Cardinals, Steelers to Meet in Classic Battle of Bird and its Steel Nemesis

Last week, we here at the Monday Football Column (all one of us) sang the praises of Kurt Warner and his post-season successes. And yes, that was an intended pun.

As it turns out, Ben Roethlisberger was approaching the made up list of greatness that I made up last week. After last night’s win, Roethlisberger is 7-2 in his post-season career.

His stats in nine games are commendable, with 16 touchdowns to 9 interceptions and 1,983 passing yards.

While his interception total looks a little high (or perhaps average), he finished five of his victories with zero picks. Consider that Roethlisberger:

• has two three-pick games in nine chances
• has four picks since his rookie season (7 games)
• has zero picks in two games this post-season
• once crashed a motorcycle with no helmet

Translation: Roethlisberger has been one of the best post-season quarterbacks since coming into the league.

There will be those who say “If he didn’t have an awesome defense he wouldn’t be…” and they’re probably the same people who say “Kurt Warner has had great receivers to throw to in St. Louis and Arizona, without them he’d suck,” and “Joe Montana had Jerry Rice and John Taylor. I could have won with those two!”

If you know or see one of these people, please escort them to the elevator and turn the electricity off.

Don’t worry about these same people saying “Tom Brady won because he had ___ on the team”. We all know Brady did it by himself. Tom Brady is awesome.

And dashingly handsome.###MORE###

Joe Flacco becomes first rookie quarterback to win first two post-season games before losing third

Flacco finished his first postseason with a 2-1 record, 1 touchdown, 3 picks and a 50.8 rating. For comparison’s sake, Roethlisberger finished his first postseason 1-1 with 3 touchdowns, 5 picks, and a blistering 61.8 rating.

I bring this up for no apparent reason, but will be a hypocrite in saying that Flacco really got carried by a defense in his first post-season.

Kurt Warner praises you know who for artificial hair and breasts

Cardinals do all they can to upset Cardinals

Let us count the ways:

– Leonard Pope tried to deny Larry Fitzgerald entrance to the end zone on the opening drive. Leslie Visser informs me Pope used to be a bouncer in college, so natural instinct took over.

– Neil Rackers kicks the ball out of bounds on the ensuing kickoff, which Bill Carollo tells me is a bad thing.

– On the Eagles’ first offensive play, the Cards are penalized for being offsides—but Philly declines because Donovan McNabb runs for 21 yards, which McNabb tells me made him tired.

– Aaron Francisco intercepts McNabb and DeSean Jackson tracks him down, forces a fumble and the Eagles recover. Nobody tells me anything after that because we were all wondering who Aaron Francisco was.

– A second quarter sack of McNabb on third-and-1 was aborted due to a holding call. The following play, McNabb hits Curtis for 47 yards, which tells me this Curtis kid has one hell of a motor.

– Cards blew an 18-point lead, which tells me that even when the Cardinals win, they still almost lose. That’s how good the Cardinals are at losing.

Recap of Raheem Morris job interview

The Monday Football Column staff went into stealth mode after the regular season ended and documented the interview process for several teams. After firing Jon Gruden on Friday, the Bucs front office called Raheem in for a meeting.

“Raheem, remember when Monte Kiffin stepped down and we named you defensive coordinator in his place? Well we just fired Jon Gruden…would you like to take his place too?”

“Sure.”

“Excellent! We all know you’ll do a great job!”

“Thank you.”

[buzz to the secretary]] “Cynthia, do me a favor before I forget: call Jay Gruden. He’s fired, too.”

Report: Terrible Towel full of dried boogers

If you bleed black and yellow, you have a serious health issue. That or you’ll really enjoy the following look at the Terrible Towel through history. The name “Terrible Towel” sounds like something Mike Holmgren uses to blow his nose.

Kurt Warner one step closer to football sainthood

After Sunday’s performance, Warner is 8-2 with 23 TD, 12 INT and 299 passing yards per game. Throw in 3 Super Bowl appearances and one SB Championship and a previous belief is reaffirmed.

I like to think of myself as a born-again Warner. The fan in me thought he was washed up a few years ago...while the realist in me thought he turned the ball over like an idiot.

Now, the realist and fan have merged into one holy entity, which forces me to make quips about Warner’s faith as often as he mentions it. It’s truly powerful.

2 minute run ‘n shoot no huddle drill

DeSean Jackson…tracked down Aaron Francisco thinking Aaron may drop the ball before the goal line.

Scott Linehan…apparently declined the 49ers offensive coordinator’s job because he may be able to do it in Tampa Bay or New Jersey. Both the Bucs and Jets have yet to realize it.

Media Guy…says Raheem Morris is a “Mike Tomlin type”.

Bill Carollo…officiated his last game Sunday night. He really wanted to take advantage of his audio-echo by stating before the game that he considers himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. He refrained.

Bill Carollo…needs to tell the National Football League that all “encroachment” penalties should be referred to as “offsides.”

The Hazing of Ken Whisenhunt - a Five Part Series

It used to be fun and games when the head coach took his team to the Super Bowl for the first time. But that all changed when Ken Whisenhunt and the Cardinals defeated the Eagles.

Part I: Quarterback Kurt Warner unleashes his telepathic Holy Powers on those who touch his fanny.

Part II: The spell leaves Whisenhunt vulnerable to a tickle attack.

Part III: Team officials mix Gatorade with urine and droppings from a real Cardinal to give Coach that genuine “bird” feeling.

Part IV: The indistinguishable smell of Lemon Lime, urine and feces provoke Andy Reid’s appetite as the players stray from Coach across the field.

Part V: The organization leaves Coach with Terry Bradshaw.

The preceding was written by Patrick Imig. He’d consider ending it if Terry Bradshaw came within 10 inches of his face. Email him at [e-mail].