Roger Goodell Press Conference: Dramatic Super Bowl Announcement Humor

We here at the Bleacher Report pledge to pursue any and all ethical lengths in order to find and cultivate sources of the highest value. Our mole in the NFL offices provided us with a copy of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s speech from his press conference earlier today:

Good afternoon NFL Fans (hold triumphant pose for a few seconds...it worked for Obama so maybe it will work for me):

We here at the No Fun League have always operated under a system that places the enjoyment of our fans squarely atop the priority list.

That being said, our system of a strict salary cap combined with free agency and non-guaranteed contracts, has created the ultimate model of a league rife with parity. Truly, almost every organization, provided the decision makers aren’t brain-dead, has the opportunity to develop a winning climate and field a team capable of making a run at playoff glory.

However, upon examination of the upcoming Snoozer Bowl, we now realize that parity has given us the perfect storm. Or, how should we say, less-than-ideal opponents.

In the Pittsburgh Steelers, we have a team that wins with a stout defense mixed in with a functional offense. Or, in simpler terms, the Washington Redskins that don’t require a pocket full of Benjamins and a brothel to score.

In the Arizona Cardinals, we have the classic come-from-nowhere-because-we-play-in-a-lousy-division team that captured the hearts of the league by conjuring up a magical playoff run. Or a team whose stadium might as well have been named “Loser-Ville” for their entire existence.

But hey, the Cards entered the playoffs at 9-7 and managed to catch lightning in a bottle, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Now, given that our bread and butter game will crash and burn ratings wise because of the participants, we’re forced to take drastic action.

For the first time in the long history of the NFL, we’re deviating from the standard playoff system used for determining which the teams will vie for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. I mean, hey, if the BCS can pick a sexy matchup for their title game, why can’t we?

So, on behalf of the NFL, we hereby announce that the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots will play in Super Bowl XLIII (smile and nod head triumphantly with an “I’m the smartest guy in the room” look on face).

Yes, we’re well aware that both of those teams reside in the American Football Conference. Unlike the naysayers, we refuse to get caught up in minor technicalities, but, rest assured, we’ll deal with that momentarily. As for right now, excuse me while I pacify two extremely hacked off fan-bases.

As consolation for Pittsburgh and Arizona, both teams will be handsomely rewarded for reaching the Snoozer Bowl. Unfortunately, that reward won’t come in the form of monetary compensation. Yeah, keep dreaming.

As everyone might’ve read, we here at the No Fun League are suffering from the economic downturn just like everyone else. We recently had to lay off 150 employees, even though we’re the most successful sports league in the world with profits of a few gajillion dollars a year, but I digress.

Next preseason, Pittsburgh and Arizona will play in one of those meaningless games in which the starters are in the showers by the 8:00 mark of the first quarter. But at halftime, each head coach will come to midfield and engage in a best-of-seven rock-scissors-paper tournament.

The winner will be declared the Snoozer Bowl XLIII winner and receive a bronzed NERF football (nod with approval at crowd).

As an added bonus, every Steelers and Cardinals player will receive a one-percent discount off of a pair of Super Bowl Tickets (pause for “ooohs” and “ahhhs” over such unprecedented generosity).

Now, back to the two teams that will pull in the ratings ching.

Since the No Fun League is going all-BCS on the Super Bowl, we feel the utmost responsibility to make the game as fair as possible to both organizations.

With that in mind, I summoned the NFL Competition Committee members to New York. We’ve been hunkered down for days on end this week in order to determine, what, if any, rules we should adjust in order to assure the fairest possible outcome.

As you all know, the Super Bowl is scheduled to be played in Tampa, FL. It has come to our attention that a high number of New England transplants live in the Tampa area. So, in the essence of fairness to the Colts, we will be forced to relocate the game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Super Bowl will now be played at…(hold for dramatic pause)…Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis! (Note to self: before continuing to read, casually wink at Peyton Manning sitting in front row of reporters).

Yes, a last minute venue change does present a minor conflict, but fear not, Tampa residents. For those of you living in the area who have tickets to the game (which won’t be refunded...yeah, like we might ever do that...don’t read that part out-loud), the NFL has not one but two luxurious parting gifts for you.

First, each ticket holder will receive one 24-oz Pro-Bingo Stamper 500 Deluxe. This is THE Cadillac of Bingo stampers. You’ll lose your voice from yelling “Bingo” before this baby runs dry.

If that isn’t enough, we’re also presenting each ticket holder with a Buy One, Get One Half Off coupon for a Denny’s Grand Slam meal good at any Denny’s location throughout the United States. All coupons will arrive to ticket holders within two weeks of today via U.S. Mail (Note to self: schedule meeting with Corporation Counsel regarding the fact that coupons expire on January 26).

In addition to changing the game location, the Competition Committee and I recommend the following rule changes will be implemented specifically for this game. And again, I reiterate that these changes were made to ensure complete and total fairness to both teams.

1)       The NFL mandates that Tom Brady, under threat of expulsion, must play in this game. We are sensitive to the fact that he missed a few games in the regular season due to a minor medical procedure but the Patriots are significantly better with Brady taking the snaps. Failure to comply with this mandate will result in a lifetime ban on Tom Brady from the NFL and an automatic forfeiture of the game by New England.

2)       As we all saw last season, the receiving combination of Tom Brady to Randy Moss and Wes Welker was unstoppable. Therefore, we feel that it is in the best interest of both parties that we modify the scoring system as such:

          For the Patriots, point values for touchdowns, field goals, extra points, two point conversions, and safeties will remain as they were throughout the season.

          For the Colts, all of the above-mentioned point values will double (slight nod in the direction of Peyton Manning). Upon first glance, this might seem like it favors the Colts. As I stated, the Patriots offense, with Tom Brady at the helm, is so dynamic, this rule change merely levels the playing field.

3)       The Colts will not be bound to the 40 or 25-second play clock. Everyone is aware that Peyton Manning (shoot PM a quick fist pump) performs a long routine prior to each play whereas the Patriots prefer to run their plays quickly. We certainly don’t see any problem with allowing the Colts this extra grace period.

4)       For his entire run with New England, Bill Belichick has earned the reputation as the smartest coach in the game. So to neutralize New England’s coaching advantage, the Patriots will have only one timeout per half while the Colts will maintain the usual three.

5)       The ball will be placed at the 15 yard line for all Patriot kick-offs. New England’s kicker, Stephen Gostkowski, is only 25 while Adam Vinatieri is 11 years older. Gostkowski is younger and has the stronger leg, hence, the unfair advantage in kick-offs. Remember, fairness to both teams.

6)       While Indianapolis will be allowed a full allotment of play challenges, New England won’t be afforded any. Quite frankly, after the whole Spy-Gate incident, we’ve had enough of the Patriots challenging anything our organization says or does.

Let me reiterate, all the changes we are mandating here today are specifically to uphold the integrity of our biggest game of each season. Should any issues arise during the game, we will address them swiftly and, most of all, fairly.

Thank you all and we look forward to seeing you in Indianapolis.

(Smile for camera shots, step off podium, and shake Peyton Manning’s hand. Return to office and call that prima donna Favre about knocking off the retirement charade because we’re all sick of it).