Big Ten Football: Giving the Mega Millions Jackpot to Each Big Ten Team

$540 million is on the table for this week's Mega Millions lottery game.

$540 million.

That's a lot of money. That's enough to buy the services of Nick Saban for about a century. It's what Alabama fans will be claiming Cecil Newton asked for 20 years from now.

It's half an Oprah.

So clearly there isn't a football program in the Big Ten that wouldn't be able to put that kind of money to good use. Let's assume every single program bought a lottery ticket, and what each athletic department is planning to do with the winnings. And yes, I know, there are huge taxes and all, but come on; if anyone's going to use shady accounting, it's a college athletic department, no?

Illinois: Illinois' state-of-the-art medical department gets every penny, provided that it is used to make Simeon Rice perpetually 22 years old and NCAA-eligible. It works, and Illinois never loses another game again.

Indiana: Oh, you know they'd just spend it on the basketball team.

Iowa: $540 million, you say? Hey, you know what Iowa hasn't done in a while? Give Kirk Ferentz a raise! Armed with college football's first $70-million-a-year coach, Iowa goes out there and sets the world on fire by going 8-5 again, or whatever.

Michigan: The Big House gets a much-needed overhaul as Michigan football careens into the 21st century. For the first time, subwoofers and lasers are added to a college football stadium's audio/visual equipment, and Michigan acquires exclusive rights to broadcast "Seven Nation Army," "Zombie Nation" and "Sandstorm." The marching band is rendered obsolete and is summarily, er, disbanded. You're welcome, Michigan fans!

Michigan State: MSU addresses a critical security need by acquiring 300 acres of land near Spartan Stadium, and retrofitting the area with 15-foot walls, electrified fencing and the most sophisticated security technology known to man. Here, Denicos Allen and Will Gholston can live their lives, safely ensconced from human society, where they are a threat to sack people/trucks/buildings at the drop of a hat. Once a week, a "backup quarterback" (really just a goat in a football uniform) is provided as food.

Minnesota: Minnesota uses the money to pay teams to lose to them, which sparks a national outcry and a legal battle that reaches the Supreme Court. The court rules in favor of Minnesota, saying that pretty much everything should be legal if you're paying half a billion dollars for it.

Nebraska: A 500-foot bronze statue of Tommie Frazier will straddle Memorial Stadium, paying testament to the greatest option quarterback to ever play the game. Despite this, the College Football Hall of Fame will still not induct Frazier for at least another 15 years or so. 

Northwestern: Northwestern will wisely invest some of the money into its endowment while also upgrading the campus infrastructure and easing student fees. See, this is why nobody likes you guys. So boring.

Ohio State: We'd recommend a replica Buckeyes jersey for every single resident of the state of Ohio, but, uh... I think they've already got that covered over there. Maybe some free tattoos for everyone?

Penn State: In an effort to increase the noise level at Beaver Stadium even further, Penn State will buy a Boeing 777 and wheel it out to within 20 yards of the opposing quarterback with the engine running. Pretty sure that's legal.

Purdue: Moustache transplant therapy for every single season-ticket holder for the next ten years, be they man, woman or child. Because nobody should have to go through life without a moustache.

Wisconsin: All the beer. That's all Bret Bielema wrote down, is just, "all the beer." I don't know what he has planned, but I want to be there for it.