College Football Postseason Bans for Dummies: Lane Kiffin's Advice to Urban Mey

With Ohio State in virtually the same awkward position regarding a postseason ban in 2012 that USC suffered through in 2010 and 2011, it seems natural that the former could benefit from the experience of the latter.

Yes, what if Urban Meyer rang up Lane Kiffin on the Buck-phone and solicited his advice on how to, from a head-coaching perspective, approach life knowing that regardless of how many games you win, there won’t be a postseason.

What should Meyer do with his extra time after the whistle signals the end of the Buckeyes game with Michigan on Nov. 24 and beyond that?  Are there any special “tricks of the trade” to get through the postseason postpartum blues?

The following slideshow conjures up 17 tidbits of guidance Lane Kiffin might give Urban Meyer if the two met at Panera for a morning of bagels, coffee and a healthy slather of full-fat cream cheese.

Print up Championship Shirts in December

Before the regular season even ends and Meyer starts plotting what do with the time-off, he might be well-advised to take a page out of Kiffin’s “Postseason Ban” instruction leaflet with a bit of a positive flourish.

Immediately after whipping UCLA 50-0 to close out the 2011 regular season, the Trojans came back to the locker room to find “Pac-12 South Champions” t-shirts in the changing area.

The meaning was pretty clear–we weren’t eligible to win the division title, but we actually did.

If Meyer and his first-ever Buckeye team can technically win the 2012 Legends division crown (even though they won’t receive the official nod), he might be well-served to follow Kiffin’s “technical winner” t-shirt scheme.

 

Visit the Compliance Department

Any head football coach with free time in Columbus (or L.A.) might be well-served to make at least a couple of stops down at The Ohio State Compliance department just to make sure everybody is on the same page.

I’m not saying…I’m just saying.

 

Take a Spin Class

Though taking a turn on an exercise bike could certainly benefit any health- conscious banned coach, Kiffin’s mention of the word “spin” to Meyer might not have anything to do with concepts in stationary fitness.

Yes, the “spinning” Sir Lane might mention to Lord Meyer might be more about how to put a positive spin on the fact that Ohio State will not go to a bowl game in 2012 for the first time since they went 4-6-1 in 1988.

Should Meyer say the ban is “motivation” or a “golden opportunity” for a young, talented program, under a successful new coach to get things going?

Regardless of how he spins the negative into positive, Kiffin is sure to be able to give Urban some pointers on how to pump up the jams.

 

 

Bask Behind the Ban Shield

In private discourse, Kiffin might impart upon Meyer that the reality of being postseason ineligible carries with it the benefit of lowered expectations, especially for a first-year man.

“Yes, they still will want to win Urban,” Lane might emote, “But the truth is when you can’t win a division or conference title it’s a lot less of a big deal when you don’t.”

Ah yes Coach K of the West, going 8-5 is less of an issue when you can’t go any further than the UCLA game but watch out when the comforting shield caused by the ban is suddenly lifted.  

 Meyer should enjoy one more guaranteed off-season as the OSU “savior” and hope like hell he really can out-produce the "vest."

 

Take a Jazzercise Class

Why not combine one part jazz music, two parts aerobic exercise, and a splash of dancing, to make an exercise cocktail sure to keep any coach held out of the BCS party healthy and primed for 2013?

The garnish on this plastic sword would be Meyer in a unitard watching a VHS tape of Kiffin’s “January Jazzercise” class.

Go Watch the Blue Jackets

Columbus’s NHL franchise–the Blue Jackets–will have their 2012 season fully underway by the time Meyer and crew settle in for a long December and January completely void of helmet stickers.

The Blue Jackets are the state capitol’s only professional sports team, and if nothing else, it’s a great way for Meyer to get a little exposure when the Buckeyes aren’t lacing it up.

Take a Bus to South Bend

Even though Meyer seems hopelessly devoted to his new love interest Ohio State, it won’t stop the rumors that he shouldn’t one day ascend to Notre Dame to lead the Irish back to glory.

Regardless of whether it’s Ohio State or Notre Dame that is Meyer’s real “dream” job, if Urban finds Columbus less than dreamy while at the same time Brian Kelly fails to get the Irish to the “next level” in 2012, suddenly things get dicey.

And who better to recommend a sudden exit from a major college football program than Lane Kiffin, he who dropped Tennessee like a hot potato for his Fantasy Island role at USC?

Play Baseball

Kiffin might recommend that December will go a little quicker if Meyer takes up an old pastime, especially one that involves some good-old physical exertion.

For Meyer that might be a little hard-ball, which is no stranger to a guy who was selected in the 13^th round of the 1982 MLB draft and spent a couple of seasons as a shortstop in the Atlanta Braves organization.

Another inherent plus, for the viewer, is getting Meyer to dawn a glove, a pair of double-snap baseball trousers, and a couple of well placed sweatbands in which he could look decidedly fetching.

Watch the Buckeyes Play Basketball

Another exposure opportunity comes in the form of showing up to watch Ohio State play basketball.  Though the Buckeyes are enthusiastic supporters of all OSU sporting endeavors, the truth is this is a football-centric university.

