that I’ll have a PayPal account linked here soon.

Good talk.