Roger Federer Reveals All: A Bleacher Report Exclusive (Spoof)

[Let's pretend: If Roger Federer agreed to grant me an interview, why would he and what would we talk about? We would talk about coaches!]

The Setup

This is so very exciting for this neophyte reporter who, after chasing Roger Federer halfway around the globe, has been granted this exclusive one-on-one interview with the great man himself.

Through negotiations with Bleacher Executives, I have had to make some concessions in order to be able to talk face to face with the tennis god. From this point forward, in compliance with the restraining order, I must remain 50 miles away from Roger at all times...including hotels and restaurants...Roger insists.

I will not be allowed to write or post personal messages to him on his website.  Evidently Rog found my remarks too overwhelming. I can be intense. 

I will not be allowed to phone his agent, his parents, or his residence. He has agreed to this interview and to drop all stalking charges against me if I cease and desist. 

For the sake of journalism, I have acceded to his demands. 

By the way, he insisted that Mirka come along and sit between us—so I welcome both Roger and Mirka to my interview conducted here at the Rodale Plaza on 51st Street in Newark.

The Interview

JAA: Our topic today is coaching and by that I mean a coach for Roger—not, Mirka, that you have not done well by Roger; but, we all—and by that I mean Roger’s fans—feel he needs a coach. So Roger, have you found or are you looking for a coach?

Roger: Well, JA, how do I call you...?

JAA: You can call me Jimi...

Roger: Jimi—I am always considering coaching options...you know I have had coaches in the past like Peter Carter and Peter Lundgren and Tony Roche. Jose Higueras and I worked together a little last year. 

JAA: So why did you not sign him on as a coach? We all want to know.

Roger: Well, Jimi, I don’t need a coach 365 days a year. I was only looking at someone to help me during the clay court season.

JAA: Well, after the French Open final, how would you say that worked for you?

Roger: No need to be insulting, Jimi! Hose didn’t exactly provide me with the arsenal I needed to bring Rafa down, did he?

JAA: Well, not to nit-pick, but we were stunned at the loss. I didn’t mean to bring up unpleasant memories. But here is the deal—I have a list of several men whose names have been mentioned as potential coaches for you. And, I would like to get your reaction. OK?

Roger: OK, Jimi—fire away, and may I ask you to remove your hand from my knee? Remember our agreement!

JAA: Sure Rog—sorry about the knee thing. How about Brad Gilbert as your next coach?

Roger: I would sooner play Ivo Karlovic in every opening match! I would sooner watch Novak Djokovic imitate me for 24 hours a day! I mean, Gilbert and I have nothing in common; we don’t live in the same world or speak the same language! Besides, the man loves Nadal!

JAA: I take that as a big NO! How about the affable Swede Mats Wilander?

Roger: Listen, Mats questioned my manhood. He said that I lacked balls when it came to facing Nadal at the French. No one questions my manhood and manages my career. Right, Mirka?

JAA: Mirka would know! Next on the list—how about Ivan Lendl as your coach?

Roger: You mean the Darth Vader of the tennis world, he of the Dark Side? Too domineering and deadly for me...his skills were nowhere close to mine and he certainly has no idea what I am about! We have nothing in common.

JAA: Another big no! Rog, how about Stefan Edberg? He is such a cutie...right Mirka?

Roger: Yes, I had great admiration for Edberg as a player but his style of play is passé and it will not return. He is not a student of today’s game and he doesn’t know my game that well. Edberg was a great champion but he has expressed no interest in coaching and certainly he has not expressed interest specifically in coaching me...I think it unlikely. Mirka, by the way, only has eyes for me. She does not think Edberg is a cutie...

JAA: Sure, Rog. What about Agassi—Andre Agassi? People feel he would be a great coach for you.

Roger: Well, Jimi, Agassi is current. He understands today’s game and he understands my game because he played against me. It would make a great deal of sense if he were interested in coaching. But, I do not believe he has an interest in coaching anyone at this point. He has never indicated that he wished to embark on that path.

JAA: Well what about Pete? You two seem to be great buddies...wouldn’t he make an ideal coach?

Roger: Same as Agassi. No indication that he wishes to coach. Besides, I am going after his records. It would seem unlikely that he would wish to help me do that, right?

JAA: Some people have suggested that Paul Annacone might be the next Federer coach? How about it, Roger?

Roger: Well, Annacone coached Pete and is basically a serve and volley coach. That is what he played and what he coached for Pete. That is not where my game is today or where it needs to go. So, it seems unlikely that Paul and I are a good fit.

JAA: Many of us find the prospect of Darren Cahill irresistible as a coach for you, Roger. Have you given any thoughts to having him join your team?

Roger: Yes, I must admit that Cahill seems an obvious choice. Most of my successes with coaches are with those from Australia. I like their work ethic and their philosophical bent. Darren was friends with my first coach Peter Carter. He understands my game and my temperament. He had a successful career with Agassi during Andre’s last years. 

JAA: So why don’t you sign him up? What is the delay?

Roger: Just not sure whether his coaching style and my coaching needs are in sync. We shall have to see and make a determination. So far no talks are in progress. 

JAA: So you don’t expect to sign a coach any time soon?

Roger: I did not say that. But, I am not free to discuss the options we are currently negotiating, Jimi...but there may a surprise any day now!

JAA: I assume my chances are negligible?

Roger: You have only played Wii tennis, right? So, no. Remember the restraining order.

JAA: Right. So, any parting words before we conclude this interview?

Roger: Just this, fans and press—stop trying to speculate about what I need or don’t need. I have been managing my own career for years and have had some degree of success. I will get where I need to go, believe me. I haven’t come all this way to fail in the end.

JAA: Thank you, Roger and Mirka...for agreeing to this interview and for dropping the charges against me...