A Sports Drink Revolution

As JSF becomes more of a force in the world of sports journalism, our headquarters continues to be on the receiving end of free stuff sent to us by those hoping that we will promote it in some fashion.  Most of the items eventually find their way into the trashcan next to Sebek’s empty cans of hair spray and Imig’s wrestling magazines, but every once in a while, we get a package that truly offers us a sneak peak at something we think has some serious potential. 

Recently, we received a care package from a representative of Gatorade, previewing their new line of drinks being introduced via a sprawling new branding initiative.

Let us offer you some details straight from the source:

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This new Gatorade will be most visible through a total packaging redesign.  To help differentiate the full range of Gatorade offerings from traditional Gatorade Thirst Quencher, each beverage will convey the attitude of a tough-love coach or personal trainers through in-your-face names on the label and nutrition benefits inside. 

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Exactly what the consumer has been seeking for decades—a drink that will convey the attitude of a personal trainer.  Along with the description, we were lucky enough to receive some samples of these newly packaged, attitude-laced drinks. ###MORE###

Here are two examples of the what you can expect to see on the shelves at the local 7-Eleven in the near future:

With harcdcore names like “Bring It” and “Be Tough” and a snazzy-yet-grammatically troubling label, the sports drink giant is making a somewhat futile attempt at establishing a link between various athletic mindsets and their souped-up Kool-Aid.  Other flavors include “Shine On,” “No Excuses,” and “Gatorade Focus”. 

As usual the JSF Investigative team was able to dig even deeper and get their hands on a few additional brands that are being finalized by the Gatorade Sports Science Institute…

Gatorade Tebowner – With a sprinkle of male performance enhancer mixed in, SEC fans and media members all over the country will be able to enjoy a Florida Gators game the way it should be enjoyed—with a three hour Tebowner. 

Gatorade F You Bro – Sure brands like “Bring It” and “Be Tough” contain some attitude.  But if you want to take the ‘tude to another level, one that promotes excessive smack talk and chest thumping, you’ll need “F You Bro” to provide the necessary boost of confidence, swagger and temper.  Nothing says you’re ready to take on all comers like chugging a bottle of “F You Bro” before the whistle.

Gatorade Be Scrappy – With 2000% of the daily recommended amount of nine various vitamins and minerals aimed at fostering physical growth, Be Scrappy allows the little guy to compete with the big boys…so long as he is white and under 6’0" tall.

Gatorade Word Up! – With hip phrases such as “Shine On” and “Bring It” a part of the branding effort, Gatorade didn’t want to leave out those who are lagging behind when it comes to hot lingo.  For those late adopters to the newest slang, try out the '80s version of the thirst quencher, Gatorade Word Up!  It’s perfect to slam after a long workout on the SoloFlex listening to Doug E. Fresh on a your cassette player.

Gatorade Bust You In Da Mouth – Simply put, there is no better cliché to adorn the front of your sports drink than one as universal as Bust You in Da Mouth.  Every athlete needs a little something to help him or her attack their opponent with a burst of energy that can rise to mouth-busting levels.  Not sure exactly what that entails?  Ask any announcer in the sports biz, it ain’t pretty.

Gatorade Savvy Vet – Specially designed to squeeze a few more games out of a tired, old body, Savvy Vet makes sure that the young guns don’t have a free ride to the top.  With the perfect dosage of Metamucil mixed in, you’ll never take the field feeling like your 50 year old bowels are going to get between you and your date with victory.

Gatorade Softball Guy – The team of scientists created Gatorade Softball Guy to provide just enough hydration to allow him to rake with his $750 DiMarini Juggernaut but, at the same time, make sure that enough room is left in the system for the 120 ounces of cold beer that will be consumed after he’s done dropping bombs.  Screw hustle, heart and health.  All this drink provides is straight power. 

One thing is for sure, no matter how well these new lines do, this consumer won’t be satisfied until his market starts seeing the return of the brand simply known by two oh-so-tasty words—Citrus Cooler. 

Make it happen, Gatorade.