Matching Song Titles from Taylor Swift's New Album to NHL Players and Teams
Sick of hearing about Taylor Swift? Shed a tear and keep scrolling. Swift announced her new album, The Tortured Poets Department, in her speech after becoming the first artist to win four Album of the Year honors at the Grammys.
Of course, we haven't heard any of the songs yet, but the 17 track titles immediately reminded me of...hockey? Yeah, hockey. Where Swift usually has more straightforward titles, these are the most interesting of her career so far, and a few of them made me wonder if the NFL isn't the only league she's a fan of these days.
Let's have a laugh and not take ourselves too seriously as we assign each track title to an NHL team or person. And remember, if this actually makes you mad ...
1. Fortnight: Pittsburgh Penguins
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As tempting as it is to believe that Taylor Swift decided to write a song dedicated to a popular video game (hey, her bestie Lana Del Ray did it), the spelling and predicted themes of the album suggest this will be about a two-week period in her life.
Every day and every game will matter for the Penguins as things kick back up after the All-Star break if they don't want to end up in last year's situation. They're currently on a two-game winning streak, five points out of a playoff spot, and would need to jump the Islanders and the Red Wings to climb into the Eastern Conference's second wild-card spot.
Have they learned from last season, when a loss to the Blackhawks sealed their fate as the Panthers were surging? Keep winning now and decide your own fate.
2. The Tortured Poets Department: Buffalo Sabres
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How the Buffalo Sabres manage to disappoint their fans year after year would be almost poetic if it weren't so sad. "Tortured" could not describe the fanbase of the team with the longest active playoff drought more accurately.
At least this season the Sabres didn't string us all along too much. Hopes were high at the beginning of the campaign, but the early Tage Thompson injury felt like the point of no return this time.
3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys: Connor Bedard
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The Blackhawks have been absolutely brutal to watch since 2023 No. 1 overall draft pick Connor Bedard went down with a jaw injury in early January.
They have three total goals and zero wins in their last five games. It's a shame because Bedard was growing in confidence and getting even more entertaining to watch with every game, but at least for the Hawks fans, the chances another favorite toy in Macklin Celebrini gets added to the rotation is more likely by the game.
And luckily for the rest of us (*rolls eyes*), we'll get to watch it all unfold outdoors next year with another Blackhawks Winter Classic.
(No offense, Chicago. We love you and the idea of playing at Wrigley Field. But it'd be nice if we got a new locale next year.)
4. Down Bad: Columbus Blue Jackets
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The Columbus Blue Jackets haven't caught a single break this season, not that they necessarily have deserved one. It all started with hiring Mike Babcock and firing him before he even coached a game.
The slew of injuries to key players has been unfortunate and isn't their fault, but the healthy stars have been underperforming, they were hesitant to give the young exciting players enough ice time and the direction of the team is extremely unclear at the moment.
Down bad, for sure.
5. So Long, London: Mitch Marner and John Tavares
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Taylor Swift obviously wrote a song about London, Ontario. According to the sources in my head, "So Long, London" is about two scrappy Knights alumni who made it out and now play together under the bright lights in Toronto. Surprised we didn't get Swift at the All-Star halftime performance with an Easter egg like this. I'm on to you, Blondie!
In all seriousness, both Marner and Tavares' days could be numbered in Toronto with the Leafs up against the cap and both players eligible for free agency in 2025. Could we hear them say so long to Toronto soon?
6. But Daddy, I Love Him: Brad Marchand
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In his first year as captain of the Bruins, Brad Marchand is once again showing us all why he's such a unique player.
The way I've always seen it, he started in the AHL and has always played with an edge that made it seem as if he was at risk of getting sent back down. But you can tell the weight of the captaincy hasn't seriously affected him. He's an elite sniper who is unbearable to play against and on pace for a career year in goals at 35 years old.
He steps up for his team any way he needs to, and often this is being pesky. There have been controversies like a collection of slew foots and some licking of opponents, but my favorite Marchand stat illuminates how he combines his abilities as a player on the ice with his elitism as a pest.
As of Thursday's win over the Canucks, he's officially a top-10 short-handed goal scorer in NHL history with 35.
7. Fresh Out of the Slammer: Nikita Kucherov
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Love him or hate him, Hart Trophy contender Nikita Kucherov doesn't mind being a villain. Currently two points above Nathan MacKinnon for the NHL lead in points with 87 in 51 games, Kucherov is dragging the Lightning into continued relevancy and a secure playoff spot.
He was also dragging his feet at the All-Star Skills Competition, which angered a lot of folks considering there was a $1 million prize at the end not everyone got to compete for.
"I think our team has been the villain over the last few years," head coach Jon Cooper said when asked about this on TNT.
Well, the Lightning and Kucherov are fresh out of the slammer (the slammer being All-Star Weekend and losing to the Leafs in the first round), and they're here to stay.
8. Florida!!! (ft. Florence and the Machine): Florida Panthers
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"Florida!!!" indeed. We knew Ariana Grande grew up a Panthers fan, but is this Swift's official announcement that she's rolling with the Panthers?
Why wouldn't she—"Karma is a cat" after all.
Florida is giving the league a big dose of it as the team follows up last season's trip to the Cup Final with a better regular season and a statement that it wasn't a fluke.
