How Would Mel Kiper Fare in the NFL Draft??

By Michael Gordon, Sean Fitzgerald, and Dan Rosa

Mel Kiper has been grading NFL draft prospects for a generation. Now it's our turn—to grade him:

Speed:
Terrible. It took him four minutes to run the 40. He might have been sub 20 seconds if he didn't stop to rearrange his Big Board.

Agility:
If Tom Brady moves "like molasses", then Kiper moves like a rock.

Intelligence:
He makes Vince Young look like a genius. On the Wonderlic, he scored a three. C'mon, give the guy a break. He's a draft expert, not a functioning human being.

Football Intelligence/Awareness:
None. If you put Kiper on a football field, he might think it was Mars.

Vertical Leap:
Ever play the game where you try to slide a piece of paper under Kiper's feet when he jumps? You always lose, but it's still fun.

Hands:
He has really large hands.

Strength:
Not sure. He didn't understand squats, bench press, or bicep curls. He did do one push up, but then held the back of his arm in pain and asked what muscle that was. (His triceps.)

Route Running:
He might be okay if he didn't 1) fall over all the time and 2) wear that suit all the time.

Blocking:
Not sure. But I'd like to see him try!

College Program Prestige:
Essex Community College. Do they even have a football team?

Cool Factor:
Zero. He's like Todd McShay's awkward, older brother who's never talked to a girl.

Overall Prospect Rating:
One of the worst players ever at any position. He's so bad that there is no position he would not be terrible at.

So, we estimate that Mel Kiper Jr., of Essex Community College in Baltimore, would project as a rookie free agent. (Unless of course 'Hairspray' the musical had a draft pick...then he'd be perfect.)

Out of 300 Million Americans, we believe Kiper to be the 120 Millionth best football player.

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