David Stern Nuzzles the Sacramento Kings Toward the Ledge

"I worked on this at four in the morning, you guys!" a plaintive, disheveled Maloof wailed. His hair looked as though it had been teased under water by electric eels.

This was uttered in a Friday morning press conference, steeped in the complaints of Maloofs. The family felt so put upon for having to go through with a Sacramento deal they'd shook on a month prior. It was an agreement the NBA had pledged to back with $67 million in loans and an additional $7 million simply bequeathed. Now, it's no longer good enough. 

"They keep putting deadlines on us," George Maloof feebly opined. Surely David Stern would put a stop to this nonsense, surely he'd inform these trust-funded boobs that the NBA is bankrolling so much of this sweetheart Sacramento deal, and that this is an awful post-lockout look for the league. 

But later that day, in the Board of Governors press conference, David Stern revealed the true NBA org chart. He's working for the Maloofs, not the other way around. Stern's less likely to criticize them than they are to be self critical. On the handshake deal the family reneged on: 

• "In my view, it was always subject to any part saying they don't want to do it."
• "I think it's fair for the Maloofs to say, I don't want to do it." 
• "I would be hopeful for its (future) outcome but not optimistic." 
• "In our view, this was a good faith effort by several parties." 

Sacramento needs a champion right now, but they won't find one in David Stern. Sadly, bleakly, they'll have to settle for Maloofs.