Led by Sam Reinhart's 37 goals (good for No. 2 in the league) and Sergei Bobrovsky's 2.51 goals-against average and .910 save percentage, Florida!!! is certainly Florida!!!-ing.
9. Guilty as Sin?: Vegas Golden Knights
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Are the Vegas Golden Knights wrong for playing by the rules, if the rules themselves are perhaps controversial? I vote no. Are they wrong for the technique that had brought them so much success—simply trading for actively good players instead of waiting for them to show up in the draft? Absolutely not.
It's been great to see a new franchise with a win-first mentality for several reasons, one of them being that expansion franchises don't always have enough interest/traction/lore to stick.
Vegas has been able to find success on and off the ice in its first years as a franchise, and whatever you think about it, it's the reason it'll stick around. And it's great for hockey that it does.
10. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?: Carolina Hurricanes
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The Hurricanes have made the playoffs for five consecutive years, and it's looking like a sixth is coming as they sit in the Metro's No. 2 spot.
They have found their way after some inconsistency. Goaltending and lack of depth scoring are usually the two big constant talking points when it comes to the Canes' inability to take it a step above the conference final.
This time, Pyotr Kochetkov has returned from injury and is putting together a decent campaign to change that in net. Freddie Andersen has been cleared to skate, but it's unclear if he'll play this season, and Antti Raanta left Thursday's game hurt.
As great as Kochetkov has been at times, he's still young and a bit streaky. The Canes absolutely should check out the goalie market ahead of the trade deadline.
That said, perhaps this is the year consistency and sticking to the plan wins out. If Kochetkov goes on a heater, here, and another goalie pops up, it's time to be afraid of the Little Old Canes again.
11. I Can Fix Him (No, I Really Can): Patrick Roy
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Despite the goal differential, the Islanders remain strongly in contention for a playoff spot, and general manager Lou Lamoriello clearly believes in them. He believed in them enough to let go of coach Lane Lambert when his techniques weren't working, and to hire someone perhaps off the beaten Lamoriello path: Patrick Roy.
Will Roy's passion fix the Islanders enough to make sure they not only stay in their playoff race, but also make the most of it? Why not give it a whirl?
12. LOML: Jeremy Swayman and Linus Ullmark
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Who else?!
For those not in the know, "LOML" means love of my life. Jeremy Swayman and Linus Ullmark fit the description.
They're a fun goalie combination and have paced the Bruins to the top of the Eastern Conference yet again. It's refreshing to have two guys playing the same position and actively rooting for each other.
13. I Can Do It with a Broken Heart: Maple Leafs
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Perhaps this Maple Leafs core has needed to get its collective heart broken so many times in so many ways to finally win the Cup. Look, this regular season hasn't been smooth sailing—injuries to an already weaker defensive core, injuries upon injuries to an uncertain goaltending rotation, you name it.
But the Buds are still hanging on to the No. 3 playoff spot in the Atlantic, and maybe this time all of the adversity will pay off. Maybe the only way to do it is with a broken heart.
14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: Cole Caufield
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Cole Caufield may be one of the smallest men in the NHL at 5'8", but the man knows how to put the puck in the back of the net despite any circumstance like height or a tanking team.
He's so good at it that his team-leading 17 goals have perhaps made the Canadiens a bit better than they should be this season, and they're well above the Senators and Blue Jackets for the worst team in the East. Whoops!
15. The Alchemy: Dallas Stars
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The Stars are No. 2 in the Central and one of the most consistent teams in the league for a reason: They're as complete a hockey team as you'll find, and they've got the right chemistry.
You've got a star in his prime in Jason Robertson pacing the team with 51 points in 51 games. You've got Matt Duchene, who seems to finally have found the perfect fit on a team, with a whopping seven game-winning goals and 46 points in 50 games to show for it.
You've got veteran legends still consistently producing like Joe Pavelski, Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin. You've got the kids in Wyatt Johnston and Thomas Harley emerging with a vengeance. Most days, you've got a really solid netminder in Jake Oettinger who is growing into himself.
No one on this team is winning the Hart this year, but all the parts combined smell like another deep playoff run.
16. Clara Bow: Connor McDavid
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Clara Bow was a silent film star who made a rarely successful transition into "talkies." Lately, it feels like the NHL's biggest star has become more outspoken and has shown us some more of his personality, and the league is a better place for it.
There are his thoughts on Pride Nights: "I know in Edmonton, we were one of the first teams to use the Pride tape," McDavid said. "We strongly feel hockey is for everybody, and that includes the Pride nights."
And his opinion on some officiating decisions:
He also spoke about how he's grown into his personality as the years have gone on.
"I understand my position in the game and that my voice carries some weight, so with that, what I talk about and when I talk about it is a little bit more strategic. I put a little more thought into some things...I think the other thing for me was I cared a lot about what the older guys thought about me. I know in hockey, the tradition is to be respectful of the older guys and kind of earn your stripes. I feel like I took that to heart, so that was part of it too. And I feel like I'm in a place now where I have a little bit more respect in the game and can maybe speak your mind a little more freely."
17. The Manuscript (Bonus Track): The NHL Playoffs
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Only one team will end up etched on the manuscript of the 2023-24 season. Who do you got at this point?
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