Death of the Gunslinger; Resurrection of the Jesus-Lover

After leading the Cardinals to an impressive 33-13 win over the Panthers Saturday, Kurt Warner is now 7-2 in nine career postseason games. His individual numbers are equally as impressive as his win percentage. He’s thrown 19 touchdowns to 11 different receivers and rushed for two scores (he has three regular season scores in 110 regular season games by comparison).

Take a look at some other impressive postseason numbers for our most notable quarterbacks, with Super Bowl wins in parentheses:

Joe Montana 16-8, 45 touchdowns (4)

Terry Bradshaw 14-5, 30 touchdowns (4)

Tom Brady 14-3, 26 touchdowns (3)

Troy Aikman 11-4, 23 touchdowns (3)

John Elway 14-7, 27 touchdowns* (2)

Kurt Warner 7-2, 19 touchdowns (1)

*Elway was 7-0 with Terrell Davis, 7-7 without him and also rushed for six scores.

The other side

Dan Marino 8-10, 32 touchdowns (0)

Brett Favre 12-10, 39 touchdowns (1)

Warner has a damn good win percentage and is the only quarterback listed to average at least two passing touchdowns per game. Let’s hypothetically say he wins it all this year: he’d be sitting at 9-2 with two championships. Not too shabby for a guy who has averaged 10 starts per season in his career, or 110 career starts including the playoffs. The term “bang for your buck” resonates when discussing Warner. He’s the quarterback equivalent of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He wasn’t around for a long time, but was top of the line when healthy.

For the record, Joe Montana is number one in career touchdown passes and passing yards (5,772). He also completed 83 of 122 passes for 1,142 yards, 11 touchdowns and zero interceptions in four Super Bowls, good for a passer rating of 127.8 — and he doesn’t even praise Jesus that much.###MORE###

NFL Network cameraman captures award winning shot of Ed Reed

Ravens defense equal opportunity hawkers of balls

The Dolphins ended the regular season leading the league with a +17 turnover ratio. The Ravens proceeded to force five turnovers in their Wild Card destruction in Miami. The Titans ended the regular season second in the turnover margin with a +14. The Ravens proceeded to force three turnovers in their Division Round victory. The Steelers ended the regular season with a +4 turnover ratio, meaning the Ravens will try to hawk Steely McBeam’s balls, but may not get very far. It’ll end up being more of a grope than anything. It would figure at this point — at least that’s what I say because I really don’t know. No one does. Ever.

McNabb vying to for honorary Black Peyton Manning Award

Much is being made of Donovan playing in his 5th NFC Championship game in 8 years, but I’d like to enlighten everyone that Donovan has been mediocre at best through two rounds of action. McNabb has two touchdowns, three interceptions, 517 passing yards and a 74.0 passer rating. (Including the one touchdown and 71 yards that came on a screen pass in which Brian Westbrook did all the work. Speaking of Westbrook, the Eagles don’t win consistently when he’s not playing, so there.)

Should he go on to quarterback the Eagles to a title with similar numbers the next two games, he’ll probably win the Super Bowl MVP because as we know, Peyton Manning wins Super Bowl MVPs when he throws for 247 yards and one touchdown and one interception in the big game following a string of crappy playoff performances. Manning’s ‘06 postseason run netted him 3 touchdowns, 7 picks and a 70.5 passer rating, so McNabb is well on his way.

Other similarities: both Peyton and Donovan have a rich history in the media, with the press and commercials, both are known as losers in big time games and both have large foreheads. I think the reason Donovan’s dad never appeared in Chunky Soup ads is because his dad is really Archie Manning.

3rd and Long soars to top of the Billboard Charts

What used to be lame and uncool is now the hottest craze in the National Football League. It’s called 3rd and Long and the Eagles and Ravens are quite happy with their purchase. See, when they were backed up on their own 15 yard line, the Eagles converted a 3rd and 20 pass to Jason Avant for 21 yards in the 3rd quarter to extend a drive that ultimately netted a field goal and a 13-11 lead. The Eagles would never trail the rest of the way.

The Ravens also enjoyed 3rd and Long when a 3rd and 18 play turned 3rd and 13 (thanks to a Titans penalty) morphed into a 48 yard touchdown pass from Joe Flacco to Derrick Mason. The Ravens would never trail the rest of the way. 3rd and Long is freaking sweet.

Wrestler Santino Marella impressed by Joe Flacco’s unibrow potential

Recap of Mangini and McDaniels job interviews

The Monday Football Column staff went into stealth mode after the regular season ended and documented the interview process for several teams. The Browns and Broncos search for a permanent head coach resembled the following:

“So Eric, you know Bill Belichick, correct?”

“Yep!”

“And you used to be the ballboy for the Browns, right?”

“Yep! And I still keep the balls with me everywhere I go, in spirit anyway!”

“So that’s what those two round things on your chest are.
Huh. Had no idea.”

“Josh, how does your skin react in the mile high altitude? We’re closer to the sun you know.”

“What?”

“Would you be willing to grow out dark, scaly bronze skin?”

“Uh, I guess. Why?”

“Let me rephrase it: will you look better than that homeless bum in New England?”

“I guess, but he slams it down on married women all the time.”

2 minute run ‘n shoot no huddle drill

Jeff Fisher … had a flashback Saturday to the Week 15 Texans game when he went for it on 4th and 8 from the Ravens 30 yard line. Who needs 3-point field goals in a game where the winning team scores 13 points?

KFC Honey BBQ Wings … look like sh*t.

PETA … is filing formal protests to the National Football League for allowing Cardinals, Eagles and Ravens to suffer the wrath of playoff football. A suit has already been filed on behalf of the Falcons, who were left for dead in Glendale.

Ron Rivera … didn’t grow his hair out. Selfish bastard.

Pizza Hut … doesn’t realize they’re admitting that their regular pizza sucks. They’re basically saying their regular pizza is made of crap when they promote the new “Natural” pizza as being made of real, fresh, natural ingredients. They got this brilliant marketing strategy from McDonald’s, owners of the real, “all white meat” chicken nuggets. Great stuff, guys.

R.I.P. GUNSLINGER

The Gunslinger, the polarizing, popular quarterback whose career spanned more than a century, died Saturday night after being dismantled in Charlotte, North Carolina. He was 106. Gunslinger, who had a volatile history and a myriad of personalities as part of a storied career, died at Bank of America Stadium shortly before 11:30 PM, eastern time.

He turned the ball over six times, including five interceptions in a postseason performance eerily similar to that of the legendary ‘Slinger, Our Favre. Our Favre threw six interceptions in one glorious playoff game in January 2002.

Gunslinger hasn’t won a Super Bowl since January 26 1997, when Our Favre defeated the New England Patriots. The failure to capture glory beyond the perennial media ball wax eventually spelled his unceremonious demise. It’s no longer possible for Gunslinger to lead his team to the promised land. His knack for erratic play and inconsistent throws is no match for the dominant defense come playoff time.

Gunglinger has recently been portrayed by players such as Aaron Brooks, Our Favre, Tony Romo and Jake Delhomme. He is survived by grandson Jay Cutler, pilot for one of the most severe regular season choke jobs in recent memory. Grandson Gunslinger is not expected to win anything substantial for the rest of his slinging career.

Gungliner was born in September of 1902 at the inception of the National Football League. He will be missed.

The preceeding was written by Patrick Imig. He’s going to be careful about word-slinging the rest of his career. Email him at [e-mail].