2012 Idiot's Guide to the NCAA Tournament

The 2012 Idiot's Guide to the NCAA Tournament, in its new and revised edition, will help everyone learn the terms, lingo and buzz words used by their favorite college basketball analysts.

The following is a sampling of 20 entries from the 2012 Idiot's Guide:

AUTOMATIC BID: Used in Bridge when East opens with three no-trump, or higher—West is forced to respond.  Not to be confused with an AT-LARGE BID where West is not required to respond when East opens with less than three no-trump.  Has little to do with the NCAA tournament, except for the rumor that the NCAA adopted bracket designations (East and West) from Bridge.  Also used to describe offers made for a car that doesn't have a manual transmission.

BRACKETOLOGY: A course offered at technical schools where students are taught the fine points of constructing shelves.

BRACKET BUSTER: One who kicks or breaks shelves during the NCAA tournament when his or her team loses close game.

BUBBLE WATCH: Not as severe as a bubble warning, but television stations can interrupt regular programming to announce bubble watches.

BUZZER BEATER: One who pulls out the wiring of a door bell out of anger or frustration during NCAA tournament when his or her team loses close game.

CRUNCH TIME: Used to refer to fourth quarters of close games when announcers remind fans they may be tired and should reach for Nestle's Crunch Bars to replace lost nervous energy.  "It's Crunch Time."

FINAL FOUR: Name that the Beatles wanted to go by after Pete Best, the original drummer, was replaced by Ringo.  Manager Brian Epstein convinced the group to keep using the name "Beatles."

ELITE EIGHT: Any panel of eight college basketball analysts of which Dick Vitale is not a member.

GOING TO THE DANCE: Used when teams change from standard flex and motion offenses to the intricate dance offense. They are "going to the dance."

IN THE PAINT: Term coined by Picasso when he wanted to tell friends he was working.  "I'm in the paint."

LIVE TO PLAY ANOTHER DAY: Common phrase used by parents whose children interrupted them when watching the NCAA tournament.  Parents would say, "do you want to live to play another day?" Term died out some when it became illegal for parents to use excessive physical force on children.

LUNARDISM: An obsessive compulsive disorder where one becomes fixated on ranking college basketball teams.

MARCH MADNESS: Mood disorder affecting women from March until mid-April.  Symptoms include feelings of abandonment, depression and anger.  Many women complain of trying to initiate conversation with significant other and being told, "quiet, the game is in overtime."

MID MAJOR: New major field of study one realizes he or she must change to when physics becomes too difficult. Usually occurs in the middle of the second semester when students watch too many NCAA tournament games and have trouble concentrating.

NO. 1 SEED: Highly effective kernel used for growing flowers, grass and plants.

ON THE BUBBLE: Originally "On the Bubbly." Used to describe fans whose teams make an early exit from the NCAA tournament and pick up alcoholic beverages, such as champagne.  He or she is said to be "on the bubble."

POINT SHAVING: Grooming technique practiced by Auburn point guards. Not to be confused with center or forward shaving.

RPI (RATINGS PERCENTAGE INDEX):  Not to be confused with Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute located in Troy, N.Y.  Term used to confuse fans when pollsters rate teams without watching games.

TV TIME OUT: Punishment given to children where they are not allowed to watch TV for specific time period in accordance with severity of misbehavior.  Overly used during the NCAA Tournament to free up the television.

20-SECOND TIME OUT: Short punishments handed out to children for minor misbehavior incidents.  Like "TV time out," overly used during NCAA Tournament to free up television.