And this means that, no matter how good the basketball team is, the football coach showing up to the game trumps a lot of things and certainly makes headlines.

Meyer has a definite advantage over Kiffin in this arena, as the Buckeyes have produced a far more “watchable” basketball team than have the Trojans in recent years.

But of course, Kiffin can go watch the Lakers who have even more allure and popping flash bulbs from an exposure standpoint.

 

Urban-Las-Vegas

Though he might be more successful visiting the Sportsbook at one of the major casinos in Vegas, a refreshing trip out west might also include taking in an Engelbert Humperdinck show or playing the penny slots.

Yes, with his kind of connections, Meyer could score big in Vegas but perhaps he’d still like to enjoy a spa treatment or visit a Wax Museum.

At the end of the day, if Kiffin’s attempt to return the Men of Troy to glory in 2012 ultimately flops, Meyer and Kiffin could hook-up in Vegas for a bit of male bonding and frivolity.

 

Return to the Broadcast Booth

When the 2012 BCS rolled out, the banned Lane Kiffin was on-hand as a special guest analyst for ESPN’s College GameDay, meaning the similarly- prohibited Urban Meyer should be a shoe-in for a similar role in 2013.

Meyer spent his season off as an ESPN color guy, which means that he should be all slicked up in his Sunday best and on the air for the 2012 postseason, while his Buckeyes are back in Columbus enjoying a Yule Log sans a bowl game.

 

Go Watch Tebow Play

Regardless of whether Tebow stays in Denver or goes packing after the unlikely scenario that hot commodity Peyton Manning selects the Broncos, Meyer will have the option of traveling to see Tebow hit an NFL field this coming December and/or January.

Tebow and Meyer hooked up for two BCS championships and the Buckeyes' impending postseason interdiction gives old Urb’ the perfect chance to go visit his ex-protégé.

Go Bowling with Gordon Gee

Lane Kiffin may urge Meyer to employ a portion of his postseason sojourn to foster relations with the Ohio State brass starting all the way at the top with university president Gordon Gee.

Being that it’s chilly in December in Columbus, Meyer and Gee might opt for some suds and a couple of rounds of bowling or some chicken wings, and a spin at the captivating wheel of a local Golden Tee machine instead of trying to brave the elements on the icy golf links at Muirfield Village.

If Meyer has difficulty getting on Gee’s calendar, he could use Kiffin as an “in” since Lane and Gordon are both active members in the “International Society of Did He Really Just Freaking Say That?”

 

Pick out Fonts for Braxton Miller’s Heisman Website

Kiffin no doubt took a few precious moments in the Trojan SID office this past December to start looking at color swatches for Matt Barkley’s Heisman campaign materials.

If Meyer and friends can mount the kind of meaningless winning campaign in 2012 that the Trojans pulled off in 2011, he may spend some of his idle time working on Braxton Miller’s Heisman web page.

USC and Ohio State both provide excellent launch pads for Heisman hopefuls, and all that remains to be seen is if Miller can, given the chance to mature, perform on the field to the tune of Barkley.

Either way, both these guys may eventually benefit from the cover their postseason pans provided from a media frenzy perspective.

Lobby for the BCS to Stay the Same

Elite programs such as Alabama, LSU, Ohio State, USC, Oklahoma and Texas continue to be the real beneficiaries of the current BCS system.

Yes, in a world where human votes and media stroke at least partially decides who competes to win it all, the “haves” may wind up being the biggest silent proponents of preventing the “have-nots” from getting a shot at the crystal football.

In this light, perhaps the suddenly freed-up Meyer can take over the now- absorbed Kiffin’s December and January role as an advocate of all that is right about the BCS.

 

Freshen Up the Buckeye Uniform

With all the talk about football couture in recent months, Meyer could take a few days after the 2012 regular season to come up with a fashion-forward alternative to the traditional Ohio State uniform.

Using the events at Maryland (the flag explosion), Notre Dame (the gold-ER helmets), and Oregon (shiny armor meets technological advances in wicking) as inspiration, Meyer could come up with his own spin and make his own mark on Buckeye style.

An alternative to changing the player kit would be Mr. Urban establishing his own chic coaching attire by conjuring up his answer to Tressel’s vest or Stoops’ visor (both Ohio guys, ironically).

Kiffin is also a sharp dresser, so here’s yet another opportunity for the two gridiron leaders to hook up for some brainstorming–fellowship, and sharing, and caring.

Recruit!

Perhaps the only concrete advantage associated with a postseason ban is found in the recruiting arena.

Yes, while other guys are prepping for the TaxSlayer.com Bowl or the Kraft Fight Hunger Classic, Meyer and company can hit the recruiting trail early and then often.

And when you are dealing with an Ohio State-or-USC-caliber program, you don’t lose a lot by having a postseason-prohibitive situation because frankly everyone knows these teams are going to win and be in the limelight again…or else.

According to Rivals.com rankings, Meyer still managed, despite the ban, a No. 4 class in 2012 while his buddy Kiffin way-out-west hauled in the No. 8 class.

Scarily, given the extra time, the 2013 ban lift and SEC-esque recruiting techniques, Sir Urban could actually improve on his conscripting successes with the class of 2013.