Breaking News: Oklahoma Guarantees win in BCS Championship Game

This just in from Oklahoma.

A source affiliated with the University of Oklahoma's Athletic Department has given us exclusive information that the Sooners football team has been guaranteed a victory in the upcoming BCS Title game scheduled to take place on January 8th.

This announcement, comes just a few days after the Sooners were supposedly going to forfeit the game.

This source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, stated that Oklahoma will definitely win the championship game this year. The result of the game has been pre-determined and the outcome cannot be changed. The source also said that the Sooners must simply show up at the game for the victory to take place.

When asked how this guarantee could be possible, the source said the Sooners had a secret weapon that assured a victory.

When asked a follow-up question as to whether this so-called "secret weapon" was legal, the source simply said there is nothing in the rule book specifically prohibiting it.

The BCS quickly issued an announcement in response to this breaking news out of Oklahoma. BCS spokesman Eric Cartman read from a prepared statement from the BCS headquarters in South Park, Colorado.

Mr. Cartman said, "My fellow Americans, this news coming from the University of Oklahoma is just not cool. I demand they reveal this secret weapon and that they RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH! Now, if you will excuse me, my pot pie is ready. I'm going home."

When contacted about the BCS statement demanding they reveal what this secret weapon is, the Oklahoma Sports Information Department responded by saying, "What are you talking about?"

More updates as this story unfolds.

Okay, by anonymous I actually mean the source is me. By affiliated with the University of Oklahoma Athletic Department, I mean, I watch every football game. I also own numerous Sooner articles of clothing, about 20 hats and I have an OU license plate on the front of my car. A portion of each sale went to the athletic department.

And the "secret weapon" is actually the magical, lucky underwear that I have worn during all Sooner victories and will be sporting during the title game. I have a few other lucky clothing articles I also wear, but I am pretty sure it is the underwear that has the magic.

I know you are probably saying that nothing I wear will have any effect on the outcome of the game. I say prove it.

You may say my choice of magical undergarments assuring an OU victory is a silly superstition. I say do not be naive. Of course it does.

You may be thinking what about the Texas game? I was not wearing them for the Texas game.

Why not? Well, there was an accident. Not to go into too many details, let's just say do not eat a Quickie Mart burrito the night before a big game. Or put on your lucky undies first thing in the morning.

Oh, I put them on again after middle linebacker Ryan Reynolds got hurt in the third quarter, but apparently they have to be clean for the magic to work.

Do not worry fellow Sooner fans, they are clean and are stocking up on magic as they sit in my britches drawer waiting for gameday. And I have learned my lesson, no more burritos.

More Breaking News on page 2:

I am going to try to do a new Breaking News article every week for those twisted individuals who enjoy this kind of thing.

There may be those of you saying,  "hey, I do not want to read this moron every week." 

Just for you I have obtained testimonials from others so you can be assured of the quality of my articles.

"He is a good boy and he means well,"  said Mrs. Ray, the writers mother.

"Billy Ray? I have not even thought about that guy in years. What a loser," said Rodney Jackson, the writers best friend.

"Yeah, I know him. You tell that #*^@*^$@ (my good buddy) I want my #&%@*$^! money by next Friday or this time I'm going to break BOTH his *$&%@&$# legs!" said Bruno, the writers bookie.

"Billy, I know it's you. I recognize your voice. Oh, quit crying! I told you the kids and I aren't coming home till you get a job," said Carri Ray, the writers wife.

"Billy? Yes, he's my son. Please tell him to bring my car back or I'll have to call the cops again. That car is worth more than he is," said Mr. Ray, the writers father.

"Tell him I want my lawnmower back. And working this time," said Jeff, the writer's neighbor.

"What do you want? Billy Ray, that son of a.... I mean, yeah he's a friend of mine. Do you know where we can find him?" said Tony Soprano, an acquaintance of the writer.

And finally,

"You're an idiot," said Michael, fellow Bleacher Report writer.

Okay, so the testimonials may not have gone as well as I hoped.

I would have had more but I must have been having phone problems. I called more people, but the line kept going dead as soon as my name was mentioned. That happens a lot. It is weird.

Well anyway, I will be bringing you new Breaking News as often as possible. I would like to give you a regular schedule but this poses problems as I am in hiding, er, I mean frequently out of town for business.

I am currently hanging out at my old stomping grounds at Southwestern Delaware State School for the Flatulent and having lots of fun. Wait, maybe I should not put that in here.

I was just kidding. Like I'm stupid enough to tell where I'm hiding.

That is all for this week. Remember, an OU victory is guaranteed. You can take that to the bank.*

By the way, would anybody out there know of a bookie in Delaware who might be willing to take the title to a '68 Camaro for collateral? It's cherry.

*Bleacher Report Disclaimer - Bleacher Report cannot be held responsible for anything this jerk says. Nor are we liable for any loss of funds, shattered marriages or broken bones resulting from listening to any advice he may give. Gambling is illegal in most states.*